Ceilings, Floors, and Relay Batons

Great. There goes my blood again: boiling because someone said it. 

That dreaded phrase that ignites a defiant fire in me every time I hear it proclaimed with such annoying gusto...

"Our ceiling is their floor!"

There I sat, part of "The Forgotten 20-Somethings," listening to someone YET AGAIN praising the youth as the generation that's going to change the world, that it'll be OUR backs they stand on to reach the goal. As I crossed my arms and seethed angrily in my seat, I prayed that the retorts racing through my head would stay safely barricaded there and not burst forth in front of the entire congregation;

"...And what am I? Damaged goods? Too old? WHAT IF I DON'T WANT A DANG CEILING?!"

In 2007 when I met the Lord in earnest and immersed myself in supernatural culture, I had just exited the glorified teenage years and found myself as a member of the all-too-often overlooked "young adult" crowd. People always marvel over a kid who is experiencing the supernatural wonders of God, and revere the adults with families and children. But what about us college (or non-school-going) aged people in our 20's, just beginning to enter "the real world" that's a lot less glamorous than a Christian-raised homeschooler giving prophetic words (I'm not in the slightest bit against that, by the way!), or a well-established married couple with two kids and another on the way? I learned pretty quickly that mine was an age demographic usually treated like an afterthought, as if no one really knows what to do with us so we're left to carve a place out for ourselves in the shadow of the children's and youth ministries.

Fast forward a few years, and God was beginning to gingerly lead me away from young adult ministry (which, by the way, was much better than at my previous church), and down my next path. 

...And the irony was that I knew He was setting me up to work with the youth. 

From the very first moment I felt Him nudging me in that direction, the anger began to flare. I couldn't escape that demeaning phrase, imagery that further poked at my raw wounds from previous ministry experiences.

I would listen to different speakers raving about how massively anointed and special the kids in the church were, thinking to myself,

"Why are they seen as more powerful just because they're younger?

Why can't I change the world just as much?

And most importantly, WHY do I have to have a ceiling for them to walk on?!"

I didn't fully make peace with that awful phrase, but God did settle within me that mentoring the next generation didn't require me to somehow trade in living an exciting supernatural life so they could somehow get more than me. And since then, it's been just under 2 years that I've been happily working in youth ministry and loving every second...

However.

Recently, that bitterness and resentment snuck back up on me and pounced when I was most unaware, and that stupid phrase came back to haunt me, because...

DUN DUN DUN......

There's a new wave of teenagers and 20-somethings taking our place and experiencing the Presence of God and all the supernatural fun stuff that entails!

At first, I thought it was really beautiful and I was really excited about it; all of them congregating in mine and my friends' old spot on the left side of the stage like we did for years which caused the pastor to affectionately refer to the far left section of the church as the place where "The Crazies" sat; hungrily occupying the front rows just like we did, eagerly praying for the sick at the end of every service just like we always used to do, having weekly "bible studies" together, which are really just crazy Holy Spirit encounter nights.

But then it hit me: My life doesn't look like that, anymore. 

That initial joy in seeing the next wave of young people step into what I had walked in, began to transform into resentment and disappointment when I took a trip down memory lane and looked back in my journals from 6+ years ago; I read entry after entry chronicling the crazy supernatural adventures my friends and I would take, whether it was going up to strangers in the streets and seeing illnesses healed as we prayed, or finding our hands covered in gold dust during worship, and all manner of other crazy Holy Spirit encounters. Instead of being encouraged, I felt like I shrunk ten sizes...

...What happened to me?

Where was this girl who used to roll around laughing on the floor during worship? 

This girl whose idea of a fun Friday night was going out on a "treasure hunt" with friends to find some people to pray for?

Where in the world did she go?!

Feeling utterly deflated and terribly ordinary, that awful taunting phrase began to ring in my ears with a horrible new meaning attached:

"Our ceiling is their floor!"  

I knew I was bitter. I was well aware. And this time instead of stewing in it, I wanted to rip that sucker out once and for all.

"God, I HATE that phrase!" I complained loudly to Him, while driving one day. 

In His goodness, He replied immediately and I saw a very clear picture and suddenly, I had my answer to silent that phrase that irked me so much:

Christianity is not a multi-level building filled with people

on an infinite number of sealed-off floors...

It is a relay race! 

The thing about relay races is that no member is more vital than the other. It's a team effort and without everyone ready to run when it's their time, the game cannot be won and the entire team loses.

I'm not dumb; I knew it was a lie that somehow the younger generation was more important or more valuable than me, but it was hard to shake that when I'd already been hurt, and now a well-meaning, but poorly-worded mantra says that there's a cap on how high I can go, that eventually I'll hit a "ceiling" that only someone younger than me can surpass.  

When I did a little research on how relay races work, I learned that often the slowest member of the team will go first. Before I was tempted to be offended that perhaps God was eluding to the fact that I was the slowest team member, He reminded me of icebreaker ships: they are massive vessels with steel hulls that cut through thick layers of ocean ice, moving at a slow and steady pace.

...Are they somehow less important because they're slower? NO! If not for the icebreakers moving slowly but with force and clearing away the ice, the smaller ships wouldn't be able to move freely and quickly through the water. They aren't slow because they're weak ships, they're slow because they're big and strong!

And I realized... I was that icebreaker. That place in the left corner of the church where the new wave of young people who are getting blasted with the presence of God congregate, is the same patch of carpet stained with years of my tears and snot from my own encounters with Him. It's the same place I laid on the floor with friends, enraptured in holy laughter that kept us from standing upright. It's the same place I sat with my journal opened as I got download after download of revelation. The same spot my friends and I prayed for people and saw their legs grow, and sickness leave, and metal pins leave their bones. 

They can experience this now at a younger age and with more ease because of the icebreakers who went before them and cleared a way!

Now please, don't hear what I'm NOT saying: I am in NO WAY insinuating it's all because of me, or all because of my particular community of friends, or that these kids didn't have their own struggles to persevere through. I FULLY honor and acknowledge those who went before me, those who pressed in for breakthrough so that I could walk in and experience breakthrough, myself. And I acknowledge that every young person has their own story. But what I am saying is that we are all icebreakers for SOMETHING and SOMEONE. We are ALL in this relay race, and we all have a moment of running with the baton, and a moment of passing it off to the next runner. 

So where does that leave me to answer my earlier question of "Where did that girl go?"

Well, that's simple: I'm resting while someone else runs with the baton. I won't belabor this topic because it's been spoken on so many times and we all understand the reference, but this is about the time God began to remind me about SEASONS:

That girl who loved to dance around in church like a fool didn't leave; she's in a different season. She no longer lives with her parents, where her only responsibility was cleaning her room and paying her phone bill. She no longer has the time to stay up til 4am with friends on weeknights, praying and getting wasted in the Presence of God. She now has a husband and a house, a mortgage to pay and responsibilities to tend to. This is not bad, and it doesn't mean I've "peaked." I haven't hit a ceiling. I've simply stepped into a new place that looks different, but lacks nothing good because with God, it's IMPOSSIBLE to go backwards in His glory!

(( I believe this all ties in with comparison, that nasty thief of joy, but that's a whole other topic for another time --in fact, my good friend Ayse wrote an awesome blog post about it, which you can read right here. It's written for a mother's perspective, but you don't need to be a mom to relate! ))

The best part of this revelation is the fact that as I was realizing this, some of those very youth expressed their enormous honor and gratitude for the road my peers and I walked before them to make their way with God possible. WOW!! Talk about humbling!!

So what, now? What do I do with that silly little phrase? Not going to lie, it still irritates me, but I have a different understanding.

