~ Part 3 ~
2009
"Year 6 - The year of Man"
A SHORT SUMMARY...
As I shared in part 2, God had clearly shown me that Year 6 of our relationship was a year I should expect to see Ian wandering and unsure, taking his own course instead of God's. I knew that I wasn't in for an easy 12 months or that I should even hope for any major turn-around.
I'm not going to talk too much about what was happening in my life this year outside of Ian, because that's not what this story is about. I will say that it was tremendous year of growth for me and I began to truly exercise my giftings: I preached for the first time, I began to personally disciple a few girls, I began to walk in my dream of singing, my love for violin grew so much more, and my relationship with the Lord went to a deeper level than ever before.
2009 was also a straight-up emotional roller-coaster. As I look back at my journals, I see an ebb and flow of mountain-top and valley experiences. I read back on days where I was so encouraged and full of hope about Ian, and days where I was so exhausted and tired of holding on. There were interactions with Ian that were great encounters filled with friendly affection and exhortation, and then there were other very notable instances of feeling completely thrown off balance and phone calls with him that left me feeling hopeless and discouraged. But through it all, no matter how low I got or how disappointed I felt, I have pages and pages written of the ways God comforted me and reminded me of His love and His covenant. There were so many times that I looked at the clock and saw 11:11 when I was upset about the way Ian sounded during a phone call, or times when I woke up from a dream about him and looked at the clock to see that it was 5:55am. I can't even count how many times someone who had no idea what was going on would come up to be and give me a precise word that I needed to hear, or tell me a scripture that they felt on their heart for me that happened to be right on point. I was getting almost daily reminders to keep the faith because what He said was true. Those are the things that got me through.
NOT IN KANSAS, ANYMORE...
2008 spit me out into January of 2009 with the suddenness of a tornado coming and going. I was still alive, still in one piece and continuing onward, but I had emerged from the chaos with my heart and my head still trying to regain their footing.
It quickly became clear to me that I needed a LOT of healing. God began to speak to me, to show me things directly and through other people that I was about to enter into some intense "open heart surgery." Ever heard that scripture that says He will shake what can be shaken and break what can be broken? That's precisely what I felt had happened. I was completely overwhelmed with the brokenness I saw within myself, exhausted when I recognized all the "damage control" that needed to be done as a result of what I had just endured. I was completely rattled.
But that's exactly where God wanted me to be.
Brokenness is a beautiful thing. It's the place where we need God the most. It's the place where we come face to face with our frailness, with our finiteness and our humanity, and it is the place where God can do what He loves to do more than anything: take broken things and love them back to life.
God is not afraid of our weakness, because in it is where He shows Himself strong.
God is not afraid of our weakness, because in it is where He shows Himself strong.
During the first couple weeks of January, I struggled to come to terms with the fact that I was deeply hurt and that it was okay to allow myself to express my hurt and not just push it aside in false humility and say, "It's fine! I'm fine! Just gotta get back up again and keep on moving!" I was beginning to understand that God wanted me to stop trying to be so strong and just allow myself to simply be what I was: a confused, wounded, broken mess.
God highly values our honesty in the human experience. I was on such a role in the faith department the year before and found favor with God because of it that I was almost afraid to be honest with Him about the condition my heart was in, lest I disappoint Him. When I finally broke down and was completely candid, I felt God come in with His expert surgeon hands and begin to work on all of my mangled wiring.
At the same time that He was healing me, I felt him repositioning me to start walking in my dreams, gifts, and calling. Not only was it a welcome distraction during a year I knew would be mostly disappointing in the "Ian department," but I was excited to be launched forward in my ministry.
((Something I often hear from people waiting for their significant other (whether they know who it is or not) is that they don't want to pursue their dreams until they're with that person. This is a HUGE mistake. The enemy loves to lie and make us think that we will lose our chance for love if we pursue our callings with all of our hearts, but it's just a big, fat, ugly, LIE. Trust me, I can relate to the temptation to hang back and not really go after your dreams out of fear that you will leave your future spouse behind, but it's just a tactic of the enemy to thwart your destiny! God was calling me to move forward with what He had for me. At times, I was tempted not to because I was afraid I would lose Ian if I ran too far ahead of him. But God is so much bigger than that. He knew what He was doing!))
JUST FRIENDS...
