Ceilings, Floors, and Relay Batons

Great. There goes my blood again: boiling because someone said it. 

That dreaded phrase that ignites a defiant fire in me every time I hear it proclaimed with such annoying gusto...

"Our ceiling is their floor!"

There I sat, part of "The Forgotten 20-Somethings," listening to someone YET AGAIN praising the youth as the generation that's going to change the world, that it'll be OUR backs they stand on to reach the goal. As I crossed my arms and seethed angrily in my seat, I prayed that the retorts racing through my head would stay safely barricaded there and not burst forth in front of the entire congregation;

"...And what am I? Damaged goods? Too old? WHAT IF I DON'T WANT A DANG CEILING?!"

In 2007 when I met the Lord in earnest and immersed myself in supernatural culture, I had just exited the glorified teenage years and found myself as a member of the all-too-often overlooked "young adult" crowd. People always marvel over a kid who is experiencing the supernatural wonders of God, and revere the adults with families and children. But what about us college (or non-school-going) aged people in our 20's, just beginning to enter "the real world" that's a lot less glamorous than a Christian-raised homeschooler giving prophetic words (I'm not in the slightest bit against that, by the way!), or a well-established married couple with two kids and another on the way? I learned pretty quickly that mine was an age demographic usually treated like an afterthought, as if no one really knows what to do with us so we're left to carve a place out for ourselves in the shadow of the children's and youth ministries.

Fast forward a few years, and God was beginning to gingerly lead me away from young adult ministry (which, by the way, was much better than at my previous church), and down my next path. 

...And the irony was that I knew He was setting me up to work with the youth. 

From the very first moment I felt Him nudging me in that direction, the anger began to flare. I couldn't escape that demeaning phrase, imagery that further poked at my raw wounds from previous ministry experiences.

I would listen to different speakers raving about how massively anointed and special the kids in the church were, thinking to myself,

"Why are they seen as more powerful just because they're younger?

Why can't I change the world just as much?

And most importantly, WHY do I have to have a ceiling for them to walk on?!"

I didn't fully make peace with that awful phrase, but God did settle within me that mentoring the next generation didn't require me to somehow trade in living an exciting supernatural life so they could somehow get more than me. And since then, it's been just under 2 years that I've been happily working in youth ministry and loving every second...

However.

Recently, that bitterness and resentment snuck back up on me and pounced when I was most unaware, and that stupid phrase came back to haunt me, because...

DUN DUN DUN......

There's a new wave of teenagers and 20-somethings taking our place and experiencing the Presence of God and all the supernatural fun stuff that entails!

At first, I thought it was really beautiful and I was really excited about it; all of them congregating in mine and my friends' old spot on the left side of the stage like we did for years which caused the pastor to affectionately refer to the far left section of the church as the place where "The Crazies" sat; hungrily occupying the front rows just like we did, eagerly praying for the sick at the end of every service just like we always used to do, having weekly "bible studies" together, which are really just crazy Holy Spirit encounter nights.

But then it hit me: My life doesn't look like that, anymore. 

That initial joy in seeing the next wave of young people step into what I had walked in, began to transform into resentment and disappointment when I took a trip down memory lane and looked back in my journals from 6+ years ago; I read entry after entry chronicling the crazy supernatural adventures my friends and I would take, whether it was going up to strangers in the streets and seeing illnesses healed as we prayed, or finding our hands covered in gold dust during worship, and all manner of other crazy Holy Spirit encounters. Instead of being encouraged, I felt like I shrunk ten sizes...

...What happened to me?

Where was this girl who used to roll around laughing on the floor during worship? 

This girl whose idea of a fun Friday night was going out on a "treasure hunt" with friends to find some people to pray for?

Where in the world did she go?!

Feeling utterly deflated and terribly ordinary, that awful taunting phrase began to ring in my ears with a horrible new meaning attached:

"Our ceiling is their floor!"  

I knew I was bitter. I was well aware. And this time instead of stewing in it, I wanted to rip that sucker out once and for all.

"God, I HATE that phrase!" I complained loudly to Him, while driving one day. 

In His goodness, He replied immediately and I saw a very clear picture and suddenly, I had my answer to silent that phrase that irked me so much:

Christianity is not a multi-level building filled with people

on an infinite number of sealed-off floors...

It is a relay race! 

The thing about relay races is that no member is more vital than the other. It's a team effort and without everyone ready to run when it's their time, the game cannot be won and the entire team loses.

I'm not dumb; I knew it was a lie that somehow the younger generation was more important or more valuable than me, but it was hard to shake that when I'd already been hurt, and now a well-meaning, but poorly-worded mantra says that there's a cap on how high I can go, that eventually I'll hit a "ceiling" that only someone younger than me can surpass.  

When I did a little research on how relay races work, I learned that often the slowest member of the team will go first. Before I was tempted to be offended that perhaps God was eluding to the fact that I was the slowest team member, He reminded me of icebreaker ships: they are massive vessels with steel hulls that cut through thick layers of ocean ice, moving at a slow and steady pace.

...Are they somehow less important because they're slower? NO! If not for the icebreakers moving slowly but with force and clearing away the ice, the smaller ships wouldn't be able to move freely and quickly through the water. They aren't slow because they're weak ships, they're slow because they're big and strong!

And I realized... I was that icebreaker. That place in the left corner of the church where the new wave of young people who are getting blasted with the presence of God congregate, is the same patch of carpet stained with years of my tears and snot from my own encounters with Him. It's the same place I laid on the floor with friends, enraptured in holy laughter that kept us from standing upright. It's the same place I sat with my journal opened as I got download after download of revelation. The same spot my friends and I prayed for people and saw their legs grow, and sickness leave, and metal pins leave their bones. 

They can experience this now at a younger age and with more ease because of the icebreakers who went before them and cleared a way!

Now please, don't hear what I'm NOT saying: I am in NO WAY insinuating it's all because of me, or all because of my particular community of friends, or that these kids didn't have their own struggles to persevere through. I FULLY honor and acknowledge those who went before me, those who pressed in for breakthrough so that I could walk in and experience breakthrough, myself. And I acknowledge that every young person has their own story. But what I am saying is that we are all icebreakers for SOMETHING and SOMEONE. We are ALL in this relay race, and we all have a moment of running with the baton, and a moment of passing it off to the next runner. 

So where does that leave me to answer my earlier question of "Where did that girl go?"

Well, that's simple: I'm resting while someone else runs with the baton. I won't belabor this topic because it's been spoken on so many times and we all understand the reference, but this is about the time God began to remind me about SEASONS:

That girl who loved to dance around in church like a fool didn't leave; she's in a different season. She no longer lives with her parents, where her only responsibility was cleaning her room and paying her phone bill. She no longer has the time to stay up til 4am with friends on weeknights, praying and getting wasted in the Presence of God. She now has a husband and a house, a mortgage to pay and responsibilities to tend to. This is not bad, and it doesn't mean I've "peaked." I haven't hit a ceiling. I've simply stepped into a new place that looks different, but lacks nothing good because with God, it's IMPOSSIBLE to go backwards in His glory!

