Trust Fall

A few weeks ago, I nervously approached my parents after a day of work and informed them that I was leaving my job with the family business after 10 years, without any idea what I was going to do, next.

If you had told me in the beginning of the year that I would be doing something so rash, I probably would have laughed nervously because on some level I knew that's what it would come down to, but would have quickly changed the subject or ran away to avoid talking and even thinking about it.

That's where I was at: fully and utterly afraid of the unknown. In fact, I never realized how much fear I dealt with until God began to poke at my heart months and months ago, telling me it was time to leave.


So what would drive someone as loyal and routine-loving as myself to leave the security of a long-time family job without having another job in place and zero clue what I even wanted to do, next? How about we talk about what DIDN'T drive me to do it in the first place...


My history with God always seemed to follow the formula of:
1)He shows me what's next,
2)I wait for His perfect timing,
3)then I do it.

So when I began to feel that this was my last year at the job, I expected the tried-and-true formula to work in this situation. I began to ask God to show me what was next, but the most peculiar thing happened: I was getting NOTHING. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Not even a faint glimmer of an idea! It was the weirdest thing. Like my brain hit a wall over and over again when I even tried to brainstorm career ideas.

Stubbornly not accepting that perhaps God wasn't going to fit into my convenient little formula this time, I would take a breather and resolved to come back to Him with the same prayer request another day. Surely He will answer me and tell me exactly what to do! Maybe it just wasn't time, yet.

Months went by with the same frustrating results. I'd ask what's next and all I'd get was a resounding silence and the mounting feeling in my spirit of a total discontent to stay where I am at.

What I wasn't realizing was I did, in fact, get my answer every time I asked. I just didn't see it that way.

Until a couple months ago...

I was driving in my car and the same old dead-end litany of frustrated prayers and questions were going through my head when I said, "Okay God...for REAL this time. Please please PLEASE for the love of You, tell me what I'm supposed to do!" As I flipped on the radio and channel surfed, I heard, in the brief moments before moving on to the next channel, a man preaching about the story of Abraham:

"We always want God to tell us what's coming before we move, 

but sometimes, God is telling us to trust Him and go 

before we even have an idea of where He's taking us, 

just like He did with Abraham."

You can guess how quickly I changed the station and said, "Nope! That was NOT for me...."

That's the moment I realized: I had more fear than I ever knew, and I saw once again how little I trusted God. GOOD GRIEF, does that never stop?!



Because God is comical and likes to see us squirm sometimes, at the end of a church service one night, my friend who didn't know what was going on in my heart, came up to me and completely randomly and out of nowhere said, "Hey, let's do a trust fall! You fall back and I'll catch you!" I was so taken off guard and slightly frazzled by the way God was so blatantly going after my issue of fear, that I didn't know how to respond, right away. However, she was so insistent that I finally agreed. The first time I fell back, I freaked out at the last moment and caught myself before falling all the way. "You didn't trust me!" my friend said, jokingly, but gently as well, to the point where it almost made me feel bad. We did it again, and that time, I just let go. In that split iota of a second where fear engulfed me as my body lost control, I chose to let it happen instead of choosing to take it upon myself to be my own savior.

Sorry to disappoint anyone looking for a painfully awkward ending to this story, but my friend did catch me. "See? I told you you could trust me!" she said.

I walked out of church after that feeling a little rattled. I knew what it all meant. How could I not see the obvious? "Alright, God," I said. "I guess this year is all about trust, isn't it?" Although I acknowledged what God was up to, I didn't want to fully embrace it, just yet.


While I had somewhat come to terms with the fact that I was going to have to quit sooner than later, I tried desperately for the weeks that followed to ignore not only what I knew I needed to do, but dealing with the larger issue at hand: I was totally and utterly crippled by fear.

Eventually, I could no longer run away from it and, with the aid of a dear friend helping me to verbally process what I had stuffed down into the deep recesses of myself, admitted that I was scared; Scared of the unknown, scared of God not providing...

Basically, I still didn't fully trust Him. Apparently, writing this previous blog about trust didn't qualify me to clep out of the upper level trust courses in Jesus University. How annoying...

By the end of our conversation, I had finally stopped fighting the inevitable and dropped the denial: I needed to step out in faith and quit my job without having a clue as to where I'd go, next. That odd paradoxical peace of the upside-down kingdom I'm a member of, flooded me as I looked ahead into a daunting dark abyss of everything unknown to me that I was about to step into. I'll never cease to be amazed at how wrong it all appears, but how right it really is to walk by faith.


