It all started with an anchor...

One thing about me: I love tattoos. HOWEVER, I am the most fickle person in the world when it comes to the idea of getting one, so I have always settled for admiring them from afar. About two months ago, whilst on Pinterest (where else?), I realized I was fascinated with nautical tattoos. There was something about them that just grabbed me, something mysterious that I couldn't put my finger on.

I began to see ship helms, compass roses, and particularly anchors, everywhere. 

Just one of the three anchors
I randomly came across in the past couple
of months

And I do mean EVERYWHERE; I randomly came across two huge old anchors on display within the course of a week, not to mention seeing it on clothes, home decor, and even on a dog shirt that a Yorkie was wearing next to me while I was having coffee with a friend and telling her about how I've been seeing anchors, everywhere! (Dogs plus anchors? You got my full attention!)

What does it all mean?! I didn't know, but it was intriguing me. And that was enough to let me know that God was trying to tell me something. (If you know me well or you've read any of my posts, you may know that God speaks to me in puzzle pieces, almost like a treasure hunt to get me to dig deeper and explore.)

While I was seeing anchors everywhere, God was also bringing up an important issue in my life: trust.

...particularly that I didn't trust Him as much as I thought I did.

It was one night at Higher Ground when He dropped the realization on me:

"Hali, you don't really trust me...but guess what? That's okay! Because I designed trust this way: to be earned."

MIND. BLOWN.

I realized that I have a great deal of faith. But like I've always known and never really understood why, faith and trust are not the same. And I knew that while I could stand in faith for ridiculously unbelievable things and actually see them come to pass, there were areas of my life where I didn't actually trust Him. And it was hindering me. 

It is possible for you to have a great deal of faith and very little trust. Why? For a few reasons: For one, the Bible says that faith is a gift. This means that it cannot be mustered up ourselves, but is supernaturally given to us.

Trust on the other hand is something that must be earned through experience. 

Faith is available as a gift to EVERY SINGLE BELIEVER. If you've got Jesus, you've got your very own mustard seed (or more) of faith because it's a packaged deal.

However, not all Christians trust God, because while faith is supernatural, trust is relational. We might believe in God, but do we have intimate communion with Him? I could have faith that a family member loves me and would be there for me if I needed it, but can I really trust them with the deep innerworkings, desires, and secrets of my heart if we don't already have a close relationship established? You cannot have true trust without true relationship.

Normally, I'd be the type to beat myself up for realizing that I didn't trust God very much. But when He told me it was okay and began to show me why, the pressure was off.

See, God doesn't expect us to trust Him without actually experiencing His faithfulness come through for us. God actually set it up so that we had to be in relationship for trust to work. God wants to earn our trust just like any other person needs to earn our trust! Just think of it: an all-powerful being who has everything, made everything, and is everything, actually put the power in our hands to decide if He is trustworthy or not! Crazy!!

In the original Greek, the word for faith means, "divine persuasion" while the word for trust means "persuaded, to be won over." One is persuasion of a divine, supernatural, and spiritual nature, while the other is persuasion of our hearts and minds being won over through experiencing someone keeping their word! (in almost every single instance of that particular Greek word being used in the New Testament, it referred to people being "persuaded" by others appealing to their emotions, intellect, and experience, not being persuaded by an outside force, such as what faith does.)

While faith is in God's hands to give us, trust is in our hands to give God. WOW!!

Now this is just my opinion, but I believe strongly that God values trust much more than faith because faith is a free gift that can be operated in by all, while trust goes a step further into the realms of intimacy with the Father and not all who believe choose to go there. The Word says that without faith it is impossible to please God...but it also says that we are pleasing to God because the Father sees us through the Son who has already fully pleased Him (It's the beauty of the Gospel, that none of it has anything to do with us and our efforts: we're already in by just believing)! So if we are already pleasing to God by a supernatural gift of faith that has nothing to do with us, then how much more must God value it when we go the extra step past believing to intimately knowing? To deep relationship? Something that does have to do with us? Something we have to actively choose to pursue?

Something that is in our possession that we can choose to give to Him or not?

...Just let that sink in for a second.

Another reason we might have faith and not trust is because faith has to do with His power, while trust has to do with His character. We can all easily believe that an all-powerful God is capable of doing anything, but we don't all believe that He will do it. When we don't trust, it's because we aren't sure of His goodness. We aren't always sure of His character and sometimes doubt His love. "I know you can heal me God, but will you actually do it?" "I know you love me, but will you actually give me my heart's desire?"

It is easier to believe in the power of a sovereign God than it is to believe in the unwavering benevolent character of a sovereign God. And this is why so many people that love Jesus never really enter into true trust.

During the time this revelation was brewing within myself, I saw that the same revelation of trust was in the hearts of those around me and even people that came from the outside into our community and I truly believe that this is what God is saying: 

God is pleased with our faith, but He sees that we do not really trust Him. He is calling us somewhere deeper, a place where we learn to trust Him through an intimate and profound personal relationship with Him. He doesn't want us to stop at simply having faith because that will never take us deeper into His heart. He wants a people who are willing to go to the scary place of being completely vulnerable and reliant on Him.