(( I believe this all ties in with comparison, that nasty thief of joy, but that's a whole other topic for another time --in fact, my good friend Ayse wrote an awesome blog post about it, which you can read right here. It's written for a mother's perspective, but you don't need to be a mom to relate! ))

The best part of this revelation is the fact that as I was realizing this, some of those very youth expressed their enormous honor and gratitude for the road my peers and I walked before them to make their way with God possible. WOW!! Talk about humbling!!

So what, now? What do I do with that silly little phrase? Not going to lie, it still irritates me, but I have a different understanding.

I might not be in a season where everyone can see God making a spectacle of my encounters with Him, but that hardly means I'm no longer moving upward! Right now, I'm grateful to be cheering on the runners as they grip the batons and dash faster than I did during my turn. I can do this gladly with no fear that I'll bump my head on this metaphorical ceiling, because guess what? I've decided that I don't have one. The only person who can put a cap on me is myself, and you couldn't pay me to do it. 


Seasons come and go, but they can only bring you forward, not back. I no longer have to be disappointed when they look different. I no longer have to be resentful or bitter when someone enters into one that I've left. I can embrace the season I'm in without fear of losing a piece of myself, because they build one upon another. Nothing is lost, and nothing is wasted. 

So if you've got that baton, run! If you're passing it off and assuming a different function for the team, embrace it! 

No matter your role, no matter your season, don't forget that it matters and you're vital to a team victory.



Peace out, ceiling!  

(Newly) Married Wisdom #2

The last time I posted about what I've learned about marriage, I was only three months into it...hard to believe we are hitting our one-year anniversary in just under a week!!

As you can guess, I've learned a lot since that last post. I'm beginning to understand the meaning of "you learn something new everyday."

Without further ado, I give you my newest discoveries in the magical land of matrimony!

1)Perspective and response: a recipe for success! If I had to name one of the most valuable things I've learned thus far, it would be that your perspective of circumstances and the responses you have in them is one of the most important components to a strong marriage and strong character, and a successful life in general. I think it's obvious that marriage is not always rainbows and unicorns and dancing lollipops, so what do we do when things are less than desirable? When our spouses do something that makes our blood boil or our heart break a little bit? 

I gotta be honest and say that it took me a fair amount of time to put away my pride at how it's my "right" to react dramatically and without thinking if my husband did something to hurt me or aggravate me, and learn the power of a kind and loving response no matter what (still working on it...).

I was under the notion that because I was a female, I had permission to be overly moody, dramatic and emotional, and my husband just had to suck it up and deal with it because well, I'm a woman and that's how we women are! I could not have been more wrong. Why? Because moodiness and emotions are no excuse when it comes to loving like Jesus loved! Like, seriously: the man was tortured and died on a cross and He didn't complain once! Last time I checked, we are ALL called to follow his example, not just the dudes!

There's a Proverb that says "a fool expresses all of their emotions, but a wise person controls them." God showed this scripture to me during a time I was being particularly "difficult" and as a result was hurting my husband's feelings with my reckless outbursts and not thinking before I spoke. Holding your tongue is not easy, but man does it pay off in the midst of an argument! I've found that my husband excels in this area and I've got much more to learn about responding in love than I thought!

Keeping heavenly perspective is HUGE in marriage. It is easy in the midst of a rough situation or a bad day or an argument with your other half to see things negatively, to feel disappointed and downcast and discouraged. But if you change your perspective and simply look at the situation and/or your spouse with God's eyes, everything changes!

And wanna know something really cool? When your perspective shifts so do your words and actions! It becomes far easier to respond in love and gentleness in every situation when you are no longer looking at the glass as half empty and choose to see it as half full, instead. Nifty how that works, isn't it? This might be something you're saying: "well, duh!" but it's one thing to know it and another thing to get in the nitty-gritty of life, put your money where your mouth is and actually walk it out.

Along with having heavenly perspective, selfishness needs to take a back seat and we need to look from our spouse's perspective. I can't tell you how many arguments we've gotten in where it was full of "I feel, I need, I want," instead of putting myself in his shoes and seeing from where he stands. Selflessness is contingent on a godly perspective. It's not possible to remain in a constant state of selflessness without seeing things from the perspective of love! And it's not possible to have a loving response if we don't have a loving perspective. 

I feel like learning to not be selfish is a lifelong process and I never realized how selfish I could be until I got married!


2) Holiness over happiness. This is HUGE, guys. So many people, in the church especially, have this misconception that the prime focus of marriage is to find someone to keep you happy. Would you call me a Scrooge if I said they were wrong? Well then bah-humbug! If you're looking to your spouse to be your source of happiness, you will never be satisfied. I noticed when I put expectation on my husband to love me "perfectly" 100% of the time and to spend every waking moment enamored with his undying love for me, I not only found myself disappointed all the time by every opportunity that went by that he didn't take to be gushy and poetic, but I made him feel like an awful failure of a spouse. Really, Hali! No one is capable of that sort of attitude 24/7!

I was setting a standard no human being could ever meet. While marriage does entail those things and God does desire for us to have a marriage full of passion and romance, the truth is that only Jesus can satisfy those desires 100% of the time without ever letting us down.

I firmly believe that God allows circumstances to arise where our spouses fall short of our expectations to remind us who our true source of love is, and that's Him! I can recall many times where I found myself so "happy" in my flesh, so comfortable with my husband and my circumstance, that I was starting to get my main fill from Ian and stopped going to God for His affections. And let me tell you, everything can be absolutely wonderful with your husband and you still won't feel whole on the inside if your primary source of love isn't coming from God.

All that to say: God is far more concerned with you becoming more like Him than you becoming more comfortable. You know that whole spiel I gave in the last marriage post about iron sharpening iron? Well ladies and gents, there you have the reason for marriage! (Of course God wants us to be happy! But having true joy in your spirit that doesn't depend on circumstances and being happy in your flesh because everything is hunky-dory are two totally different things, and one is far more valuable than the other, not to mention it is available while you go through the rough stuff!) So don't get disillusioned if you find yourself having days where you're not-so-happily-married so to speak. Growth never happens without a little bit of hardship! After all, a tree doesn't grow if there's no pressure on the seed, right?

I once heard a quote that said, "If you want to follow Jesus with your whole heart, stay single. But if you want to become more like Jesus, get married." That pretty much nails it.


3)What happens when we're both right? This is a dilemma I've found myself and my husband in quite a few times in the midst of a disagreement. Sometimes, we are both justified in our argument against the other person. But what I've noticed is that when we are both right about something, 100% of the time we are also both wrong about something. Ha! Another "duh" moment. But trust me, it needs reminding in the midst of a disagreement!

So how do you resolve an issue when both sides are justified and have valid arguments?

I remember one time God reprimanded me when I was whining to him about how I was right and Ian was wrong, how I am justified to be angry because I was right, I, I, I, I!

He stopped me and said, "Why don't you think about what you did wrong instead of what he did wrong?" That stopped me in my tracks. I was pointing out the speck in Ian's eye, all the while I had a huge log in my own!