When I tell anyone the"nutshell" version of our story, I always say that it was the year of reestablishing our friendship. Our interactions were strictly platonic because he had said that's what he needed. Some days, it was shockingly easy to have conversations with him as just a close friend; the fact that God was pouring out on me in other areas of my life made it easier to be there for Ian as just his friend. It was like my life was full of blissful distractions so I was too busy with what God was doing in me to worry too much about my future with Ian.
He would often call or text me when he needed advice or someone to talk to, or even wanted to discuss spiritual things with someone that he knew would understand. It felt great to be a source of spiritual insight and encouragement for him, and even better that he actually wanted spiritual insight and encouragement. One time, he even came to a home church group with me!
But I'm not going to say that it was peachy-keen and there were no moments of awkwardness and "how do we do this?" There was still no closure about anything with Alexis and I had way more questions than answers. Plus, you can't just erase history with someone, and there were a few times it was hard to shut off the fact that I missed him. Yet somehow, God gave us the grace to do it.
He would often call or text me when he needed advice or someone to talk to, or even wanted to discuss spiritual things with someone that he knew would understand. It felt great to be a source of spiritual insight and encouragement for him, and even better that he actually wanted spiritual insight and encouragement. One time, he even came to a home church group with me!
But I'm not going to say that it was peachy-keen and there were no moments of awkwardness and "how do we do this?" There was still no closure about anything with Alexis and I had way more questions than answers. Plus, you can't just erase history with someone, and there were a few times it was hard to shut off the fact that I missed him. Yet somehow, God gave us the grace to do it.
DREAMS, DREAMS, AND MORE DREAMS...
For the first few months of the year, I noticed that there was a recurring theme in my dreams. Almost every morning, I woke up having to grab my journal to record another dream I'd had and for a while I couldn't quite figure out why they kept happening the way they did.
The recurring theme was of Ian, Alexis, and myself. It always consisted of Ian being put in a position where he had to choose between her and me and while he almost always chose her, he looked extremely conflicted each time and I was always aware of God in my dream telling me to keep peace in my heart and not to let go of His promises.
For hindsight, here's a direct quote from one of my journals in regards to the interpretation of one of those dreams. It becomes interesting a little later in the story:
February 24, 2009:
For hindsight, here's a direct quote from one of my journals in regards to the interpretation of one of those dreams. It becomes interesting a little later in the story:
February 24, 2009:
"I believe God gave me the dream as a warning, as well as a reassurance of
His many promises to me; a promise that while Ian may make
the mistake of once again choosing the wrong path, that he WILL wake up,
I just have to wait for that to happen."
Out of all of the dreams I had in 2009, the most important one happened to me one night in mid-May. It didn't become relevant until almost a half a year later, which is amazing, so I am so glad I wrote it down. This is the basic gist of the dream:
I was on my way to meet up with Ian after not seeing him in a long time. We were both excited about it. During the time I was on my way there, we were communicating through frequent phone calls and he had even written me a letter stating that he was so happy to finally be focused on the one girl he was in love with, and I knew it was in reference to me. It was quite a journey to get to where he lived and took me a little time, but when I finally arrived, we were both like teenagers again, all giddy, happy, and slightly nervous to see each other. We met in a busy hallway and continued on to his apartment that he shared with his friend "Jay" from high school. When we entered, I noticed that he had a dog, a sheperd-type breed. I also noticed the presence of a girl who was not happy about me being there, yet Ian seemed completely oblivious and was entirely focused on me. He was happily showing me around where he lived and talking to me like there was no one else in the world. He was totally different, in a good way, and his affections were completely fixed on me. As if we were first dating, he nervously kissed me. I was so happy, but I hesitantly pulled away and when he lovingly asked me what was wrong, I told him gently that even though he has now chosen me over Alexis, I was still hurt and we had a lot to talk about. He nodded understandingly and asked if I wanted to go sit outside and talk. It all felt very loving, very positive, and we were both very happy about what was happening between us.
I wasn't sure what the dream meant, but I had a feeling it was foretelling of future events. Remember this for later on in the story :)
The day after I had this dream, I got a random text message from a friend that said simply "Romans 4:21." When I looked it up, I had to laugh. It said,
"...and being fully convinced that what He (God) had promised,
He was also able to perform."
Once again, He was reminding me that He is faithful and He keeps His word. I could hold onto my promise because Ian and I would be together, again!