So what does all of this have to do with anchors?

Well, if you're like me, the first scripture that comes to mind about anchors is in Hebrews 6: "....and we have this hope as a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls..."

Hope. That is where all this was going.

I knew that somehow, trust and hope were related.

What's funny is that when we use the word "hope," we're usually using it in reference to a desire: "Oh, I really hope that happens!" "I'm not sure it will, but I sure hope so!"

But the Bible uses the word completely differently: the Greek word for hope actually means "expectancy, joyful and pleasurable anticipation of what is sure or certain." When the Bible talks about hope, it speaks of  awaiting something that you KNOW FOR SURE is going to happen! 

So here's how it all ties together: how can we have real hope if we don't really trust God? 

The only way to have certainty about something coming to pass that He has promised is if we have previously experienced God's faithfulness to come through on His word like He said He would, before.

BAM. 

So what was my area (at least one of them) of trust that needed to be worked on? It might sound silly to you, but it's my birthday. For some reason, almost every year something goes wrong on my birthday and I feel like I just wish the day would be over and done with. I would dread my birthday every year because in my experience, it always resulted in disappointment and let-down. I had seen and been a part of many surprise parties in my circle of friends and the desire of my heart was to be thrown a surprise party, because deep down, everyone wants to be celebrated and lavished with love and appreciation on that day they were born. We all want to know that we are truly cared about and valued. Even though this was my desire, I knew it wasn't going to happen because I was very vocal with Ian and my close friends about wanting one and it wouldn't be a surprise since we talked about it. So I decided that this past Saturday for my 25th birthday, I wanted to plan a big wonderful shindig so it wouldn't be a flop and I wouldn't be left disappointed. 

So when my husband and friends told me they wanted to plan something without my help and wanted it to all be a surprise, I nervously handed over the reigns. "Here's your opportunity to practice what you preach! Trust me with your birthday," God said.

So I did.

And let me tell you, it was NOT easy. My husband and my friends began to exhibit signs that things were not going as planned. They were dropping hints that it wasn't going to be as good as they hoped and that I should keep my expectations down so I wouldn't be totally heart-broken when the desires of my heart didn't pan out. Ian was constantly frustrated and my friends kept telling me that collaborating was not going well. They said that all of their good ideas fell through, that everything was too expensive, and in the week leading up to my birthday, Ian told me that almost nobody was available to do anything to celebrate.

During the weeks that this was going on, my heart was in conflict: Part of me thought that maybe they were really planning a surprise party for me and were just trying to throw me off so I wouldn't know it. After all, that was the biggest desire of my heart and God told me I could trust Him with it. But at the same time, I kept trying to squash those thoughts whenever they arose because I didn't want to put my hope in anything that was not certain, lest it failed and I was left with crushed expectations, again. 

Through it all, I kept feeling God's sly little smirk and Him saying, "Just sit back and relax. I'll come through for you."

On the day of my birthday, I woke up with a totally different attitude. I was content with whatever happened and although everything seemed to be falling apart and the plans they had for my day pretty much fell through, I was still in a great mood. I put my "joyful expectancy" where the Bible says it will never disappoint (solely in Jesus) and enjoyed my day.

As the nighttime came, Ian and I got ready to go over to my friend's house for a dinner that she and her husband cooked for me. They were the only two that ended up being free for my birthday celebration. Pulling up to their apartment, I kept fighting the conflict in my head: "No Hali, do not expect there to be a surprise waiting for you behind their apartment door. It is JUST going to be the four of us. That's it."

We knock on the door, my heart is pounding. The door opens...

SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!

Cue waterworks.

"See Hali? I told you you could trust me. I came through."

All I could do was cry. I couldn't even process the fact that about 15 of my closest friends were all waiting for me, all there to celebrate me and show me how much they love and appreciate me in their lives. 

Me with my three friends
that helped to plan my surprise party.

God earned my trust that night in a big way. He came through for me in the most redemptive way possible and gave me exactly what He knew I needed in order to earn my trust. I felt my trust in Him go to a deeper level because of that...I had entrusted Him with my heart's deepest desire and He had not disappointed me. He won me over.

When it comes to trust, our only role is to allow ourselves to be put in situations where God can come through for us and all we have to do is sit back and watch Him do it. What a wonderful, FREEING revelation!! Now that I have personally experienced God come through for me in an area that I didn't fully trust Him, I know have great hope for what is to come in the future because I am "certain and sure" of His character to make good on His word!

So what's the moral of the story for you, my readers?: If you feel like you don't trust God as much as you want, don't beat yourself up! God designed trust to be earned over time and experience, and guess what? It's all on Him! The pressure is off to please God because He is already pleased! So sit back, relax, allow yourself to be in tough situations, and watch God take it upon Himself to prove just how faithful and trustworthy He is by coming through for you!

<3Hali

P.S. - I recently taught on this topic at Higher Ground and it was much more in-depth. If you would like my notes to assist you in further study, please let me know and I will send them to you! I love to share the wealth! :)

Expectations: Not for the Faint of Heart

I've heard it said, "If you don't have expectations, you won't be disappointed when they're not met." As an optimist and an idealist, I never liked this way of thinking. And honestly, not subscribing to it has always done me good.