True humility does not get hung up on being wronged. Rather, humility prompts us to take a look at ourselves and see what areas we need to grow in before pointing the finger at someone else. 


Even more than revealing my pride, it revealed to me my mistrust. Fear rose up in me that God wouldn't call him out on what he did wrong and so I had to. I realized how little I trusted God with the details of my marriage because I felt I had to control the situation. So untrue!

As with everything else that God does, it makes no sense to our logic to react in humility when we are wronged, but it yields good fruit! Like the proverb says, "A kind word turns away anger." Being humble and meek will get you the apology you want, not being prideful and angry! I have seen this time and time again, that when I am the first to apologize, it softens my husband's heart towards me and he will apologize for his wrongs, as well (and vise versa!).

However, even in the event that our spouse doesn't apologize, we are still called to humility (now this is a hard one...)! Ultimately, God's goal is to shape your character, regardless of whether your spouse is allowing Him to shape theirs. Any opportunity to come low and humble ourselves is an opportunity to become more like Christ and get closer to Him. Why let that be stolen from us because we are all bent out of shape and offended by our husband or wife? God uses ALL things for our good, so if your husband or wife is being a jerk, be thankful that it's another chance to practice what we preach and look more like our God! That's why we're married, in the first place! Remember? :)



I'm sure I could dredge up more to share, but we'll save that for another time. Have anything to add? Comments are always welcome! :)


<3Hali

Live like a Child, Love like a Prostitute

Would you be offended if I told you the way to rekindle your 

spiritual flame is to become like a child and a prostitute? You should be! 

Unless of course you've read your Bible, lately...

Have you ever woken up one morning, looked at your relationship with Jesus and wondered when it got so dry and passionless? Where along the lines did it lose the spark, the fire, the emotion and become like the boring routine marriages you see on sitcoms that you never want to have?

Lately, I've been feeling like my initial reckless devotion to Him has gotten lost in the mix of life. So many things demand my attention nowadays that when I go to spend time with Him, I'm not as fired up about Him as I once was. I think back to the last couple years when I was walking around like a lovesick teenager, and I miss it. How do I get it back?

While my heart was parched and crying out "water! water!" in a raspy dehydrated voice, Rick Pino came for a night of worship at The Harbour. Not only did the music minister to me, but the things he mentioned between songs got me thinking...

If we want to return to our first love, we need to become like a child and a prostitute.  

Shocking!! Scandalous!! Heretical!! Well, Jesus was, in fact, those things to the people of His day when He spoke very highly and lovingly of those two specific kinds of people: children and prostitutes. 

Let's think about this for a second:

The first story I want to mention is one of my absolute favorites, of when the woman identified in Luke chapter 7 as a prostitute busted in on Jesus having dinner with some high-society religious snobs known as the Pharisees, and proceeded to dump a ridiculously expensive perfume upon Jesus, washing His feet with her tears and drying them with her hair. What He said about her is that wherever the Gospel is preached, her story will be told in honor of what she did for Him. 

The second story I want to talk about is in Matthew chapter 18 where Jesus' disciples asked Him who would is the greatest in the Kingdom of God hoping to get their ego stroked, but were thrown off when Jesus put a kid on His lap and said that only the child-like are greatest in the kingdom.

What both stories have in common is that Jesus was showing what makes someone great, recognized, famous even, in His kingdom.

What does it mean to be great, recognized, and famous? The answer to that (besides the obvious) is almost always a person's relationship and status amongst the most important and influential people. In a kingdom, one would be considered great and famous by their proximity and relationship to the king.

Are you beginning to see where I'm going with this? 

The reason children are the greatest in God's kingdom and the prostitute's story was made famous is because of the proximity of their hearts to Our King.  If we have been feeling like we are lacking in the intimacy department in our time with God, let us go back to the basics and take a leaf out the child's and the prostitute's book and learn how to be close to His heart, again.

The Child

Gosh, there are SO many things I could say about child-likeness that God has shown me over the years, but I'll just highlight a few that I think are essential to rekindling the flame of intimacy with Him.

Simplicity. I think this is a huge one for the average American adult. We make everything so complicated and cluttered! Our lives are so full of stuff that we can barely take a breath before we have something else to do, to buy, to worry about, to say, to be distracted with. Think about what consists of a child's day: playing, laughing, enjoying snacks and nap time (I like this one!), maybe being creative and drawing doodles with crayons and dancing around in costumes. Children just don't even have the capacity to make things complicated or fill their life with clutter. You'll never sit down with a 4-year-old and hear them complain about how they need new silverware because the set they have is old, or worry that they didn't get the best deal on a big screen TV for a Christmas gift. They'll never rant about the economy affecting their paycheck or how the A/C guy screwed them over and charged them too much to fix it.

I'm not saying that we have the luxury of having zero responsibilities and we should all spend our time in tu-tus and watching Disney movies between naps (wouldn't that be nice?), but we can certainly take a close look at how full and happy their lives are without filling it with stuff that is trivial at the end of the day.

I know that for me, sometimes I just need to simplify my life so I don't give all of my time and attention to things that are so much less important than Jesus. I remember one time when I was constantly thinking about how I really needed a new pair of jeans. It sounds so dumb, but women understand how hard it is to find that perfect pair and how frustrating it is when you can't seem to! It was almost a week of searching with no luck: it was consuming my every thought! I would go into my room with the intentions of spending time with Jesus, only to look at my closet and get distracted with thoughts of a new pair of jeans and before I knew it, an hour had passed of me thinking about NOTHING important.  Finally, God told me to simplify; I went through my wardrobe and got rid of all the clothing I didn't need, then that turned into getting rid of other things in my room that I didn't need or want anymore that were just taking up space. It felt GREAT to unclutter my room and my closet (almost synonymous with "life" for many women) and I realized that suddenly I was able to think more clearly. I had much more peace and my mind was able to stay focused on God. I wasn't consumed with finding those dang jeans, anymore either! I eventually found a good pair, but it didn't require my thoughts to constantly be trying to plot how to get them.

Children's hearts are able to stay pure and their lives joyful because they keep things simple. When we keep things simple in our lives, it allows us to live free of distractions and worries that keep our eyes off Jesus.

Awe and Wonderment. Just like with the concept of simplicity, we can get so distracted and bogged down with life that we forget to look around us and enjoy the world we live in. Think of the way a kid will "oooh" and "ahhh" and giggle at someone blowing bubbles and think it's the most delightful thing they've ever seen, while an adult might look on and have no reaction to it at all. I mean, have you ever really stopped to think about how cool a bubble actually is? It's a circular encasing of soap and water that's holding air from your lungs, and it floats and makes rainbows in the light! How is that not cool?!