"LOVE IS FRIENDSHIP SET ON FIRE..."
Around June, I began to have another reoccurring theme in my dreams and it went on for months. It was those weird kind of dreams where the person in your dream goes back and forth between being themselves and being someone else, as if their identities are meshed together. In these dreams, the other person that Ian was becoming was my best male friend from childhood. Almost all of these dreams took place in the neighborhood I grew up in and they were all positive dreams full of laughter and adventure, leaving me feeling giddy and nostalgic when I woke up.
For a while, I couldn't understand these dreams at all. In fact, although I would feel warm fuzzies when waking from them, I also felt a little weirded out that I was finding myself in love with Ian in another guy's body! The fact that I wasn't understanding is, I think, part of the reason I had these dreams for so many months, because God was really trying to send a message!
After a couple months of these dreams, I started to find myself drawn to things about friendship and the concept of what true and real friendship actually is. When I found this Jeremy Taylor quote, I started to understand my dreams:
For a while, I couldn't understand these dreams at all. In fact, although I would feel warm fuzzies when waking from them, I also felt a little weirded out that I was finding myself in love with Ian in another guy's body! The fact that I wasn't understanding is, I think, part of the reason I had these dreams for so many months, because God was really trying to send a message!
After a couple months of these dreams, I started to find myself drawn to things about friendship and the concept of what true and real friendship actually is. When I found this Jeremy Taylor quote, I started to understand my dreams:
"Love is friendship set on fire."
God began to show me how He had begun to restore the foundations of mine and Ian's relationship, building it on something real and sturdy, trusted and true: friendship. After all, I had just realized how significant it was that Jesus called friendship, of all relationships, the greatest love of all (John 15:13).
This whole year so far had been me learning to love Ian as a friend first and foremost, no matter what I felt or wanted with him. God began to remind me of my deep heart's desire before we even met, that I wanted to fall in love with my best friend, and how it happened the opposite for Ian and I...
He wanted to give me what I never got the chance to have! He was giving us a second chance to build a true friendship which, when the fire of passion is added, will be all the stronger.
In hind sight, I also see how important it was for Ian to see me loving him without trying to manipulate or draw him back to me. True love gives of itself without agenda, and as I would later learn, that was something that would end up playing a key role in his decisions regarding Alexis.
In hind sight, I also see how important it was for Ian to see me loving him without trying to manipulate or draw him back to me. True love gives of itself without agenda, and as I would later learn, that was something that would end up playing a key role in his decisions regarding Alexis.
I understood that my dreams symbolized this desire God was fulfilling to rebuild friendship with Ian and fall in love with him all over again as my best friend. The dreams always took place in the neighborhood I grew up in because it represents safety and innocence, qualities that are fundamental in a true and godly friendship.
One night in October, I had another dream about Ian as my childhood best friend:
I was in my childhood home, closing the blinds to my living room window
when he spotted me through his window next door and mouthed the words, "What's up?"
"Nothin'," I replied.
"Wanna hang out?" he asked.
"Yes," I said with a rush of giddiness and excitement that comes with having a crush.
I wondered if he felt the same and thought about how cinematically romantic it was to
fall in love with your childhood best friend and go on spontaneous adventures
following a meeting through the window.
This dream felt different somehow and when I woke up, I knew something was going to happen.
The next day, I was walking through a store and the song "Lucky" by Jason Mraz came on the radio. I just smiled as I listened to the words and took note of how appropriate they were:
"...boy, I hear you in my dreams, feel you whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart, it makes it easier when life gets hard.
Lucky I'm in love with my best friend
lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home, again.
Lucky we're in love in every way,
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed,
lucky to be coming home, someday...
They don't know how long it takes waitin' for a love like this...
I'll wait for you, I promise you,
I will..."
For the whole day, I couldn't get Ian off my mind and had a strong urge to call him. I thought that maybe it was because God wanted me to pray for him, as that is usually how it goes when he needs prayer. But after two minutes of praying, the urge to call him didn't subside, but instead intensified. I took that as God's way of saying, "It's me, not you, that wants you to call him. So do it." At this point it had been a few weeks since we had last spoken and quite a while since we had seen each other.
When I called and he answered, I was surprised to see how easily everything flowed: just as easy as it was to hang out with the dream version of Ian, the real version of Ian made it just as simple, and we planned to meet up later that evening. My heart swelled with thankfulness as I saw that God really was doing something under the surface and restoring what had been lost!