I might not be in a season where everyone can see God making a spectacle of my encounters with Him, but that hardly means I'm no longer moving upward! Right now, I'm grateful to be cheering on the runners as they grip the batons and dash faster than I did during my turn. I can do this gladly with no fear that I'll bump my head on this metaphorical ceiling, because guess what? I've decided that I don't have one. The only person who can put a cap on me is myself, and you couldn't pay me to do it. 


Seasons come and go, but they can only bring you forward, not back. I no longer have to be disappointed when they look different. I no longer have to be resentful or bitter when someone enters into one that I've left. I can embrace the season I'm in without fear of losing a piece of myself, because they build one upon another. Nothing is lost, and nothing is wasted. 

So if you've got that baton, run! If you're passing it off and assuming a different function for the team, embrace it! 

No matter your role, no matter your season, don't forget that it matters and you're vital to a team victory.



Peace out, ceiling!  

Lessons from an Unruly Pooch

You'd  think that as the completely dog-obsessed pup lover that I am, it would have occurred to me sooner that my love for dogs is much deeper than just the endorphin rush I get by seeing their cute little tails wag, begging for my attention when I see them. Apparently, there's a lot of wisdom waiting to be uncovered in the world of a dog.

And today, I got a very good lesson, thanks to 3 unruly dogs in a mansion.


I recently got a job as a pet sitter, where I have the bittersweet pleasure of being responsible for other people's pampered pooches and million dollar homes while they are out of town (no pressure, or anything...).

Last night was my first night on the job in a huge house with 3 dogs who not only aren't the most well-trained of doggies, but came with an encyclopedia of instructions from their very sweet, but "particular" owner...not to mention, the downstairs is furnished with nanny cams. Needless to say, I was a little nervous. I made a plethora of tiny errors that aren't that serious, but seemed catastrophically embarrassing to me, knowing I was being closely monitored (there's a lesson about intimidation in there, somewhere...).

As the night wore on, the combination of feeling like a deer in headlights, knowing I'm on camera, and the eery sensation of staying in a stranger's home with 3 dogs that don't know me very well, began to mount upon me. I was fighting thoughts of paranoia ranging from someone breaking in and killing me, to one of the dogs suddenly having a mental break and biting me in the face (I've been bitten in the face twice when I was younger, just missing my eye...it's a wonder I love them so much!).

Fear flooded my chest and though I tried to sleep, I couldn't slow my pulse enough to get any slumber; I could feel anxiety in liquid form, poisoning my body and making my heart race as it pumped through my veins. Because my dad died of a heart attack when I was young, the fear of death due to my heart stopping will come against me from time to time, and my elevated heart rate made this night one of those times.

Basically, the enemy was having a field day with me, preying on my every fear. 

It was a rough night...

Which turned into a rough morning.

Instead of sharing what I did wrong, how about I just say, what didn't I do wrong? The worst of which was forgetting to disarm the alarm before letting the dogs out into the backyard, which set it off and made the cops show up.

Yeah. Not that great of a way to start your day.

Anyway, I promise there's a point to this pathetic story...


When I got home, I just cried to my husband about how stupid I felt, and how paranoid I was that my body was reacting the way it was. He understood, as he is going through his own physical symptoms related to our unhealthy lifestyles as of late.

I finally got a few hours of rest, but when I woke up I didn't feel much better. I knew I just had to go to Jesus and it would all be removed, but I was guiltily aware of my shortcomings and was mentally counting all the ways I screwed up that week. I felt a sense of unworthiness to come to Him after I had been pushing Him away in fear of being punished for all the stupid decisions I had recently made.

But as soon as I chose to let all of that go and fall back into His arms, something comically wonderful happened...He kicked me.


Yes, kicked.


How about a little bit of context?

I've been watching a ton of "The Dog Whisperer," lately (if you haven't seen it, do yourself a favor and watch an episode or two, if not for educational purposes, just for the sake of being amused). This man is a genius and will completely rewire the way you think about dog behavior and the way we should interact with them.

Anyway, one of the things he does is rehabilitate dogs who are marked as dangerous, or "beyond help," simply by teaching the owners how dogs actually think. Most of the dogs on this show are canines that get completely out of control and either walk YOU on the leash, or get aggressive towards people while outside in the neighborhood.

Cesar Milan uses this one simple trick that works 100% of the time: if he sees a dog beginning to get tense and full of nervous energy, he will give it a tiny tap on the butt that resembles a kick. Immediately, it snaps the dog out of its anxious state and redirects his energy toward him.

Suddenly, the dog is reminded that the person on the other end of the leash should be his focus, that this person is calm and trustworthy and will protect him, not the other way around, and he has no reason to be anxious.

Starting to see where I'm going with this?


I laughed in my bed after feeling Holy Spirit giving me a swift little tap. It jolted me out of my fear, my anxiety, and put my focus back on Him. Glorious peace!


Many Christians struggle with the idea that God inflicts pain in order to punish us when we mess up. Surely someone walking by Cesar Milan as he gives a dog a swift tap on the butt with his foot would assume he was hurting the dog as a means to punish bad behavior, and would probably cry "animal cruelty." But in reality, it's just a gentle but firm "tap" that the dog actually responds to positively! The anxiety I was experiencing, the weird feelings in my chest, these were not God inflicting pain in order to punish me for the overflow of mistakes I had made that week, but giving me a slight "tap," letting me know that I was going down the wrong path and He loved me too much to see me go any further.

Proverbs 3:11-12 says, "My son, do not despise the Lord's discipline, and do not resent his rebuke. For the Lord corrects those He loves, just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights."

Three different Hebrew words are used in this situation for discipline, rebuke, and correct, and none of them have to do with inflicting pain for punishment. In fact, they all refer to instruction and learning. Some translations even use the words "warning." God will always give us a warning if we are veering off track. The most common way we veer off track (and what I was doing), is taking our eyes off of Him.

Just like the dogs who begin to get anxious and disobedient when their focus is on external circumstances, we open the door for fear and anxiety the moment we choose to take our eyes off of Jesus. I would not have had such a rough night if I had firmly fixed my eyes on Him. If I had chosen to look to Him to protect me from everything swirling around me in this strange place I found myself, I would have slept like a baby.

The kingdom really is easy enough for a child like me to understand! Oh, and dogs, too...ah, the foolish things of this world! Gotta love the way God works. :)


The next time you're experiencing fear and anxiety --and who doesn't from time to time?-- just remember who holds the leash. Put your eyes back on Him and let everything else fade away. You can trust Him to walk you on the right path and protect you from every external circumstance as you go. He's got a firm trustworthy grip on our lives so we don't have to pull so hard that we choke.

We can just walk alongside our Master and receive peace as our portion.

I've got a feeling tonight in that huge house is going to be a lot better this time around.

Growing up is for Grown-ups

It's the first day of February, and my Christmas tree is still up.

Ironically, this is helping me to realize that somewhere along the way through 2013, I started to become a grown-up. Why? Because it's actually starting to really bother me that it's still there. Don't let my comments of "Why take it down if it's still looking healthy and green?" fool you: it may have been true last year, but this time around I'm saying that to avoid admitting the dreadful truth to myself:

I'm actually really, truly, undoubtedly, unavoidably, becoming an adult. 

And what's even scarier to admit is that it isn't actually as bad as I always believed it would be.

I spent the entirety of my life vehemently denying that I would ever grow up, claiming everything from "I can just stay like this forever and it's fine," to "being a grown-up is boring and burdensome."

And don't even get me started on using the word "woman" to describe myself....eeeesh! That's like a curse word, in my vocabulary!

But something about turning 25 last April (how annoyingly cliché) triggered that "thing" that I always scoffingly denied would ever be triggered in me, and I found myself waking up one morning with the unavoidable knowledge that I wasn't a little girl, anymore...and maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought.