I mean, insert anything "little kids think are amazing and are really very simple" and you've got an example of the kind of innocent fascination that God wants us to have with Him. If we take the time to look around us, at the glory of a sunset, the power of the ocean, even the blades of grass or the way a bee lands on a flower, suddenly we find ourselves back in the state of mind we were made to be in: beholding the beauty of God. There's no way you can spend time observing God's creation and not fall in love with Him, again! If you ever find yourself not being able to engage with Him, just take the time to admire His handiwork, be it through nature or another person, or even just thinking about what He has done in your life and I'm sure that child-like awe and wonder will rekindle your heart!

Be yourself. This is something that children and the prostitute from Luke 7 have in common. Children couldn't care less what people think of them! Do you ever see a child changing their personality out of fear of how other people may look at them? Of course, not. Kids have virtually no fear of man. I love seeing little kids just start mozying around the front of the church during service because like Rick Pino talked about when he came to The Harbour, kids don't know the religious rules, they aren't aware of what is acceptable or offensive, they're not even aware that they supposedly have dignity to uphold! They are simply themselves and they don't make apologies for it.

Fear of man is a MAJOR problem when it comes to intimacy with Jesus. If you can't let go of caring about what other people think of you, you'll never experience the depths of His love that He wants to take you to. When you're in love, you do crazy things, you say crazy things, heck you even LOOK crazy, sometimes! When you're truly enamored, you don't care who knows it or who has an opinion about it! Dignity is overrated when it comes to loving God. He doesn't care if you look well put together or if you're self-control is helping to keep people at ease in their religious boxes, He just wants your heart! Just like an earthly father delights in their kid being themselves, so does God delight in seeing us uninhibited by people's opinions and just embracing the identity He put within us.

There's probably a hundred more things that we can learn from kids that I didn't mention, but think about it for yourself. Maybe there's other child-like qualities that God wants you to apply to your life!

The Prostitute
Out of all of the women mentioned in the Bible, this one is who I am most inspired to be like. Once again, there is so much to be learned from this story, but I'll just mention a few things.

Lose your dignity. This woman did not let the opinions of others keep her from expressing her devotion to Jesus. What she did was COMPLETELY inappropriate and scandalous for the times. Being a prostitute was one of the most shamed things a woman could be. She was "tainted" and therefore unable to ever marry and become "legitimate," and so was destined to be an outcast, forever. She was looked at as dirty scum, not worthy to be in the same vicinity with the holy Pharisees. Yet she had the gall to not only crash someone's dinner party, but the dinner party of the most holy and revered people in the land! She completely disregarded the stares, gasps, and murmurings that were certainly erupting from people all around, and stayed completely focused and enraptured with Jesus. Did you also know that for a woman to have her hair down in public was hugely undignified and unlady-like? It was a dishonor to the woman and other women in general. In our day, it would have been like her walking into a business meeting wearing lingerie. If it wasn't enough that she didn't have her hair pulled back, she actually used it to wipe Jesus' feet!

This woman was doing everything all wrong, according to societal norms and religious rules. But she did not care. She was so desperate for God, so in love with Him, that she did not allow what people deemed correct to hold her back. She was not a victim of the culture and neither should we be!

How often do we think about what the person near us in line is going to think if we say "God bless you" to the cashier as we check out? How often do we want to sing out loud to Jesus in church, but then stop because we might feel embarrassed by what the person next to us will think? Heck, let's take spirituality out of it and just think about how often we hold back from doing or saying anything in particular just because we don't want to give anyone the chance to think badly of us?

It's the "I don't care what others think" kind of attitude that got Jesus to say, "Look at the way she loves me, now THIS is what I'm talking about!" (not in those words, of course, haha). I don't know about you, but that's how I want to make Jesus feel, and that's how I want to feel when I'm with him. Not giving a rip what people think of you, especially when you're worshipping God, is totally key to returning to that beautiful place of first love with Him, because that kind of reckless abandon is the stuff of first love!

Be extravagant and reckless. This woman literally gave EVERYTHING she had when she broke that alabaster jar and poured the spikenard on Jesus. That was not a cheap bottle of perfume and given her social status, was most likely her entire fortune. But she didn't even think twice because she knew Jesus was worthy of her most prized possession and all of her affections.

If you're having a hard time finding the passion again, begin to do acts of passion, again! Live like you've got nothing to lose because what you have in God can't be lost! Give extravagantly to those who are in need without fear of finding yourself with nothing. Love the hardest people to love with all you've got because that is the heart of the Father.

And most importantly, worship with your entire being. Don't hold anything back, whether it's from fear of man like previously mentioned, or apprehension to expose your whole heart out of fear of being so vulnerable. Jesus responds to sold out lovers like no one's business! In fact, this is the only time Jesus ever mentioned someone being remembered for their act of love for Him! Clearly that kind of devotion means a great deal to Him.



The biggest gripe Jesus had with the church in Ephesus was that they did all the right things and said all the right things, but they had forsaken the passionate love they had in the beginning. His response on how to return to the way they felt about Him is in Revelation 2:2 where He said, "Return to me and change the way you think and act, and do what you did at first." 

Perhaps the best way to get that flame going again is to revisit those early times with Jesus and do what you once did with Him. Did you have early morning coffee dates on your porch and talk with Him while you watched the sun come up? Did you go sit on the beach at night and converse with Him under the stars? Did you lay on your floor with music on and just enjoy His presence?

What made your heart pound, before? What was it that made you walk around with uncontrollable smiles and tangible sense of His love that stuck with you all day? Those are surely the things that will bring you back to a place passion and zeal, and will find you lovesick once again.



I will close with this: the Word says that we love Him because He first loved us. Sometimes the only way to truly get your heart back to where it used to be is to simply allow His love to wash over you and receive His affections. While you may have lost sight of your passion for a short while, God has never lost His for you. All it takes is one moment with Him and you have His full attention. Give Him your time and see the same happen for you.

"You have stolen my heart.

You make my heart beat faster 

with one glance of your eye..."

-Song of Solomon 4:9

Home is Wherever I'm with You...

Do you ever find yourself in moments of distress, fear, sadness, or exhaustion just thinking to yourself, "I just want to go home"?

This past year, I noticed that my automatic response in times of pain or hardship, frustration or anxiety, was a deep heart cry for home. That may seem a little confusing, considering in most of those instances, I was sitting in my house, where I lived with my husband, in a familiar region of Florida where I've been for years, with family and friends close by. If that's not home, then what is? And if it isn't then what was I yearning for?

There is no place that I feel more at home than Fire Island, NY. It's the place I grew up and forged a permanent connection with the ocean, the place I learned to sail and crab, where my dad taught me how to open a clam and catch frogs by moonlight, where I spent nights being rocked to sleep by the waves and mornings building sand castles. It's the place where I made every fond memory of my childhood with people that I love. There's no where else in the world that I feel so myself, so in my element, so at peace and happy.

Needless to say, I get homesick for Fire Island all of the time. We go back to visit every Summer for about a week. When I think of home, that's the place that holds that title in my heart. But unfortunately, I can't stay there and inevitably have to leave at the end of our visit. Being so far away from the place I call my true home has given me the opportunity to feel displaced so I can realize something greater:

Home is not a place, it is a Person.