(After the whole breakup ordeal at the end of 2008, I felt that I should take off my W.I.S.H. ring as a way to honor Ian's wishes to be nothing more than friends, and also to help me focus on Jesus and not be continually distracted by my future with Ian. In September, God told me to start wearing the ring, again. I knew that meant something, but wasn't sure what.) Before I left my house to see him, I kept reminding myself that I needed to take off my "W.I.S.H." ring so Ian didn't see it and get freaked out by the fact that I was still wearing it. I didn't want to do anything to jeopardize what God was doing in his heart towards me.
We met up at Cold Stone a few hours later in a town halfway between us. It was surreal how normal we were with each other and how easy it was to be near him without awkwardness or longing or even any dull sticks of pain. It was like we were just two best friends meeting up for ice cream.
We sat outside to chat, and he started talking about how he was going to adopt an Australian shepherd named Allie. It took me off guard and I didn't know how to respond because that was the kind of dog we had always talked about having one day together. And then he dropped the bomb on me...
He was moving to Orlando.
I felt like he had just pushed me off a balance beam.
This was certainly unpleasantly unexpected. It was one thing to live 45 minutes away from him, but for him to move to a different part of the state was quite another. Hopelessness panged in my heart at the thought of him not just figuratively, but now quite LITERALLY going in the wrong direction, further away from me and further away from what God had for him.
Luckily, I'm better at keeping my composure than I am at gymnastics and I regained my footing in the conversation as fast as I could.
"So I'll never get to see Allie?" I said, not trying to hide the sadness in my voice or face.
"It's not like Orlando is a thousand hours away," he said softly, "it's only about three."
"Then I'll visit all the time so she falls in love with me."
(don't you just love how we talk to each other between the lines? Ha! Anyway...)
I asked him if he had a roommate, and he said not yet, but it would probably be his friend "Jay" from high school.
...Suddenly, I remembered my dream from a few months back: me traveling far to visit him at his place that he shared with "JAY" and where he HAD A SHEPHERD DOG.
HOLY COW!!! I dreamt this!!
That pang of hopelessness began to subside as the revelation of God's love and promise flooded me. God gave me that dream for this very moment, to remind me of what He told me, of His covenant that WILL come to pass! Suddenly, I wasn't worried about Ian moving and running away from everything. In fact, I kind of found it funny because I knew that distance didn't matter: God would still get him, sooner or later. Of course I was sad, but the initial panic that this somehow changed everything died off the moment my dream came back to me.
While he continued to talk, I found myself oddly fascinated with his watch: there was a crack in the face of the glass and for some reason I couldn't stop staring at it. I took note of my observation and reminded myself to revisit the thought, later.
I had just bought myself an acoustic guitar and brought it with me for him to see, so we walked back to my car so he could play around on it. When I pulled it out, I realized that I had forgotten to take off my "W.I.S.H." ring. I thought about trying to discreetly remove it, but at this point I figured it was a God thing that I kept forgetting to take it off before I left.
I knew it was only a matter of time before he noticed the ring was on my finger. I was watching him intently while he was teaching me how to play a chord and rearranging my fingers on the guitar frets, when I saw it; it was just a split second of shocked recognition, but I caught the look on his face...he saw the ring.
I noticed a slight change in the way he was looking at me after that. It was like the look someone gets on their face in the moment before a half-smile appears, and it lasted until he left. When we hugged goodbye, he held me for a while. I felt him inhale with his face in my hair and he said, "Your hair smells good," something he always used to love to do. Before he left, he sat in his car and looked me up and down without a word, and when I said, "What?" he just smiled and poked me in the side endearingly. I couldn't read his mind, but I am pretty sure that he was reliving memories and feeling emotions stirred back up from the times he used to look at me that way.
As we went our separate ways, I had a great deal of peace in my heart. I believed that God had set up this encounter to stir something within him again, and that it would stay with him when he went to Orlando.
When I got home and began to journal about the night, I remembered the way I was so intrigued by the crack in the face of Ian's watch. As I thought on this, God began to speak. This is what I wrote that night in my journal:
October 22, 2009:
One of the speakers at the conference shared a vision he had in which he saw the breath of God blowing away mountains of soot and ash and revealing gemstones of all shapes, sizes and vibrant colors. When he asked what they were, God said the gems were His children who had strayed or run away, and He was removing the grime of lies, hurts, offenses, bitterness, anger, and all manner of evil nastiness that had plagued them and kept them away from Him. He said He is calling them back to Himself, and that 2010 was going to be the year of the prodigals returning home.