I see people the same age as me, or around the same age, who seem to have their whole lives figured out according to what the unwritten rules of society say you should do/have done by this stage of life, and to be honest, instead of making me jealous, it has always made me want to vomit; people I went to high school with buying houses, having babies, settled into a job that they undoubtedly plan to stay at until they croak. All the more reason to stay a kid, forever! That life is so booooooooooring!

While I know there's something intrinsically purposeful to why I've always felt that way, I'm beginning to see that a lot of that perception was based in fear; Fear that if I grow up, I'm going to inevitably become all the things that I hate.

It's been a process, but what God has begun to show me this past year is that growing up does not need to look like the status quo. It's not equivalent to a white-picket fence, or wearing stuffy clothing, or living and dying in a 9 to 5 that leaves no room to actually live.

"Growing up" is realizing and acting on your potential to make your dreams a reality. 

...doesn't sound all that awful, anymore.


In the past year, I took a bunch of scary "big girl" steps that put me out of my comfort zone and at times, made me feel more overwhelmed and directionless than ever before. Not only that, but I'm sure that from the perspective of an outsider, it looked completely immature and foolish. Yet, it's led me to a place where I am being less childish than I've ever been, and taking risks that I never thought I'd take, all in the name of believing that I have the potential to live out the dreams God has placed in my heart. And I gotta admit, it's pretty exciting!


I believe that God is up to something in the church, and it's all about balance. Balance between two extremes, between the Type-A and the Type-B, between the Martha and the Mary.

Because more than anything, I think that true maturity is found in balancing the very necessary two extremes. And if Jesus is coming back for a bride who is a woman and not a girl, then you bet I want to be a grown-up!

In light of this, suddenly buying myself some makeup and trading in loud colorful patterns for a black leather jacket (courtesty of my wonderful husband who jokes that I won't be shopping at Limited Too, anymore) feels less like dress-up and more like me, and believing that I have what it takes to start and sustain my own business is more of a truth than a laughable fantasy. Little by little I'm making peace with those "pesky Type-A traits," that I hated so much, because I realize that without them, I'll have no framework to live out my dreams (who can travel the world at the drop of a hat if they never have clean laundry ready to pack?).

So maybe I will finally take down my Christmas tree tomorrow, or maybe I'll find some other excuse to leave it for another time. All I know is that luckily, God delights in the process of helping me grow up, and if it remains Christmas in that corner of my living room a little longer, at least I'm finding myself saying what my mother would say if she knew it was still up in February.

That's gotta count for something, right?

Trust Fall

A few weeks ago, I nervously approached my parents after a day of work and informed them that I was leaving my job with the family business after 10 years, without any idea what I was going to do, next.

If you had told me in the beginning of the year that I would be doing something so rash, I probably would have laughed nervously because on some level I knew that's what it would come down to, but would have quickly changed the subject or ran away to avoid talking and even thinking about it.

That's where I was at: fully and utterly afraid of the unknown. In fact, I never realized how much fear I dealt with until God began to poke at my heart months and months ago, telling me it was time to leave.


So what would drive someone as loyal and routine-loving as myself to leave the security of a long-time family job without having another job in place and zero clue what I even wanted to do, next? How about we talk about what DIDN'T drive me to do it in the first place...


My history with God always seemed to follow the formula of:
1)He shows me what's next,
2)I wait for His perfect timing,
3)then I do it.

So when I began to feel that this was my last year at the job, I expected the tried-and-true formula to work in this situation. I began to ask God to show me what was next, but the most peculiar thing happened: I was getting NOTHING. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Not even a faint glimmer of an idea! It was the weirdest thing. Like my brain hit a wall over and over again when I even tried to brainstorm career ideas.

Stubbornly not accepting that perhaps God wasn't going to fit into my convenient little formula this time, I would take a breather and resolved to come back to Him with the same prayer request another day. Surely He will answer me and tell me exactly what to do! Maybe it just wasn't time, yet.

Months went by with the same frustrating results. I'd ask what's next and all I'd get was a resounding silence and the mounting feeling in my spirit of a total discontent to stay where I am at.

What I wasn't realizing was I did, in fact, get my answer every time I asked. I just didn't see it that way.

Until a couple months ago...

I was driving in my car and the same old dead-end litany of frustrated prayers and questions were going through my head when I said, "Okay God...for REAL this time. Please please PLEASE for the love of You, tell me what I'm supposed to do!" As I flipped on the radio and channel surfed, I heard, in the brief moments before moving on to the next channel, a man preaching about the story of Abraham:

"We always want God to tell us what's coming before we move, 

but sometimes, God is telling us to trust Him and go 

before we even have an idea of where He's taking us, 

just like He did with Abraham."

You can guess how quickly I changed the station and said, "Nope! That was NOT for me...."

That's the moment I realized: I had more fear than I ever knew, and I saw once again how little I trusted God. GOOD GRIEF, does that never stop?!



Because God is comical and likes to see us squirm sometimes, at the end of a church service one night, my friend who didn't know what was going on in my heart, came up to me and completely randomly and out of nowhere said, "Hey, let's do a trust fall! You fall back and I'll catch you!" I was so taken off guard and slightly frazzled by the way God was so blatantly going after my issue of fear, that I didn't know how to respond, right away. However, she was so insistent that I finally agreed. The first time I fell back, I freaked out at the last moment and caught myself before falling all the way. "You didn't trust me!" my friend said, jokingly, but gently as well, to the point where it almost made me feel bad. We did it again, and that time, I just let go. In that split iota of a second where fear engulfed me as my body lost control, I chose to let it happen instead of choosing to take it upon myself to be my own savior.

Sorry to disappoint anyone looking for a painfully awkward ending to this story, but my friend did catch me. "See? I told you you could trust me!" she said.

I walked out of church after that feeling a little rattled. I knew what it all meant. How could I not see the obvious? "Alright, God," I said. "I guess this year is all about trust, isn't it?" Although I acknowledged what God was up to, I didn't want to fully embrace it, just yet.


While I had somewhat come to terms with the fact that I was going to have to quit sooner than later, I tried desperately for the weeks that followed to ignore not only what I knew I needed to do, but dealing with the larger issue at hand: I was totally and utterly crippled by fear.

Eventually, I could no longer run away from it and, with the aid of a dear friend helping me to verbally process what I had stuffed down into the deep recesses of myself, admitted that I was scared; Scared of the unknown, scared of God not providing...

Basically, I still didn't fully trust Him. Apparently, writing this previous blog about trust didn't qualify me to clep out of the upper level trust courses in Jesus University. How annoying...

By the end of our conversation, I had finally stopped fighting the inevitable and dropped the denial: I needed to step out in faith and quit my job without having a clue as to where I'd go, next. That odd paradoxical peace of the upside-down kingdom I'm a member of, flooded me as I looked ahead into a daunting dark abyss of everything unknown to me that I was about to step into. I'll never cease to be amazed at how wrong it all appears, but how right it really is to walk by faith.


Of course I never seal a decision without asking God to first confirm that I was really doing the right thing, and talking it over with my husband as well. I mean, this is a BIG decision; it's not like I was picking out my outfit for the day. So I asked God to do what He usually does and send some crazy stamp of approval my way.

That night as I laid in bed contemplating what was ahead for me, I realized something rather funny: this was my tenth year working with my parents, my tenth year knowing God, my tenth year knowing Ian, the tenth birthday of my church, I was about to start a ten-day juice fast the following day, and my deadline to leave my job is October...the tenth month of the year (Oh, and pumpkin spice lattes' 10th anniversary, although that isn't significant, just cool, haha).