I can always expect to walk into a church service and have the speaker preach a message that is exactly what God has been putting on my heart. The message on Friday was on point with my own thoughts and the conclusion we drew was the same: Abba is our home.

Jesus constantly redirected our gaze to Heaven in scripture: "You're not of this world. Your citizenship is elsewhere. Heaven is your home. The Father is your home." If you look up the word "abide" in the Bible, you'll see it multiple times over in reference to Him and His love. The word abide means "remain, stay, live, dwell." The place we call home is where we feel safe to remain, the most free to stay as long as we'd like, where we can live a life of being authentically ourselves, where we can dwell in comfort. I don't know about you, but that is precisely how I feel when I "abide" in God's presence!

As humans, we are wired with the need for safety and security, somewhere we can go to rest without worry, somewhere familiar, somewhere we feel we belong. While in this physical reality, it is all too easy to find the fulfillment of these needs in physical places and things. But we are not primarily bodies with spirits, we are primarily spirits with bodies. Our ultimate home must be found, therefore, in the spiritual realm, not the physical. Our ultimate home is in the One who can meet our needs for refuge, comfort, and oneness the best, because He created those needs to begin with.

Our desire for somewhere to call home is rooted in our desire for oneness with God.

You may have noticed the title of my post from a song called "Home" by the band Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes. I think the lyrics pretty much exemplify how people feel when they're in love: that nothing is more comforting, more safe, more freeing than being with the person you love.  Humans craving relationship and union with someone else is the picture of Jesus' desire to love and be loved by us as His bride. Being unified with someone is exactly what makes home feel like home!



Just as I began to ponder these things, Hurricane Sandy ripped through the North East. I don't want to minimize what people are going through by saying I understand how they feel to lose everything because I don't, but Fire Island, my home, was devastated along with theirs. Seeing the pictures of damage in the place most dear to my heart in the entire world, I felt like someone just punched me in the gut, stole my puppy, and trashed my house all at the same time. Seeing the one place you love more than anything under such destruction is totally heart-breaking.


But for all who have lost their homes, we can rejoice in the face of tragedy in knowing that we have a home that no wind or rain, snow, sleet, hail, tornado or wave can destroy. Even in the midst of the rubble, we have full access to an unblemished, unbreakable, perfect dwelling place. He is comfort, He is safety, He is hope, He is rest, and He is free for all to take shelter in.

His name is Jesus and He is our true home.

"Those who live in the shelter 

of the Most High

will find rest in the shadow 

of the Almighty."

-Psalm 91:1

<3 Hali

"Can you see me now? Gooooood."

You know what, Shel? You were on to something with this poem. And I'm not being biased just because he is my all-time favorite poet (as if I read that much poetry, anyway...), it's because it speaks so precisely of what has been on my heart the past couple of weeks.

In the spirit of this post, I'm just going to cut right to the chase, no ruffles or frills or unnecessary fluff...

Transparency.  Let's talk about.


September marks 6 months of marriage to my fantastic amazing husband; I love him so much! But the past couple of weeks have been anything but fantastic and amazing and I have not loved them so much. In fact, they have straight up sucked. I realize that rough days and weeks (hopefully that doesn't extend to "months") in marriage are inevitable. Why? Because it's life and life isn't always rosy and happy and easy-going... add another human being to the mix who also has a life that isn't always rosy and happy and easy-going, and you've got a married life that isn't always rosy and happy and easy-going. 

No surprises, there.

But what did take me by surprise was the way I felt as I began to encounter challenges as a new wife: "I am alone in this and no one understands."

I have never been one to believe I'm alone. Why now? I asked myself.  Why, all of a sudden, do I feel like there is no one who can relate and no one who has been through this before me?

Then I remembered the times that I didn't feel alone or misunderstood. What was the key ingredient? People were transparent with me.

Looking back on my engagement, I remember a whole lot of people being thrilled for me, a whole lot of congratulating and excitement and encouragement. But what I don't remember was a whole lot of people who have gone before me pulling me to the side and saying, "Hey, this is the not-so-fun stuff that you're probably going to encounter your first year, and this is how you deal with it." 

Of course, thanks to every cutesy generic sermon on marriage I've ever heard, I was well prepared for some of the more, er...."intense" marital disputes that would arise, like when he leaves the toilet seat up and the cap off the toothpaste, or when I like to sleep with the door closed and he likes it opened (*eye roll*). 

But what about the times he doesn't steward my heart properly and hurts my feelings? What about the times I am irritable and say mean things that cut him down? What about all the painful, difficult, frustrating things that happen in the process of learning how to become a loving husband and a respectful wife that the Word tells us to be? Where were all the words of wisdom on that?

A lack of transparency fosters isolation and hopelessness.

And that's how I felt; isolated and hopeless. Like the girl in the poem, my skin was a violent shade of blue and no one else's was. Obviously what I was going through wasn't normal or okay because no one told me that they've gone through this. Something was surely wrong with us!

I decided to remove the mask and let others see what was going on in my life. As I began to share my struggles with other newlywed friends, I discovered something: I was not alone. Not only was I not alone, but I discovered that there was nothing wrong with my marriage. In fact, we were totally normal!  Their faces were just as blue as mine.

While this revelation set me free from comparing us to other "perfect" marriages and of worrying that something was gravely wrong in ours, it also set a righteous indignation ablaze in my heart.

People of God, it's time to drop the fear of being judged by others, the fear of being hurt in a place of vulnerability, fear of damaging our reputation or having our ego bruised, and just be open: Our transparency will set others free! 

When we wear a mask of "perfection," we unknowingly set others up for failure by showing them a standard they can't meet, which causes hopelessness, disillusionment, disappointment, and discouragement.  But when we open ourselves up to others, we give them the courage to remove their mask and begin to walk out their own personal process with confidence and hope, instead of the crippling fear of not being perfect. 


Transparency removes all barriers to intimacy. It allows trust to bloom into real relationships. And isn't that really what this whole life is about? Isn't unity the content of Jesus' last prayer for the church before he was crucified? Fear of sharing what's really going on behind closed doors only keeps us divided and scared. But we are called to carry each other's burdens. We are instructed to confess our junk to each other because we were never meant to do any of this alone. How are we supposed to help each other go higher if we are too afraid to open up and give people a glimpse into our lives? How is anyone going to know they aren't alone in their trials and sufferings if we don't show them that they aren't? 

Obviously, I was writing from the perspective of marriage. But this concept can be applied across the board. Do not be afraid to be real with someone because you may just be the answer to their prayers. 


One last note: Transparency is a two-way street. We can't expect someone to open up to us if we are clamming up, ourselves. And we can't expect everyone to spill their guts out at our feet without casting aside our pride and coming in humility to seek wisdom from them, honoring them for the trail they've blazed before us. In certain respects, I was just as guilty for not seeking out advice as others were for not freely giving it. 




Having said that, I want to close this post, from one newlywed to others who are in the same boat or about to be, by saying what I wish others had said to me:

There are going to be times when your husband fails to love you well. 

It's okay, he is learning! 

There are going to be times when you fail to treat him respectfully.