Of course I never seal a decision without asking God to first confirm that I was really doing the right thing, and talking it over with my husband as well. I mean, this is a BIG decision; it's not like I was picking out my outfit for the day. So I asked God to do what He usually does and send some crazy stamp of approval my way.

That night as I laid in bed contemplating what was ahead for me, I realized something rather funny: this was my tenth year working with my parents, my tenth year knowing God, my tenth year knowing Ian, the tenth birthday of my church, I was about to start a ten-day juice fast the following day, and my deadline to leave my job is October...the tenth month of the year (Oh, and pumpkin spice lattes' 10th anniversary, although that isn't significant, just cool, haha).

HELLO. The girl to whom God speaks through numbers just hit the "confirmation motherload." Clearly, this warranted some looking into! I got right on the internet and looked up the meaning of the number 10. The first article I pulled up totally knocked my socks off:

Heavily paraphrased, it said that the main meaning of the number 10 and the month of October is that it signifies the time to step out and make life-changing decisions, leaving old situations for new and better-suited ones, finally making time to explore your true dreams and passions and figure out your purpose, to take charge of your life and refuse to stay where you have been comfortable for too long, and for things that have been hanging in the air for a long time to finally come to a resolution. "October is the month for new beginnings and forging forward!"

If that wasn't crazy enough, it literally went on to say, "Some people will be looking for confirmation of their life paths and will follow their callings and life missions and purposes, in October." Talk about a straight-up answer!


I went to bed that night still a little nervous, but finally at peace with a real decision.

Just a few days after all of this happened, I told my parents I was leaving.



A few Sunday nights ago, someone gave a word in church about baby eagles. She shared that when they're old enough to begin to learn to fly, the mother eagle makes the formerly cozy nest extremely uncomfortable so they will have no choice but be forced to leave the nest and learn to use their wings, whether they want to or not. I know that I am that baby eagle and I needed God to make my "nest" super uncomfortable or I would never try to fly.

Being too comfortable where we are can make us so complacent that we have no incentive to run after our dreams. Some of us need a twig from our nests to poke us in the butt to make us realize we will never reach our full potential if we don't do something drastic and uncomfortable, and even a little bit scary.

God wants us to take risks. No one ever lived out their full destiny by staying in their comfort zone.   My job was comfortable: steady hours, good pay, reliable and constant work with people I know extremely well. But "comfortable" rarely promotes exploration of ourselves.


We can choose to see the unknown as something to fear, or something to celebrate. Some days are harder than others to have the right perspective when I wonder how we are going to pay the bills or put gas in our cars when I'll no longer have a paycheck to contribute, but I am beginning to see more and more with each passing day that this is the perfect excuse for an adventure. It's something to get excited about, not something to get worried about!

And luckily, I am not in this alone: I have my amazing husband who fully supports my decision and is also learning to trust God in the scary place of not knowing what's ahead for either of us. Being in this together makes it even more frightening or more thrilling, depending on how well I'm keeping my eyes focused on Jesus that day ;-p


Since stepping out in faith and making a scary decision final, I am amazed at how God has come around me to remind me that I'm doing the right thing, as crazy as it looks. It seems like people are coming from every angle talking about trust, ever since I decided to leave my job. When the fear tries to creep in, God is quick to machete that junk to the ground!

My last day of work is approaching in exactly a week from today and I still have no clue what is next for me, but if God has proven one thing, it's that He is faithful and I can fully trust Him.


If He asks me to fall backwards, I know without a shadow of a doubt that He is going to catch me.

I just have to let Him.

Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

wherever You would call me...

It all started with an anchor...

One thing about me: I love tattoos. HOWEVER, I am the most fickle person in the world when it comes to the idea of getting one, so I have always settled for admiring them from afar. About two months ago, whilst on Pinterest (where else?), I realized I was fascinated with nautical tattoos. There was something about them that just grabbed me, something mysterious that I couldn't put my finger on.

I began to see ship helms, compass roses, and particularly anchors, everywhere. 

Just one of the three anchors
I randomly came across in the past couple
of months

And I do mean EVERYWHERE; I randomly came across two huge old anchors on display within the course of a week, not to mention seeing it on clothes, home decor, and even on a dog shirt that a Yorkie was wearing next to me while I was having coffee with a friend and telling her about how I've been seeing anchors, everywhere! (Dogs plus anchors? You got my full attention!)

What does it all mean?! I didn't know, but it was intriguing me. And that was enough to let me know that God was trying to tell me something. (If you know me well or you've read any of my posts, you may know that God speaks to me in puzzle pieces, almost like a treasure hunt to get me to dig deeper and explore.)