HELLO. The girl to whom God speaks through numbers just hit the "confirmation motherload." Clearly, this warranted some looking into! I got right on the internet and looked up the meaning of the number 10. The first article I pulled up totally knocked my socks off:

Heavily paraphrased, it said that the main meaning of the number 10 and the month of October is that it signifies the time to step out and make life-changing decisions, leaving old situations for new and better-suited ones, finally making time to explore your true dreams and passions and figure out your purpose, to take charge of your life and refuse to stay where you have been comfortable for too long, and for things that have been hanging in the air for a long time to finally come to a resolution. "October is the month for new beginnings and forging forward!"

If that wasn't crazy enough, it literally went on to say, "Some people will be looking for confirmation of their life paths and will follow their callings and life missions and purposes, in October." Talk about a straight-up answer!


I went to bed that night still a little nervous, but finally at peace with a real decision.

Just a few days after all of this happened, I told my parents I was leaving.



A few Sunday nights ago, someone gave a word in church about baby eagles. She shared that when they're old enough to begin to learn to fly, the mother eagle makes the formerly cozy nest extremely uncomfortable so they will have no choice but be forced to leave the nest and learn to use their wings, whether they want to or not. I know that I am that baby eagle and I needed God to make my "nest" super uncomfortable or I would never try to fly.

Being too comfortable where we are can make us so complacent that we have no incentive to run after our dreams. Some of us need a twig from our nests to poke us in the butt to make us realize we will never reach our full potential if we don't do something drastic and uncomfortable, and even a little bit scary.

God wants us to take risks. No one ever lived out their full destiny by staying in their comfort zone.   My job was comfortable: steady hours, good pay, reliable and constant work with people I know extremely well. But "comfortable" rarely promotes exploration of ourselves.


We can choose to see the unknown as something to fear, or something to celebrate. Some days are harder than others to have the right perspective when I wonder how we are going to pay the bills or put gas in our cars when I'll no longer have a paycheck to contribute, but I am beginning to see more and more with each passing day that this is the perfect excuse for an adventure. It's something to get excited about, not something to get worried about!

And luckily, I am not in this alone: I have my amazing husband who fully supports my decision and is also learning to trust God in the scary place of not knowing what's ahead for either of us. Being in this together makes it even more frightening or more thrilling, depending on how well I'm keeping my eyes focused on Jesus that day ;-p


Since stepping out in faith and making a scary decision final, I am amazed at how God has come around me to remind me that I'm doing the right thing, as crazy as it looks. It seems like people are coming from every angle talking about trust, ever since I decided to leave my job. When the fear tries to creep in, God is quick to machete that junk to the ground!

My last day of work is approaching in exactly a week from today and I still have no clue what is next for me, but if God has proven one thing, it's that He is faithful and I can fully trust Him.


If He asks me to fall backwards, I know without a shadow of a doubt that He is going to catch me.

I just have to let Him.

Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

wherever You would call me...

Adventures in Juicing: My Victorious Journey of a 10-day Cleanse

So, this feels rather odd; This is obviously not a health/nutrition blog and I am clearly no authority on eating healthy, yet here I find myself writing a very out-of-place entry about how my husband and I miraculously went 10 days without chewing and swallowing solid food and instead drank nothing but the juice of fruit and vegetables.

So many people have been asking me questions about the fast and I figured, what the hay? Why not write a blog about my experience?

(DISCLAIMER: I am by no means a certified health professional, nor was I monitored by a doctor while on this detox. Follow in my footsteps at your own risk, or get with a doctor first to make sure you are physically able to do a juice cleanse safely and healthily. You have been warned!!)

So here it is: I, Hali Rose Walsh, drank more fruits and veggies in ten days than I've probably ever actually eaten in my lifetime, and here is my story...

WHY WE DID IT...

Most couples will tell you that when you get hitched, the weight starts to pile itself on. As predicted, Ian and I have both been steadily gaining weight for the past year and a half of marriage. In the beginning of this year, we finally got fed up with our lifestyle of eating garbage, and started on our beloved Paleo Diet. We stuck to it pretty strictly and began to lose weight and felt much better, but we quickly derailed when we went on a cruise for our 1-year-anniversary and never quite got back up, falling into the trap of giving into cravings, laziness and poor meal planning, finding ourselves frequenting McDonald's and Taco Bell instead of cooking at home. 

A few weeks ago, we reached our breaking point. Not only was it depressing to find that none of our clothes fit us anymore, but we were sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, and were finally ready to make a total lifestyle change that would stick. It wasn't until about a month ago that we both (without knowing the other person was thinking the same thing) started to think about what we had heard about the health benefits of juicing. When I told Ian I had been contemplating juicing as part of our everyday diet, he excitedly told me that he had too, and I posted an ad on the church's Facebook asking around for a juicer. Thankfully, a lovely lady from church came forward and said that we could have her virtually new juicer because it was just sitting her in garage, having only been used twice. Score!

Ian ended up finding a documentary on Netflix called "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead" and that's what put the nail in the proverbial juicing coffin; It was the motivation we needed to start it. It was time to do this thing!

Aside from losing weight, we wanted to detox our bodies from all the crap we've put into it over the years. We were also hoping our taste buds would change so we would no longer crave the nasty, greasy, sugary, over-salted, hormone and antibiotic-filled foods which we had grown accustomed to eating, and would instead crave every manner of healthy food that had previously been only a minute part of our diet. We also wanted our bodies to be more energized so we wouldn't have to search too hard for the motivation to exercise or even go about a regular day's activities. Ian also had a few habits and health issues that he wanted to kick once and for all, namely smoking cigarettes. 

PRE-FAST PREP...

Upon deciding we were going to do a juice fast/cleanse/detox (whichever name you prefer), we found the website that the man who made and starred in the above documentary created to help people with juice fasting and changing their lifestyle (you can find it here).  He calls it a "Reboot" for your body, as it works to clean out your system and bring it back to its most natural state so you are ready to embark on a new diet. He suggests that you do a prep phase in which you take the few days before launching into a full-blown fast to begin to cut things out of your diet that would make stopping them cold turkey harder (caffeine, processed foods, and sweets) and to begin to incorporate juicing into your normal routine by meal supplementing two meals a day with juice. 

To be perfectly honest, even after watching the documentary, I wasn't so sure I actually wanted to do a full-on juice fast and thought that simply juicing for a meal or two a day would suffice in helping to change my lifestyle. Ian however, my lovely "all in or all out" husband, was ready to dive head first into a 10 day fast. By the time he was done doing five days of prep and I had only done two with no clear intention to do a fast, he informed me the night before beginning that it was his last meal before doing the detox and if I was really serious about losing weight and creating a clean slate to start a new life, I should do it, too.

To say that I went into it totally excited would most certainly be a lie; it's one thing to give up food you shouldn't be eating, but it's quite another to give up food entirely AND have to drink/eat something you really dislike for all your meals spanning ten days. But I was SO over the way that I looked and felt day-to-day that I decided to try it. I told Ian that I would aim for five days and see how I felt, and if I wanted to continue for the entirety, then I would.

Another important part of the preparation process was figuring out where, what, and how to buy our produce, although that process of "figuring that out" bled into the first couple of days of our fast, anyway.

Beets and apples, ready to juice!

We chose to do entirely organic with no conventional produce because we wanted to get the absolute most out of this detox and buying fruits and vegetables that are non-GMO and pesticide free is definitely taking advantage of that. It quickly became clear that Ian was much better at doing all of the shopping, so he took that role for the entire fast. I was concerned about how much money we'd be spending, but was pleasantly surprised when Ian crunched some numbers and found out that with a combination of shopping at Whole Foods and a local farmer's market, we were able to find everything we needed for basically the same amount of money that we would spend on food for the two of us, anyway. That was good news for our wallet! (We probably would have saved even more money if we didn't buy all organic produce, but it was worth the few extra bucks each time, in our opinions).

AND WE'RE OFF...