It's okay, you are learning!

You are going to hurt each other and dishonor each other. He is going to be insensitive and you are going to be annoyingly over-sensitive. He is going to misunderstand your feminine heart and you are going to misunderstand his masculine spirit. There's going to be miscommunications and misunderstandings, wrongful assumptions and false conclusions. You are both going to be selfish and self-serving. You are going to disagree and argue, you are going to get frustrated and annoyed. 

Neither of you are going to "get it" right away.

...and it's okay. 

It's normal.

There is nothing wrong with you or him or your marriage.

   And most of all, don't despise the process because that is when you become more like Jesus. 

"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails."

-1 Corinthians 13:7-8

<3 Hali

Expectations: Not for the Faint of Heart

I've heard it said, "If you don't have expectations, you won't be disappointed when they're not met." As an optimist and an idealist, I never liked this way of thinking. And honestly, not subscribing to it has always done me good.

But let's get real for a second; it's simply impossible to go through life without experiencing the disappointment of having our hopes dashed at some point, even when we put our hope in the proper place.  So how do we reconcile unmet expectations with a God that says He'll never let us down?

Like any normal female with a dream in her heart would do, I've spent much of my 9 years of knowing my now-husband, fantasizing about my life with him as a married couple. One of my deepest desires was to take him to the place that I grew up, my most favorite place in the entire world. Summer after Summer that he could not go there with me and my family, I would dream of the day when it would happen, conjuring up beautiful mental images of us walking hand-in-hand down the beach, star-gazing at night, sailing on the bay. My heart would literally hurt while I dreamt of the day it would finally become a reality.

After so many years of waiting, I was finally able to bring him with me this year in our first Summer as husband and wife! Could the timing have been any more perfect? I was simply beside myself. Finally my dreams were coming true!

In the week before our trip, God kept bringing to mind the lyrics of the Andrew Ehrenzeller song that I picked to be sung during our wedding ceremony: 

"So I set my love upon you, no expectation, only revelation..."

(Looking back at my 5 months of marriage, the irony and humor of my song choice is not lost on me, but that's another dozen blogs for another time...)

Going into this trip, I had extremely high expectations. After all, I have had years to dream and fantasize, to plan out my perfect scenario for every situation while on this vacation. However, from the moment we woke up to go to the airport, nothing was going the way I had "planned." Dumb little things that went wrong were like fatal blows to my dream. By the time we landed at our destination, I was extremely irate, disappointed, and quite honestly, hurt with God. Ian picked up on it right away and wasted no time reprimanding me in love: 

"Don't let the fact that things aren't going exactly as you thought, steal your joy."

Of course as any heart-sick individual would do at the loss of a perfect plan, I didn't heed his words right away and let a couple of precious days go by feeling upset, let down, and disillusioned as each hour yielded different results than I expected of this long-awaited dream.

"God, don't you tell us to expect great things? Don't you tell us that you're a good Daddy who wants to give us the desires of our heart? What happened, here?!" 

And there it was again, the words sang over my marriage:

"...no expectation, only revelation..."

And then I realized my fault: I put expectation in my own ideas of perfection, rather than putting expectation first and foremost in the character of God to fulfill dreams in His perfection! It's so vital that we don't jump ahead of God, assume that we know how He is going to do something, and then build our hope upon it. That is a sure-fire way to construct a rickety foundation that will crumble under the weight of the slightest disappointment! 

I've heard so many times to "come to God expecting": expect Him to move in a mighty way, expect Him to answer you, expect Him to be there in a time of need, expect Him to show up.

Are these bad things to hope in? Of course, not! But what I've found that I do (and I'm sure I'm not the only one guilty of this) is I will go that teensy little step further and--sometimes unconsciously--put my hope in what I think His methods will be and expect everything to happen just as I imagine. Then when things don't go the way I expected I am left feeling let down, like God didn't come through on what He promised.

"...only revelation." 

What we need is not expectation, but revelation, a.k.a perspective. Perspective to see things as God sees them and not as we see them, perspective to remember that His ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts (Isaiah 55:8), that we must not lean on our own understanding, but trust that He knows what He's doing (Proverbs 3:5-6). It's easy to think that everything has gone wrong when they didn't go the way we wanted them to, but that hardly means God didn't make good on His promise; it means He did it HIS way, not ours, and we should ask for revelation to see beyond what things appear to be on the surface.

Bottom line: We will always risk being disappointed if we are more hopeful in His methods than in His character; His methods are often a mystery and beyond our understanding, but His character is clear and it never changes.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is a tree of life." (Proverbs 13:12) The Hebrew word for "deferred" means "delayed" and the Hebrew word for "fulfilled" is "come, arrive." I finally see this verse in light of Jesus: while we may have to wait while the fulfillment of our dreams is delayed, we will never have to wait for access to Jesus and the fulfillment we can find in Him...it has already arrived! Because of this, our hearts will never be sick and our desire always fulfilled when our hope is exclusively in Him: Not what He can do, will do, or has done in lieu of our heart's desires, but simply in who He is!



In hind sight, the fact that my dream didn't pan out exactly as I had always imagined was a good thing--more than a good thing, it was a great thing. I would not have experienced what I had and realized what I did had things gone any differently. Once I gained revelatory perspective and looked past my expectations, I was able to take joy in my dream, again. I ditched the disappointment and embraced the moment, and while it didn't outwardly appear to be my version of perfect, I chose to enjoy it and it was amazing.



God has known the deepest desires of my heart longer than I have. He was aware of them developing for 9 years and He knew how I longed for their culmination. I am no special case; God sees your heart, as well. Have you been disappointed lately by circumstances taking an unexpected and unwanted turn? Have you had great expectations only to find yourself disillusioned with their outcome? Release your expectations and receive His revelation! Putting hope in Him will not disappoint.



"And this hope will not lead to disappointment..." - Romans 5:5



<3 Hali

(Newly) Married Wisdom

I'll admit it; I used to inwardly roll my eyes when someone who was recently married tried to give me marital advice. I mean, how much wisdom can you really gain and pass on in just the first few months of marriage?

As it turns out, a heck of a lot!

Now, about 3 1/2 months into it, I've honestly gained more understanding on various topics in this short time than I have in years of being single. You might be thinking that I'm over-exaggerating, but the thing is that when you're single you aren't with someone all  the time. You aren't forced to be refined 24/7, or have your virtues tested every day, all day. When you are one with another human being, you can no longer avoid confronting your imperfections and shortcomings; you are forced to deal with them head-on. As someone wise said to me just last week, "Marriage really is the Great Sanctifier."

Isn't God's marital design just fabulous? (if you sense partial sarcasm, you've sensed correctly).


So, in the spirit of having my eyes opened to so many new things, I wanted to share just a couple of the top revelations I've gotten thus far from being married.


1) Comparison is the devil...
Comparison. This ugly word will often disguise itself as "getting wisdom" from other married couples, but man I've gotta tell you, that line is super thin. Sometimes you walk multiple paces over it and don't even realize until you're sinking into a dark spiral of unjustified depression because you saw another married couple reading a book on marriage together, and you certainly aren't doing that; well, there must be something wrong with my marriage if we aren't having our very own book-reading duet going on!