While I was seeing anchors everywhere, God was also bringing up an important issue in my life: trust.

...particularly that I didn't trust Him as much as I thought I did.

It was one night at Higher Ground when He dropped the realization on me:

"Hali, you don't really trust me...but guess what? That's okay! Because I designed trust this way: to be earned."

MIND. BLOWN.

I realized that I have a great deal of faith. But like I've always known and never really understood why, faith and trust are not the same. And I knew that while I could stand in faith for ridiculously unbelievable things and actually see them come to pass, there were areas of my life where I didn't actually trust Him. And it was hindering me. 

It is possible for you to have a great deal of faith and very little trust. Why? For a few reasons: For one, the Bible says that faith is a gift. This means that it cannot be mustered up ourselves, but is supernaturally given to us.

Trust on the other hand is something that must be earned through experience. 

Faith is available as a gift to EVERY SINGLE BELIEVER. If you've got Jesus, you've got your very own mustard seed (or more) of faith because it's a packaged deal.

However, not all Christians trust God, because while faith is supernatural, trust is relational. We might believe in God, but do we have intimate communion with Him? I could have faith that a family member loves me and would be there for me if I needed it, but can I really trust them with the deep innerworkings, desires, and secrets of my heart if we don't already have a close relationship established? You cannot have true trust without true relationship.

Normally, I'd be the type to beat myself up for realizing that I didn't trust God very much. But when He told me it was okay and began to show me why, the pressure was off.

See, God doesn't expect us to trust Him without actually experiencing His faithfulness come through for us. God actually set it up so that we had to be in relationship for trust to work. God wants to earn our trust just like any other person needs to earn our trust! Just think of it: an all-powerful being who has everything, made everything, and is everything, actually put the power in our hands to decide if He is trustworthy or not! Crazy!!

In the original Greek, the word for faith means, "divine persuasion" while the word for trust means "persuaded, to be won over." One is persuasion of a divine, supernatural, and spiritual nature, while the other is persuasion of our hearts and minds being won over through experiencing someone keeping their word! (in almost every single instance of that particular Greek word being used in the New Testament, it referred to people being "persuaded" by others appealing to their emotions, intellect, and experience, not being persuaded by an outside force, such as what faith does.)

While faith is in God's hands to give us, trust is in our hands to give God. WOW!!

Now this is just my opinion, but I believe strongly that God values trust much more than faith because faith is a free gift that can be operated in by all, while trust goes a step further into the realms of intimacy with the Father and not all who believe choose to go there. The Word says that without faith it is impossible to please God...but it also says that we are pleasing to God because the Father sees us through the Son who has already fully pleased Him (It's the beauty of the Gospel, that none of it has anything to do with us and our efforts: we're already in by just believing)! So if we are already pleasing to God by a supernatural gift of faith that has nothing to do with us, then how much more must God value it when we go the extra step past believing to intimately knowing? To deep relationship? Something that does have to do with us? Something we have to actively choose to pursue?

Something that is in our possession that we can choose to give to Him or not?

...Just let that sink in for a second.

Another reason we might have faith and not trust is because faith has to do with His power, while trust has to do with His character. We can all easily believe that an all-powerful God is capable of doing anything, but we don't all believe that He will do it. When we don't trust, it's because we aren't sure of His goodness. We aren't always sure of His character and sometimes doubt His love. "I know you can heal me God, but will you actually do it?" "I know you love me, but will you actually give me my heart's desire?"

It is easier to believe in the power of a sovereign God than it is to believe in the unwavering benevolent character of a sovereign God. And this is why so many people that love Jesus never really enter into true trust.

During the time this revelation was brewing within myself, I saw that the same revelation of trust was in the hearts of those around me and even people that came from the outside into our community and I truly believe that this is what God is saying: 

God is pleased with our faith, but He sees that we do not really trust Him. He is calling us somewhere deeper, a place where we learn to trust Him through an intimate and profound personal relationship with Him. He doesn't want us to stop at simply having faith because that will never take us deeper into His heart. He wants a people who are willing to go to the scary place of being completely vulnerable and reliant on Him.

So what does all of this have to do with anchors?

Well, if you're like me, the first scripture that comes to mind about anchors is in Hebrews 6: "....and we have this hope as a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls..."

Hope. That is where all this was going.

I knew that somehow, trust and hope were related.

What's funny is that when we use the word "hope," we're usually using it in reference to a desire: "Oh, I really hope that happens!" "I'm not sure it will, but I sure hope so!"