Day 1 - 3

All sources say that the first few days are the hardest. Half true for me, very true for Ian. Because Ian had been doing 5 days of prep and I had only done 2, his body was already ahead of mine. He started to exhibit signs of detox earlier than me: runny nose, coughing, sneezing, aching throughout his body,  inability to sleep, basically flu-like symptoms. For me, the first day was surprisingly easy. I experienced some shakiness at the end of the day and a slight headache, but nothing unmanageable. I also found that after each juice, I was actually full! I didn't become hungry again until about four hours after each meal which is pretty normal with solid food, anyway. I felt energized right out of the gate, thanks to my naturally sugary juice in the morning, and didn't get tired as the day wore on.

I will say though, that I realized VERY early on that I do NOT like the taste of kale!! Some people love it, some people don't mind it, but then there are those, like me, who find it absolutely disgusting. I thought that maybe I hate it because I'm not used it, and hoped that gradually throughout the detox, my taste buds would change and I would find myself enjoying it. Either way, I anticipated some rough lunches and dinners ahead of me!

The first few days we became very aware of just how MENTAL food cravings are! I wouldn't even be hungry, but would find myself wanting food "just because." I realized how much of my subconscious revolved around food and how much of my time and energy I put into contemplating it, even if I didn't know I was doing it! I definitely had not been eating to live, but living to eat! 

Of course it wasn't all mental...Ian and I both found ourselves craving and dreaming about eating (literally, actually!). I kept thinking about a big juicy cheeseburger and he kept saying he couldn't wait to eat pizza, again. Our sense of smell was unbelievably sensitive and I remember someone eating a chicken salad and that smelled like heaven, whereas before I wouldn't even think twice about a salad being that desirable! Smelling food being cooked around us was tough to deal with when we had a big cup of green slop in front of us to suck down. (Although to be fair, Ian really liked the green drink that we had to have for both lunch and dinner, everyday. To that I have to say, "Weirdo!")

Another cool thing that happened very early on was our spiritual sensitivity was extremely heightened! I would simply hear a song on the radio about Jesus and just start crying because His presence in my car was so strong. When I told Ian that, he started laughing because he was experiencing the same thing! There's so much I can say about the amazing benefits of taking your flesh out of the equation through fasting and being able to tune into God more, but for the sake of the post I'll just point out how even this kind of fasting was different than other fasting I'd done because it isn't just about depriving your body of your favorite foods, but about cleaning it out from all the toxins that affect you everyday without realizing it. Definitely a plus!

According to the "literature," you can lose up to 10 pounds of water weight within the first 3 days. Ian and I decided not to weigh ourselves (although now for curiosity's sake, I wish we had) because our goal was to feel and look good and we didn't want to get hung up on a number, so I can't say for sure that we each lost that much weight in the first 3 days, but I can tell you that I definitely FELT like I dropped a lot of water weight. On day 3, Ian commented on how my face already looked thinner and the puffiness I always seemed to have under my eyes was completely gone! Likewise, Ian's pants were already starting to get a little looser and a little baggier.

Day 4 - 6

As Ian came out of his time of detox and looked all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, I entered into my time of detox: clogged nose, coughing, sneezing, weakness, sore throat, you get the idea. It wasn't fun, but I noticed something great happening: I no longer craved food! I was almost completely unaffected; I didn't even want it! I would see people eating things in front of me that I would normally go crazy for, and even imagining eating it with them made my stomach turn a little bit. I hated my green kale juice, but I surprisingly found myself not even mentally able to give it up for solid food. The desire to eat just wasn't there!

On top of just not really wanting to eat, I felt my body and my taste buds changing. Don't get me wrong, the kale still tasted NAS-T, but suddenly the carrots were irresistibly sweet and the cucumbers satisfied my body's craving for green veggies. A totally weird, but welcome change! In fact, our bodies were changing so much that a few days into it, we allowed ourselves to have our first "dessert juice" which contained a peach, half a sweet potato, an apple, a handful of blueberries, and a dash of cinnamon, and we felt like we just ate the most decadent dessert in the entire world! It's amazing how your body will respond to even the smallest amount of natural sugar after taking away all the refined crap!

Orange, carrot, and beet juice. One of the yummier
juices for the morning.

Day 5 came and I vaguely remembered saying that I was only going to do 5 days unless I felt like continuing on, and I laughed to myself how at this point, it wasn't even a question of whether I would continue on or not...of course I would! Like I said, I didn't even WANT to eat, anymore.

At this point in the detox, something totally wonderful happened: Ian no longer craved cigarettes!!! MIRACLE OF MIRACLES!!! My husband didn't want to smoke!! He had tried smoking some cigarettes at the very beginning, but his body was so adamant about ridding itself of toxins that not only did they begin to taste bad to him, but his physiology rejected the poisons he was inhaling so intensely that it burned his throat and lungs and made him physically unable to continue smoking! This is a BIG BIG DEAL because he's been smoking since he was 14 and has never been able to really quit for longer that a few weeks at a time. He started using e-cigarettes to supplement for the oral fixation and that was that. THANKYOUJESUS!!

Although I was feeling sick for about three of these days, overall we both slept SO MUCH SOUNDER. I'm talking sleep-like-a-rock status. We would get up in the morning and be ready to go, instead of groggy and still wanting to lay in bed. Another miracle of miracles because let me tell you, the Walsh family does not consist of morning people!

Ian also noticed that these little red bumps he was always getting on his upper legs were going away. Likewise, my skin was clearing up even more and had an overall glow that wasn't there, before. The juice was clearing up our skin! 

Day 7 - 10

By this point in the fast, we were physically ready to do this thing forever because we felt so good, but mentally were ready to eat, again! For me, I was ready to cry whenever I even looked at the kale in our fridge; my taste buds had not changed to accommodate the bitter superfood as I had hoped. In fact, my dislike for kale got WORSE and it became harder and harder to drink it. Some days I found myself so tortured by the drink that I would make less juice than I was supposed to just because I didn't want to suffer through 16 ounces of my own personal hell (I don't recommend doing this because you HAVE to eat. I was hungry frequently because of this). At first I was really upset about this and felt like I must be doing something wrong or there was something wrong with my body, but Ian assured me that it is okay to not like certain vegetables. Everyone's taste buds are different and as long as there were certain greens I liked to eat, then I was absolutely fine.

And in fact, I did notice that my aversion to green veggies was also changed...I found myself wanting steamed broccoli, which is totally weird because I have never been a huge broccoli fan. I also knew that spinach and cucumbers were some of my favorites and had recently started craving zucchini. Perhaps I would survive, after all!

The "Reboot with Joe" website talks about the importance of exercising during your juice fast to assist in weight loss, but keeping it light and easy, such as walking and swimming. While Ian was in beast mode on his speed walks almost every day, it took my quite a while to start going on walks because I'm on my feet all day at work and often didn't feel like I needed the extra exercise, lest I burn too many of the few calories I was consuming each day. But near the last few days, I went on a walk on the beach with a friend and was totally amazed at my energy level! I was walking at a speed and a distance that would normally have been breathing a little heavy, sweating, and having my calves burn, but none of that was happening! In fact, we had to stop sooner than my body wanted to: I could have easily kept going for another half hour and would have been just fine! MIRACLE OF MIRACLES, yet again, because this girl right here HATES exercise. Like, I don't think you even understand the depth of my distain for it. Yet I was doing it happily and wanting more!

BREAKING FAST...

On day 10, we decided to begin to slowly wean ourselves off of the fast to prepare for our "breaking fast dinner" at a restaurant we were going to that night for a friend's birthday. In the morning, we both had our last juice for breakfast. I can't even tell you what a weird blend of excitement and fear I experienced at breaking the fast. I had read that you should really take a few days to reintroduce foods, but Ian swore by the fact that after ten days, our bodies wouldn't completely freak out and that he had once done a 40-day master cleanse (what a crazy man!) and had eaten meat right after and was totally fine. His dad who is a certified health professional, also told us that as long as we control our portion sizes, we will be fine. 