What I was losing sight of is the fact that God made us all unique individuals with unique personalities and callings, so why on Earth would He expect our marriages to all look the same? If marriage is really an allegory of our relationship to Jesus, then all of our marriages should look just as different as our personal relationship with Him. I'm not saying we shouldn't learn from those who are also walking this thing out, but we certainly shouldn't hold them as our standard of what our own marriage should look like. If love is our standard, we will always be successful. 


Comparison breeds all sorts of nastiness that I noticed started to crop up in my life: It made me ungrateful for what I have, it caused me to be bitter and judgmental of my husband, it made me jealous of what other people had (or appeared to have on the outside), and it made me feel hopeless that I could ever achieve the "right" marriage. This is all rotten fruit that you do not want growing in your relationship with your spouse and it all started because I stopped focusing on my marriage and what God was saying for us, and started focusing on other people's marriages and what God was saying for them. This is why it's so important to scrap the compare-and-contrast mentality and focus on what God says about your union. No one is quite like you or your spouse and together you make one married ball of uniqueness! Comparison is not worth forfeiting your one-of-a-kind destiny.

My advice? DON'T DO IT!


2)A little leaven leavens the whole lump...
Honestly, I have to say that I was totally blind-sided by the ugliness that could come out of me. I thought I had that whole "love is patient, love is kind" thing down pretty solid... I learned otherwise when I saw how easy it was to snap at Ian when I was aggravated, even if it had nothing to do with him. I would say things that I couldn't believe were coming out of my mouth and do things that I would never have thought I'd ever do. When I asked God what the deal was, He showed me that when you become one with someone, they take on all that you are and everything you have. They are literally an extension of you, so all of those things that were so easy to push down when you were single are no longer able to stay hidden; When you are one with another person, all that you do and don't do now affects them as much as it affects you.

As I've previously mentioned, when you're single you don't have to deal with your problems if you don't want to; it's all too easy to go in your room and shut the door and have no one there to provoke all of your junk to rise to the surface. As an individual person, you don't have to answer to anyone if you don't want to. You can even argue your own brain into denial if you start to see things inside of yourself that you don't like and don't want to address. But when you become one with someone, everything that is yours becomes theirs and suddenly, you can't pretend that your issues don't need to be dealt with because they take a toll on your spouse and hurt them just as much as they hurt you; this is 1 Corinthians 5:6-7 on the micro level.

Talk about motivation to clean house!

I've realized that I have a lot more to work on that I thought. It's like there were things lying dormant, awaiting an "I do" to awaken them, and awaken they did! But thankfully, when a marriage is built on the foundation of God's love, you find the grace to help each other work through these unsightly blemishes on the face of your character and reveal the beautiful redeemed nature of the one you love.


3)Daily servings of humble pie...
Receiving correction from God can be a hard thing. But receiving correction from another imperfect human being is on a whole other level of "hard."

Because of that whole "you can't avoid your issues" thing I mentioned earlier, it's inevitable that your shortcomings are going to show. Sometimes, we don't have the insight or even the courage to deal with them, which is where I've learned your spouse comes in. I believe that just as Jesus refines us through our marriage to Him, our spouse refines us through their marriage to us. God uses them to reveal the things in us that may not be so pretty while also offering us their hand to help wipe off the grime. However, it's so easy to reject their help when you look and see their own grime that needs wiping.

There have been quite a few times when Ian has lovingly pointed out areas that I need to work on and I have quite unlovingly rejected his helpful advances in lieu of his own imperfection. I was quick to throw at him the things that he did wrong instead of simply humbling myself and receiving the truth of what he was speaking.

True humility doesn't reject truth based on someone else's imperfection, but embraces truth based on God's perfection working through them. 


Another major thing that I've learned to humble myself in is that I am not always right. You may be saying, "Well, duh!" but it's not that I never thought I could be wrong, it's that when it comes to the things of God, I've never had to allow anyone else to tell me what God is saying for my own life. As many married coupled can attest to, this changes when you're married: you become a team and it's no longer about your own revelation for your own individual life, but revelation from both about your life as one. For someone like me who is used to a one-on-one relationship with Holy Spirit that involves no one else but the two of us, it can be a hard pill to swallow that God will often speak to my husband about our life together, not just to me.

The old independent and single Hali used to find this notion annoying, even a tad insulting. But now that I've seen the fruit of this, it's a great set-up! Nothing builds trust in your husband quite like seeing that he is hearing from the Lord and wanting to lead you in the right direction.

There are times when Ian would share what he saw and it was contrary to what I felt I was seeing. Pride would rise up and I'd shut him down, because I thought I always know what's best... Clearly, this mentality has a very short shelf life, and I am constantly humbled by how selfish and mistrusting I can be.

Humble pie tastes bitter at first, but leaves a great aftertaste. I plan to keep it as a staple food in my house.



Every day, I'm learning more about myself, my husband, and God. But for now, this is plenty to chew on!


So, what's your take? If you're married, can you testify to any of this? If you're single, does any of this resonate with what you expect of marriage?

I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Blood vs. Water: I know which one is thicker...

"Blood is thicker than water." Whenever I hear someone say this, I can't help but think of those typical story lines of the loyal-to-the-bone son of a family monarch, roughing up the black sheep of the family for betraying the clan by joining forces with someone outside of their namesake.  It's thanks to movies and TV shows like this that I've misunderstood the true meaning of this phrase, entirely.

Even before I knew what it really meant, the explanation of these words never seemed to make much sense. Family is more important than friends simply because of the name you happened to be born under? Relatives deserve more loyalty than companions simply because they don't have the same blood flowing through their veins? This way of thinking just didn't sit right with me.

Last year, we had a guest speaker come to our church and I was pleasantly surprised when he brought up this phrase. I can't say I was shocked by what he said, more relieved, because it confirmed what I had felt:

The original phrase actually reads,
"The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb."

Its origin in a nutshell is that in ancient biblical times, covenants were made in blood. They would literally cut the animal open, together. This was done as a contract or promise, but also to create a lasting bond between two people. This displayed no ordinary friendship, but a connection that transcends the natural and exists in the supernatural realities of our hearts and our spirits. If you were to engage in a blood covenant, you were saying to your companion that you will forever be a part of them and they will forever be a part of you. As per the other part of the saying, the water of the womb speaks of the environment of a mother's uterus which would have been shared by siblings.


This got me thinking about John 15:13 which says, "Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends."

This, of course, is precisely what Jesus did. But why, out of all of the relationships that He could have used as an example of the greatest possible love, did He choose friend? He could have identified it as being between brother and brother, sister and sister, sibling and sibling, parent and child, yet He specifically used the word "friend." Not only this, but scripture also says that we are called not just children or followers, but friends of God.

Why so much emphasis on friendship?

Because while you do not have a choice of who your natural family is, you choose your friends.

Love is only true if it is freely chosen. 