But let's get real for a second; it's simply impossible to go through life without experiencing the disappointment of having our hopes dashed at some point, even when we put our hope in the proper place.  So how do we reconcile unmet expectations with a God that says He'll never let us down?

Like any normal female with a dream in her heart would do, I've spent much of my 9 years of knowing my now-husband, fantasizing about my life with him as a married couple. One of my deepest desires was to take him to the place that I grew up, my most favorite place in the entire world. Summer after Summer that he could not go there with me and my family, I would dream of the day when it would happen, conjuring up beautiful mental images of us walking hand-in-hand down the beach, star-gazing at night, sailing on the bay. My heart would literally hurt while I dreamt of the day it would finally become a reality.

After so many years of waiting, I was finally able to bring him with me this year in our first Summer as husband and wife! Could the timing have been any more perfect? I was simply beside myself. Finally my dreams were coming true!

In the week before our trip, God kept bringing to mind the lyrics of the Andrew Ehrenzeller song that I picked to be sung during our wedding ceremony: 

"So I set my love upon you, no expectation, only revelation..."

(Looking back at my 5 months of marriage, the irony and humor of my song choice is not lost on me, but that's another dozen blogs for another time...)

Going into this trip, I had extremely high expectations. After all, I have had years to dream and fantasize, to plan out my perfect scenario for every situation while on this vacation. However, from the moment we woke up to go to the airport, nothing was going the way I had "planned." Dumb little things that went wrong were like fatal blows to my dream. By the time we landed at our destination, I was extremely irate, disappointed, and quite honestly, hurt with God. Ian picked up on it right away and wasted no time reprimanding me in love: 

"Don't let the fact that things aren't going exactly as you thought, steal your joy."

Of course as any heart-sick individual would do at the loss of a perfect plan, I didn't heed his words right away and let a couple of precious days go by feeling upset, let down, and disillusioned as each hour yielded different results than I expected of this long-awaited dream.

"God, don't you tell us to expect great things? Don't you tell us that you're a good Daddy who wants to give us the desires of our heart? What happened, here?!" 

And there it was again, the words sang over my marriage:

"...no expectation, only revelation..."

And then I realized my fault: I put expectation in my own ideas of perfection, rather than putting expectation first and foremost in the character of God to fulfill dreams in His perfection! It's so vital that we don't jump ahead of God, assume that we know how He is going to do something, and then build our hope upon it. That is a sure-fire way to construct a rickety foundation that will crumble under the weight of the slightest disappointment! 

I've heard so many times to "come to God expecting": expect Him to move in a mighty way, expect Him to answer you, expect Him to be there in a time of need, expect Him to show up.

Are these bad things to hope in? Of course, not! But what I've found that I do (and I'm sure I'm not the only one guilty of this) is I will go that teensy little step further and--sometimes unconsciously--put my hope in what I think His methods will be and expect everything to happen just as I imagine. Then when things don't go the way I expected I am left feeling let down, like God didn't come through on what He promised.

"...only revelation." 

What we need is not expectation, but revelation, a.k.a perspective. Perspective to see things as God sees them and not as we see them, perspective to remember that His ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts (Isaiah 55:8), that we must not lean on our own understanding, but trust that He knows what He's doing (Proverbs 3:5-6). It's easy to think that everything has gone wrong when they didn't go the way we wanted them to, but that hardly means God didn't make good on His promise; it means He did it HIS way, not ours, and we should ask for revelation to see beyond what things appear to be on the surface.

Bottom line: We will always risk being disappointed if we are more hopeful in His methods than in His character; His methods are often a mystery and beyond our understanding, but His character is clear and it never changes.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is a tree of life." (Proverbs 13:12) The Hebrew word for "deferred" means "delayed" and the Hebrew word for "fulfilled" is "come, arrive." I finally see this verse in light of Jesus: while we may have to wait while the fulfillment of our dreams is delayed, we will never have to wait for access to Jesus and the fulfillment we can find in Him...it has already arrived! Because of this, our hearts will never be sick and our desire always fulfilled when our hope is exclusively in Him: Not what He can do, will do, or has done in lieu of our heart's desires, but simply in who He is!



In hind sight, the fact that my dream didn't pan out exactly as I had always imagined was a good thing--more than a good thing, it was a great thing. I would not have experienced what I had and realized what I did had things gone any differently. Once I gained revelatory perspective and looked past my expectations, I was able to take joy in my dream, again. I ditched the disappointment and embraced the moment, and while it didn't outwardly appear to be my version of perfect, I chose to enjoy it and it was amazing.



God has known the deepest desires of my heart longer than I have. He was aware of them developing for 9 years and He knew how I longed for their culmination. I am no special case; God sees your heart, as well. Have you been disappointed lately by circumstances taking an unexpected and unwanted turn? Have you had great expectations only to find yourself disillusioned with their outcome? Release your expectations and receive His revelation! Putting hope in Him will not disappoint.



"And this hope will not lead to disappointment..." - Romans 5:5



<3 Hali