I decided to make it as easy for my body as possible, so I ate an orange shortly after my breakfast juice. Chewing didn't feel foreign to me like many people have said it would, but it did feel foreign to chew so slowly and carefully out of fear that swallowing a big chunk of orange would send my digestive system into freak-out mode, because I had never taken the time to thoroughly chew in the past. I nervously waited to see what would happen, but found that my body digested it just fine and I didn't feel the need to run to the bathroom in panic (my worst fear, by the way). 

When I started to get hungry again after the orange, I decided that my best option for lunch based on what we had at my job was to eat a small amount of raw salmon. Halfway through, I freaked out and thought I had made a huge mistake because I read somewhere that your good gut bacteria needs time to replenish itself after a fast, and I had just ingested raw fish...but then I thought about how anything written about breaking a fast is erring on the side of caution and happily ate my salmon until I was full (which didn't take much at all) and was perfectly okay, with no bathroom episodes, or even pain in my stomach. 

When I got home, I got ready to go to Miami to a restaurant that serves all manner of pork....

Yes, we were about to eat PORK after ten days of no real food. Think it was a dumb move? I thought it might be too, but it seemed worth the risk. 

Now mind you, we hadn't eaten since lunch around 1pm earlier that day, so it was really amazing that by the time we sat down for dinner at around 9pm, we were JUST starting to feel pretty hungry. We were giddy with excitement at the idea of our first real meal of meat in 10 days. We both ordered one appetizer each, which was four small pork cheeks because we knew our stomachs were the size of a bead and we wouldn't be able to eat very much.

..,let me tell you, that first bite was HEAVEN ON EARTH. A soiree of flavors that practically punched us in the face! We forced ourselves to chew thoroughly and slowly and by the time we finished just four small pieces of meat, we were full! 

After eating, I waited to see how my stomach would handle it, a little apprehensively, I might add. 

Then it hit me: I REALLY had "to go." But surprisingly, it wasn't the altogether horrible experience I thought, and was over as quickly as it began and I felt fine. Meat successfully digested! 

POST-FAST LIFE...

It is VERY true what they say about feeling guilty and even scared to eat after finishing a cleanse. Ian and I were making super healthy food choices and STILL felt like we were doing something gravely wrong by eating. 

I had a bit of an emotional "episode" the day after where I was so overwhelmed with the wide variety of food choices I now had, and the fear of ruining all the hard work I did by regaining the weight I lost and slipping back into an unhealthy lifestyle, that I was afraid to eat altogether. IAN TO THE RESCUE! He held me as I cried a little bit and after him assuring me that we would be just fine, we ventured to Whole Foods for lunch where we hit up the salad bar and found ourselves drooling over raw vegetables and spinach leaves. Even the pieces of rotisserie chicken tasted like a treat!

We couldn't believe how FULL we got off of such a small amount of food. So awesome!

Probably the most eye-opening thing about how sensitive our taste buds were to flavor now was when Ian bought one of those Tazo iced teas. Now, I am an iced tea FIEND and can suck one of those down easily by myself. But just one small sip of that stuff was like a sugar bomb went off in our mouths! Not only was it way too sweet, but we could taste flavors in the tea itself that I had never been able to detect before, like the spiciness and the small notes of cinnamon, even. Now THAT rocked my world! 

By the end of our grocery trip, we had only drank a quarter of the bottle between the two of us! And actually as I'm typing this two days later, we still have that bottle in the fridge with tea left. Amazing!!

Another thing I didn't realize until yesterday morning (the second day post-fast) was just how much energy I had during the fast. For breakfast, I made myself a small orange, apple, and celery juice, and also made scrambled eggs with spinach. Only a few hours later, I was EXHAUSTED and wanted a nap so badly! This feeling was so foreign to me during the fast and only until then did I realize how I never once got tired in the middle of the day at any point during the detox! That further convinced me that from now on, I should have a juice as soon as I wake up to give me the energy to carry me through the day. 

Ian and I have been determined to "keep up the good work" and have been making a point to go on "speed walks" while we reintroduce our bodies to exercise. We have a holy fear (haha) of eating the right food and even though we are eating healthily, we still feel the need to exercise to make sure we are continuing to burn calories and keep off the weight we lost.

OVERALL RESULTS...

1) We both lost a lot of weight and didn't realize it until we tried on clothes we couldn't previously wear! We've been getting comments left and right from people telling us that it's noticeable how much we have slimmed down. We want to continue on this path, but it's amazing that we are now wearing clothes we haven't worn (comfortably) since before we got married! 

2) Ian has totally quit smoking cigarettes! He still uses the e-cig to supplement for his oral fixation, but all in all, that desire is gone!

3) We sleep a lot sounder now that we have cleansed our body of toxins and continue to juice one to two times daily. It's great to feel rested in the morning!

4) Our taste buds have completely changed. We now crave healthy foods and have no desire to eat junk! We find ourselves savoring and more thoroughly enjoying flavors AND don't feel the need to add salt to everything, anymore! For me, the Salt Queen, this is a big big deal! Things that seemed flavorless or needing something extra before, are now more than delicious to us!

5) We feel overall happier and more motivated. Because we're so well rested, we get up earlier and have more time to get things done. It doesn't feel like as much of a burden to take care of our business and we have more energy to do the things that we WANT to do. While I still don't LOVE exercising, I find it much easier to get moving and feel more satisfied afterwards. 

The list is endless! Everyday, we're discovering something that has changed for the better. But the most important thing we got out of this is a total lifestyle overhaul that isn't hard to maintain like it was before! Granted, this is only day 3 off the fast, but we feel totally different: our desire to change our lifestyles is no longer just due to mental will power, but to our bodies actually wanting it, too!

Final thoughts: If I can do it, ANYONE can do it!! When it comes to food and exercise, I have always been in the top ten people in the world with a willpower problem. I was dreading going 10 days without food, but somehow, I did it. 

And it was worth every second of sacrifice!

If you've got any questions at all about my experience, please ask! I would love to give you any information that might help you do your very own juice cleanse!

It all started with an anchor...

One thing about me: I love tattoos. HOWEVER, I am the most fickle person in the world when it comes to the idea of getting one, so I have always settled for admiring them from afar. About two months ago, whilst on Pinterest (where else?), I realized I was fascinated with nautical tattoos. There was something about them that just grabbed me, something mysterious that I couldn't put my finger on.

I began to see ship helms, compass roses, and particularly anchors, everywhere. 

Just one of the three anchors
I randomly came across in the past couple
of months

And I do mean EVERYWHERE; I randomly came across two huge old anchors on display within the course of a week, not to mention seeing it on clothes, home decor, and even on a dog shirt that a Yorkie was wearing next to me while I was having coffee with a friend and telling her about how I've been seeing anchors, everywhere! (Dogs plus anchors? You got my full attention!)

What does it all mean?! I didn't know, but it was intriguing me. And that was enough to let me know that God was trying to tell me something. (If you know me well or you've read any of my posts, you may know that God speaks to me in puzzle pieces, almost like a treasure hunt to get me to dig deeper and explore.)

While I was seeing anchors everywhere, God was also bringing up an important issue in my life: trust.

...particularly that I didn't trust Him as much as I thought I did.

It was one night at Higher Ground when He dropped the realization on me:

"Hali, you don't really trust me...but guess what? That's okay! Because I designed trust this way: to be earned."

MIND. BLOWN.

I realized that I have a great deal of faith. But like I've always known and never really understood why, faith and trust are not the same. And I knew that while I could stand in faith for ridiculously unbelievable things and actually see them come to pass, there were areas of my life where I didn't actually trust Him. And it was hindering me. 