He wanted to be clear that He shared the Father's heart for humanity and was not dying for us out of duty to family (the Father, and humanity as his siblings), but out of love for His friends! He was setting an example for true family: love born from choice, not from duty. I believe this is why Jesus made a point to say that his natural born family is not His family, but those who believe what He says and choose to follow Him are His true brothers and sisters.

Think about it like this: The love a mother has toward her child is built in and instinctual: she does not choose to love her child, it just happens naturally. Likewise, you may think of a child loving their parents: It isn't because they chose to have those particular people as their mother and father, but they love them simply because they are their parents.

But to be a friend to someone? This involves a willful volitional desire and choice to enter into a relationship, a covenant bond.


The sacrifice of Jesus was a blood covenant, not just to bind us as children to the Father, but to invite us into a friendship with Him!


Now, please do not hear what I'm not saying: I'm not say that family is less important than friends, I'm not trying to discredit the strength of family bonds, or even say that the love shared in a family is not real or a permanent connection, but I am pointing out that there is greater intimacy and covenant to be found, even within your earthly family that is greater than the simple matter of shared lineage. While you may have a close relationship with your parents or siblings, "covenants of water" are not enough to bind souls together--Jesus Himself made that abundantly clear in the scriptural instances where He chose His spiritual family over His natural one; there must be blood involved, the sacrifice of Jesus to make a natural family much more than just a natural family, but a spiritual family that shares in the divine life together! The choice to be more than relatives, but friends with them, is where I believe the richness of God's plan for families really lies.



However, I know that not everyone is so fortunate to have that kind of covenant bond among those who are their natural born family. Maybe you have even experienced wounding and estrangement from family members. I want to leave you with encouragement straight from God's word:

"Even if my mother and father abandon me, the Lord will take care of me." (Psalm 27:10)

"A father to the fatherless, defender of widows---this is God in His holy dwelling. He puts the lonely in families..." (Psalm 68:5)

We are beings wired for intimacy, for commitment, for oneness with each other, just as Jesus prayed. I can testify that God has given me spiritual family who are not just mere friends that will come and go, but covenant brothers and sisters in Christ that will always be there to walk with me through the good and bad of life. They are truly "closer than a brother" (Proverbs 18:24), thanks to the greatest blood covenant of all.



The blood of Jesus is much thicker than the water of this world. Now that is a friend we can count on.


<3Hali

What's in a name?

For as long as I can remember, I've been obsessed with names. There's just something about them that intrigues me; The way they sound, the way they're written, what they mean, how they make you feel, what you associate them with, even how adding or taking away one letter can totally change it and create a whole new name, sound, or feel. In elementary school, I would draw pictures of made up characters just so I could name them what I thought fit their appearance or the personality I created for them. Even now as a "grown up," I love looking up names and what they mean, following the ebb and flow of popularity in naming trends, and hearing what people choose to name their babies.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who finds themselves interested in this topic. But what's in a name that makes them so fascinating?

A name is what you're given at birth to be called for the rest of your life. It's what you will sign checks with, put on the bottom of birthday cards, see on your license, get those freebie points with on the SATs, but even more, it is what you exchange with someone when you invite them to know you, and if you don't share it with someone who is pursuing a relationship with you, it leaves something lacking, as if they can't truly know you without it (I'm reminded of all those movies that start with a man encountering a woman who captivates him, and when she leaves without giving him her name, he makes it his mission to find out what it is). I've even noticed it in my own life, that if I see someone all the time and I don't know their name, it drives me crazy. Or if I forget someone's name, it's a horrible feeling, as if I'm forgetting who they are as a person.

What is with this need to know someone's name? I think the reason is our hunger for identity. As humans, we are wired with a need to know who we are at the deepest level and to know others at the most intimate level too, first and foremost by God, then by others.

We are made to know and be known. (1 Corinthians 13:12)


(Side thought: When Moses asked God what His name was, He said "I am what I am" which we shorten to "I am." We never really had God's "real" name to call him by until He put Himself in bodily form and called Himself "Jesus." Just another way God satisfied our need [AND His] to intimately know God through Jesus. ...although we still don't know the Father's "real" name, which I believe He intentionally left as a mystery so our curiosity and desire for adventure would lead us to pursue Him deeper, until we finally are "known [by Him] as we are known.")


In ancient Jewish tradition, people were named based on their personality, something they did, something they were, even what their destiny was. They weren't just named a name, but called something that described them. Some examples of this are: Isaac, which means "he will laugh" because of when his mother, Sarah, laughed at the idea she could be come pregnant at her old age; David, which means "beloved", and whom God proclaimed was a man after His own heart; Delilah, which means "one who weakened" because she weakened the might of Samson; Jesus, which means "God is Salvation," etc. Sometimes, God even changed their name when they encountered Him and had a transformation of heart and realized their purpose and destiny, like Abram to Abraham which means "father of nations"; Jacob to Israel which means "wrestles with God"; Simon to Peter which means "rock." Every name means something more than the letters that form them. They all have a back story.

I firmly believe that while your parents may not have realized it when they decided on what to name you, God is behind the decision and your name means something profound in relation to your identity.

A few years ago, I went on a bit of a journey to discover what my first name meant and was totally blown away with the revelation God gave me. I don't doubt it: He chose my name. 

However, I was never able to find anything substantial on my maiden name. I've tried a few times to do some research, but couldn't find much of anything, other than the fact that it's German. 

But when I walked out of my bedroom this morning and saw Ian's framed coat of arms that I got for him a few birthdays back, I thought about how my name was changed, maybe not in the same way or for the same reason as some of the people mentioned above, but I've taken on a new heritage, nonetheless, and I wanted to find out what that meant for me.

The Walsh family motto is "Transfixus sed non Mortuus" which means, "Transfixed but not dead."

Transfixed is defined as "to render motionless, as with terror, amazement, or awe."

I immediately thought of when John saw Jesus in the book of Revelation and after he described what He looked like, it says that he fell before His feet "as a dead man" (Revelation 1:17).

Transfixed, but not dead. Rendered motionless in awe of God almighty standing before him in all His splendor, yet more alive than ever.

While I have many scriptures that I call my favorite, the one that I have made the aim of my life is Psalm 27:4, "One thing I have asked of the Lord, this I will seek; to dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the Lord's beauty and inquire in His temple."

To be forever transfixed by His beauty.

This has been my heritage from the very beginning, but I always knew that when I got married, it would position me to walk in the fullness of my destiny and my calling even more because God has great purpose on my union. 

And would you believe, that my new last name that I've been grafted in to through marriage, means the very thing God has made me for, the essence of the scripture God has given me to live by. Wow.

God is so personal and deliberate with what He names you, just like He knew what scripture was the cry of my heart and what my married name would be. He really does care about the details and wants us to know our identity and purpose. Not to mention, it isn't just my destiny, but also yours, to live in this transfixed reality, because in beholding God's beauty, we discover ourselves.

So what's in a name? I'm not sure what's in yours, but I bet it's worth finding out.

<3 Hali