But the Bible uses the word completely differently: the Greek word for hope actually means "expectancy, joyful and pleasurable anticipation of what is sure or certain." When the Bible talks about hope, it speaks of  awaiting something that you KNOW FOR SURE is going to happen! 

So here's how it all ties together: how can we have real hope if we don't really trust God? 

The only way to have certainty about something coming to pass that He has promised is if we have previously experienced God's faithfulness to come through on His word like He said He would, before.

BAM. 

So what was my area (at least one of them) of trust that needed to be worked on? It might sound silly to you, but it's my birthday. For some reason, almost every year something goes wrong on my birthday and I feel like I just wish the day would be over and done with. I would dread my birthday every year because in my experience, it always resulted in disappointment and let-down. I had seen and been a part of many surprise parties in my circle of friends and the desire of my heart was to be thrown a surprise party, because deep down, everyone wants to be celebrated and lavished with love and appreciation on that day they were born. We all want to know that we are truly cared about and valued. Even though this was my desire, I knew it wasn't going to happen because I was very vocal with Ian and my close friends about wanting one and it wouldn't be a surprise since we talked about it. So I decided that this past Saturday for my 25th birthday, I wanted to plan a big wonderful shindig so it wouldn't be a flop and I wouldn't be left disappointed. 

So when my husband and friends told me they wanted to plan something without my help and wanted it to all be a surprise, I nervously handed over the reigns. "Here's your opportunity to practice what you preach! Trust me with your birthday," God said.

So I did.

And let me tell you, it was NOT easy. My husband and my friends began to exhibit signs that things were not going as planned. They were dropping hints that it wasn't going to be as good as they hoped and that I should keep my expectations down so I wouldn't be totally heart-broken when the desires of my heart didn't pan out. Ian was constantly frustrated and my friends kept telling me that collaborating was not going well. They said that all of their good ideas fell through, that everything was too expensive, and in the week leading up to my birthday, Ian told me that almost nobody was available to do anything to celebrate.

During the weeks that this was going on, my heart was in conflict: Part of me thought that maybe they were really planning a surprise party for me and were just trying to throw me off so I wouldn't know it. After all, that was the biggest desire of my heart and God told me I could trust Him with it. But at the same time, I kept trying to squash those thoughts whenever they arose because I didn't want to put my hope in anything that was not certain, lest it failed and I was left with crushed expectations, again. 

Through it all, I kept feeling God's sly little smirk and Him saying, "Just sit back and relax. I'll come through for you."

On the day of my birthday, I woke up with a totally different attitude. I was content with whatever happened and although everything seemed to be falling apart and the plans they had for my day pretty much fell through, I was still in a great mood. I put my "joyful expectancy" where the Bible says it will never disappoint (solely in Jesus) and enjoyed my day.

As the nighttime came, Ian and I got ready to go over to my friend's house for a dinner that she and her husband cooked for me. They were the only two that ended up being free for my birthday celebration. Pulling up to their apartment, I kept fighting the conflict in my head: "No Hali, do not expect there to be a surprise waiting for you behind their apartment door. It is JUST going to be the four of us. That's it."

We knock on the door, my heart is pounding. The door opens...

SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!

Cue waterworks.

"See Hali? I told you you could trust me. I came through."

All I could do was cry. I couldn't even process the fact that about 15 of my closest friends were all waiting for me, all there to celebrate me and show me how much they love and appreciate me in their lives. 

Me with my three friends
that helped to plan my surprise party.

God earned my trust that night in a big way. He came through for me in the most redemptive way possible and gave me exactly what He knew I needed in order to earn my trust. I felt my trust in Him go to a deeper level because of that...I had entrusted Him with my heart's deepest desire and He had not disappointed me. He won me over.

When it comes to trust, our only role is to allow ourselves to be put in situations where God can come through for us and all we have to do is sit back and watch Him do it. What a wonderful, FREEING revelation!! Now that I have personally experienced God come through for me in an area that I didn't fully trust Him, I know have great hope for what is to come in the future because I am "certain and sure" of His character to make good on His word!

So what's the moral of the story for you, my readers?: If you feel like you don't trust God as much as you want, don't beat yourself up! God designed trust to be earned over time and experience, and guess what? It's all on Him! The pressure is off to please God because He is already pleased! So sit back, relax, allow yourself to be in tough situations, and watch God take it upon Himself to prove just how faithful and trustworthy He is by coming through for you!

<3Hali

P.S. - I recently taught on this topic at Higher Ground and it was much more in-depth. If you would like my notes to assist you in further study, please let me know and I will send them to you! I love to share the wealth! :)