It is possible for you to have a great deal of faith and very little trust. Why? For a few reasons: For one, the Bible says that faith is a gift. This means that it cannot be mustered up ourselves, but is supernaturally given to us.

Trust on the other hand is something that must be earned through experience. 

Faith is available as a gift to EVERY SINGLE BELIEVER. If you've got Jesus, you've got your very own mustard seed (or more) of faith because it's a packaged deal.

However, not all Christians trust God, because while faith is supernatural, trust is relational. We might believe in God, but do we have intimate communion with Him? I could have faith that a family member loves me and would be there for me if I needed it, but can I really trust them with the deep innerworkings, desires, and secrets of my heart if we don't already have a close relationship established? You cannot have true trust without true relationship.

Normally, I'd be the type to beat myself up for realizing that I didn't trust God very much. But when He told me it was okay and began to show me why, the pressure was off.

See, God doesn't expect us to trust Him without actually experiencing His faithfulness come through for us. God actually set it up so that we had to be in relationship for trust to work. God wants to earn our trust just like any other person needs to earn our trust! Just think of it: an all-powerful being who has everything, made everything, and is everything, actually put the power in our hands to decide if He is trustworthy or not! Crazy!!

In the original Greek, the word for faith means, "divine persuasion" while the word for trust means "persuaded, to be won over." One is persuasion of a divine, supernatural, and spiritual nature, while the other is persuasion of our hearts and minds being won over through experiencing someone keeping their word! (in almost every single instance of that particular Greek word being used in the New Testament, it referred to people being "persuaded" by others appealing to their emotions, intellect, and experience, not being persuaded by an outside force, such as what faith does.)

While faith is in God's hands to give us, trust is in our hands to give God. WOW!!

Now this is just my opinion, but I believe strongly that God values trust much more than faith because faith is a free gift that can be operated in by all, while trust goes a step further into the realms of intimacy with the Father and not all who believe choose to go there. The Word says that without faith it is impossible to please God...but it also says that we are pleasing to God because the Father sees us through the Son who has already fully pleased Him (It's the beauty of the Gospel, that none of it has anything to do with us and our efforts: we're already in by just believing)! So if we are already pleasing to God by a supernatural gift of faith that has nothing to do with us, then how much more must God value it when we go the extra step past believing to intimately knowing? To deep relationship? Something that does have to do with us? Something we have to actively choose to pursue?

Something that is in our possession that we can choose to give to Him or not?

...Just let that sink in for a second.

Another reason we might have faith and not trust is because faith has to do with His power, while trust has to do with His character. We can all easily believe that an all-powerful God is capable of doing anything, but we don't all believe that He will do it. When we don't trust, it's because we aren't sure of His goodness. We aren't always sure of His character and sometimes doubt His love. "I know you can heal me God, but will you actually do it?" "I know you love me, but will you actually give me my heart's desire?"

It is easier to believe in the power of a sovereign God than it is to believe in the unwavering benevolent character of a sovereign God. And this is why so many people that love Jesus never really enter into true trust.

During the time this revelation was brewing within myself, I saw that the same revelation of trust was in the hearts of those around me and even people that came from the outside into our community and I truly believe that this is what God is saying: 

God is pleased with our faith, but He sees that we do not really trust Him. He is calling us somewhere deeper, a place where we learn to trust Him through an intimate and profound personal relationship with Him. He doesn't want us to stop at simply having faith because that will never take us deeper into His heart. He wants a people who are willing to go to the scary place of being completely vulnerable and reliant on Him.

So what does all of this have to do with anchors?

Well, if you're like me, the first scripture that comes to mind about anchors is in Hebrews 6: "....and we have this hope as a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls..."

Hope. That is where all this was going.

I knew that somehow, trust and hope were related.

What's funny is that when we use the word "hope," we're usually using it in reference to a desire: "Oh, I really hope that happens!" "I'm not sure it will, but I sure hope so!"

But the Bible uses the word completely differently: the Greek word for hope actually means "expectancy, joyful and pleasurable anticipation of what is sure or certain." When the Bible talks about hope, it speaks of  awaiting something that you KNOW FOR SURE is going to happen! 

So here's how it all ties together: how can we have real hope if we don't really trust God? 

The only way to have certainty about something coming to pass that He has promised is if we have previously experienced God's faithfulness to come through on His word like He said He would, before.

BAM. 

So what was my area (at least one of them) of trust that needed to be worked on? It might sound silly to you, but it's my birthday. For some reason, almost every year something goes wrong on my birthday and I feel like I just wish the day would be over and done with. I would dread my birthday every year because in my experience, it always resulted in disappointment and let-down. I had seen and been a part of many surprise parties in my circle of friends and the desire of my heart was to be thrown a surprise party, because deep down, everyone wants to be celebrated and lavished with love and appreciation on that day they were born. We all want to know that we are truly cared about and valued. Even though this was my desire, I knew it wasn't going to happen because I was very vocal with Ian and my close friends about wanting one and it wouldn't be a surprise since we talked about it. So I decided that this past Saturday for my 25th birthday, I wanted to plan a big wonderful shindig so it wouldn't be a flop and I wouldn't be left disappointed. 

So when my husband and friends told me they wanted to plan something without my help and wanted it to all be a surprise, I nervously handed over the reigns. "Here's your opportunity to practice what you preach! Trust me with your birthday," God said.

So I did.

And let me tell you, it was NOT easy. My husband and my friends began to exhibit signs that things were not going as planned. They were dropping hints that it wasn't going to be as good as they hoped and that I should keep my expectations down so I wouldn't be totally heart-broken when the desires of my heart didn't pan out. Ian was constantly frustrated and my friends kept telling me that collaborating was not going well. They said that all of their good ideas fell through, that everything was too expensive, and in the week leading up to my birthday, Ian told me that almost nobody was available to do anything to celebrate.

During the weeks that this was going on, my heart was in conflict: Part of me thought that maybe they were really planning a surprise party for me and were just trying to throw me off so I wouldn't know it. After all, that was the biggest desire of my heart and God told me I could trust Him with it. But at the same time, I kept trying to squash those thoughts whenever they arose because I didn't want to put my hope in anything that was not certain, lest it failed and I was left with crushed expectations, again. 

Through it all, I kept feeling God's sly little smirk and Him saying, "Just sit back and relax. I'll come through for you."

On the day of my birthday, I woke up with a totally different attitude. I was content with whatever happened and although everything seemed to be falling apart and the plans they had for my day pretty much fell through, I was still in a great mood. I put my "joyful expectancy" where the Bible says it will never disappoint (solely in Jesus) and enjoyed my day.

As the nighttime came, Ian and I got ready to go over to my friend's house for a dinner that she and her husband cooked for me. They were the only two that ended up being free for my birthday celebration. Pulling up to their apartment, I kept fighting the conflict in my head: "No Hali, do not expect there to be a surprise waiting for you behind their apartment door. It is JUST going to be the four of us. That's it."

We knock on the door, my heart is pounding. The door opens...

SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!

Cue waterworks.

"See Hali? I told you you could trust me. I came through."

All I could do was cry. I couldn't even process the fact that about 15 of my closest friends were all waiting for me, all there to celebrate me and show me how much they love and appreciate me in their lives. 

Me with my three friends
that helped to plan my surprise party.

God earned my trust that night in a big way. He came through for me in the most redemptive way possible and gave me exactly what He knew I needed in order to earn my trust. I felt my trust in Him go to a deeper level because of that...I had entrusted Him with my heart's deepest desire and He had not disappointed me. He won me over.

When it comes to trust, our only role is to allow ourselves to be put in situations where God can come through for us and all we have to do is sit back and watch Him do it. What a wonderful, FREEING revelation!! Now that I have personally experienced God come through for me in an area that I didn't fully trust Him, I know have great hope for what is to come in the future because I am "certain and sure" of His character to make good on His word!

So what's the moral of the story for you, my readers?: If you feel like you don't trust God as much as you want, don't beat yourself up! God designed trust to be earned over time and experience, and guess what? It's all on Him! The pressure is off to please God because He is already pleased! So sit back, relax, allow yourself to be in tough situations, and watch God take it upon Himself to prove just how faithful and trustworthy He is by coming through for you!

<3Hali

P.S. - I recently taught on this topic at Higher Ground and it was much more in-depth. If you would like my notes to assist you in further study, please let me know and I will send them to you! I love to share the wealth! :)

(Newly) Married Wisdom #2

The last time I posted about what I've learned about marriage, I was only three months into it...hard to believe we are hitting our one-year anniversary in just under a week!!

As you can guess, I've learned a lot since that last post. I'm beginning to understand the meaning of "you learn something new everyday."

Without further ado, I give you my newest discoveries in the magical land of matrimony!

1)Perspective and response: a recipe for success! If I had to name one of the most valuable things I've learned thus far, it would be that your perspective of circumstances and the responses you have in them is one of the most important components to a strong marriage and strong character, and a successful life in general. I think it's obvious that marriage is not always rainbows and unicorns and dancing lollipops, so what do we do when things are less than desirable? When our spouses do something that makes our blood boil or our heart break a little bit? 

I gotta be honest and say that it took me a fair amount of time to put away my pride at how it's my "right" to react dramatically and without thinking if my husband did something to hurt me or aggravate me, and learn the power of a kind and loving response no matter what (still working on it...).

I was under the notion that because I was a female, I had permission to be overly moody, dramatic and emotional, and my husband just had to suck it up and deal with it because well, I'm a woman and that's how we women are! I could not have been more wrong. Why? Because moodiness and emotions are no excuse when it comes to loving like Jesus loved! Like, seriously: the man was tortured and died on a cross and He didn't complain once! Last time I checked, we are ALL called to follow his example, not just the dudes!

There's a Proverb that says "a fool expresses all of their emotions, but a wise person controls them." God showed this scripture to me during a time I was being particularly "difficult" and as a result was hurting my husband's feelings with my reckless outbursts and not thinking before I spoke. Holding your tongue is not easy, but man does it pay off in the midst of an argument! I've found that my husband excels in this area and I've got much more to learn about responding in love than I thought!

Keeping heavenly perspective is HUGE in marriage. It is easy in the midst of a rough situation or a bad day or an argument with your other half to see things negatively, to feel disappointed and downcast and discouraged. But if you change your perspective and simply look at the situation and/or your spouse with God's eyes, everything changes!

And wanna know something really cool? When your perspective shifts so do your words and actions! It becomes far easier to respond in love and gentleness in every situation when you are no longer looking at the glass as half empty and choose to see it as half full, instead. Nifty how that works, isn't it? This might be something you're saying: "well, duh!" but it's one thing to know it and another thing to get in the nitty-gritty of life, put your money where your mouth is and actually walk it out.

Along with having heavenly perspective, selfishness needs to take a back seat and we need to look from our spouse's perspective. I can't tell you how many arguments we've gotten in where it was full of "I feel, I need, I want," instead of putting myself in his shoes and seeing from where he stands. Selflessness is contingent on a godly perspective. It's not possible to remain in a constant state of selflessness without seeing things from the perspective of love! And it's not possible to have a loving response if we don't have a loving perspective. 

I feel like learning to not be selfish is a lifelong process and I never realized how selfish I could be until I got married!


2) Holiness over happiness. This is HUGE, guys. So many people, in the church especially, have this misconception that the prime focus of marriage is to find someone to keep you happy. Would you call me a Scrooge if I said they were wrong? Well then bah-humbug! If you're looking to your spouse to be your source of happiness, you will never be satisfied. I noticed when I put expectation on my husband to love me "perfectly" 100% of the time and to spend every waking moment enamored with his undying love for me, I not only found myself disappointed all the time by every opportunity that went by that he didn't take to be gushy and poetic, but I made him feel like an awful failure of a spouse. Really, Hali! No one is capable of that sort of attitude 24/7!

I was setting a standard no human being could ever meet. While marriage does entail those things and God does desire for us to have a marriage full of passion and romance, the truth is that only Jesus can satisfy those desires 100% of the time without ever letting us down.

I firmly believe that God allows circumstances to arise where our spouses fall short of our expectations to remind us who our true source of love is, and that's Him! I can recall many times where I found myself so "happy" in my flesh, so comfortable with my husband and my circumstance, that I was starting to get my main fill from Ian and stopped going to God for His affections. And let me tell you, everything can be absolutely wonderful with your husband and you still won't feel whole on the inside if your primary source of love isn't coming from God.

All that to say: God is far more concerned with you becoming more like Him than you becoming more comfortable. You know that whole spiel I gave in the last marriage post about iron sharpening iron? Well ladies and gents, there you have the reason for marriage! (Of course God wants us to be happy! But having true joy in your spirit that doesn't depend on circumstances and being happy in your flesh because everything is hunky-dory are two totally different things, and one is far more valuable than the other, not to mention it is available while you go through the rough stuff!) So don't get disillusioned if you find yourself having days where you're not-so-happily-married so to speak. Growth never happens without a little bit of hardship! After all, a tree doesn't grow if there's no pressure on the seed, right?

I once heard a quote that said, "If you want to follow Jesus with your whole heart, stay single. But if you want to become more like Jesus, get married." That pretty much nails it.


3)What happens when we're both right? This is a dilemma I've found myself and my husband in quite a few times in the midst of a disagreement. Sometimes, we are both justified in our argument against the other person. But what I've noticed is that when we are both right about something, 100% of the time we are also both wrong about something. Ha! Another "duh" moment. But trust me, it needs reminding in the midst of a disagreement!

So how do you resolve an issue when both sides are justified and have valid arguments?

I remember one time God reprimanded me when I was whining to him about how I was right and Ian was wrong, how I am justified to be angry because I was right, I, I, I, I!

He stopped me and said, "Why don't you think about what you did wrong instead of what he did wrong?" That stopped me in my tracks. I was pointing out the speck in Ian's eye, all the while I had a huge log in my own!

True humility does not get hung up on being wronged. Rather, humility prompts us to take a look at ourselves and see what areas we need to grow in before pointing the finger at someone else. 


Even more than revealing my pride, it revealed to me my mistrust. Fear rose up in me that God wouldn't call him out on what he did wrong and so I had to. I realized how little I trusted God with the details of my marriage because I felt I had to control the situation. So untrue!

As with everything else that God does, it makes no sense to our logic to react in humility when we are wronged, but it yields good fruit! Like the proverb says, "A kind word turns away anger." Being humble and meek will get you the apology you want, not being prideful and angry! I have seen this time and time again, that when I am the first to apologize, it softens my husband's heart towards me and he will apologize for his wrongs, as well (and vise versa!).

However, even in the event that our spouse doesn't apologize, we are still called to humility (now this is a hard one...)! Ultimately, God's goal is to shape your character, regardless of whether your spouse is allowing Him to shape theirs. Any opportunity to come low and humble ourselves is an opportunity to become more like Christ and get closer to Him. Why let that be stolen from us because we are all bent out of shape and offended by our husband or wife? God uses ALL things for our good, so if your husband or wife is being a jerk, be thankful that it's another chance to practice what we preach and look more like our God! That's why we're married, in the first place! Remember? :)



I'm sure I could dredge up more to share, but we'll save that for another time. Have anything to add? Comments are always welcome! :)


<3Hali