With all of my heart I knew it to be true. Ian was coming home.
About a week later, I went to a conference in Boca. A girl I knew only as an acquaintance and whom I had never shared anything with about Ian, grabbed my hand and said, "So, what's God shown you about your husband?"
I just laughed because I knew she was about to "read my mail" and I was about to get massively encouraged. Here's the gist of what she said:
I noticed a slight change in the way he was looking at me after that. It was like the look someone gets on their face in the moment before a half-smile appears, and it lasted until he left. When we hugged goodbye, he held me for a while. I felt him inhale with his face in my hair and he said, "Your hair smells good," something he always used to love to do. Before he left, he sat in his car and looked me up and down without a word, and when I said, "What?" he just smiled and poked me in the side endearingly. I couldn't read his mind, but I am pretty sure that he was reliving memories and feeling emotions stirred back up from the times he used to look at me that way.
As we went our separate ways, I had a great deal of peace in my heart. I believed that God had set up this encounter to stir something within him again, and that it would stay with him when he went to Orlando.
When I got home and began to journal about the night, I remembered the way I was so intrigued by the crack in the face of Ian's watch. As I thought on this, God began to speak. This is what I wrote that night in my journal:
October 22, 2009:
"I noticed a chip in the glass face of Ian's watch tonight and I found myself
preoccupied with it for some reason. At this very moment, I hear the Lord speaking
to me and reminding me that time is nothing for me to fear.
The One who is timeless holds it in the palm of His hand, and unlike people, He is never too early or too late. He is the crack in the clock. He tells it to slow down, to speed up, or to stop completely.
It is powerless over Him.
It is no longer an antagonist with a deadly weapon, but one bound and shackled,
at the mercy of the only One who lives outside of it.
It truly is only a matter of time, now. His time.
And that, I can trust."
LITTLE REMINDERS...
While meeting up with Ian was definitely a boost, as I mentioned in the beginning of this post this year was still full of hard days. I was under constant attack with distractions and doubts, and as always God was faithful to give me the little reminders I needed.
Just a few days after meeting with Ian, I was at work and grabbed a bottle of water. I wrote my initial "H" on the cap so it wouldn't be confused with anyone else's bottle. As I twisted the cap off and back on, God told me to pay attention to the "H" I had just written. As it spun, the "H" became an "I" and then back to an "H," again, and so on and so on.
Hali and Ian. Ian and Hali.
"I am going to make you one, one day," God said.
To this day when I write the H on my water bottle, I smile and am again overcome with how faithful God is to fulfill what He promised.
A FIRE REKINDLED...
Although I left the encounter with Ian at Cold Stone encouraged, that good feeling didn't carry me too far, and faded fast. I began to feel the weariness of waiting and warring on Ian's behalf all year reach a peak and I was emotionally and spiritually exhausted. It had been a very hard year. By the beginning of November, I felt completely drained. All the fight had left me and a huge part of me just wanted to be done caring, altogether. While I never stopped loving Ian, I was constantly tempted with the idea that my life would be so much easier if I just forgot about it all and let it go.
The first week of November is The Eleven Conference at The Harbour every year, and every year something deeply powerful seems to break out and infill all who attend. 2009 was my first time attending, and it most certainly lived up to and far surpassed all the hype!
I don't know how to articulate what God did in me during that conference, as most of it is the sort of thing there are no words for, anyway. But when I think on 2009, I remember those three days as the profound moment in time that set me ablaze and shot me into the next 12 months, full of fire, determination, and faith.
All I can say is that I felt like a warrior rising up within myself, again. A burning passion to run head first into battle was relit inside of me like a roaring furnace. The Word says that the righteous are as bold as a lion and for the first time in a very long time, I truly felt like a lioness, ready to devour the enemy that had stolen from Ian and from me, determined to do as much damage to his nasty kingdom of darkness as I could and war on Ian's behalf because I knew our futures depended on it.
I was a woman possessed and there was no stopping me until I reached the promised land.
I was a woman possessed and there was no stopping me until I reached the promised land.
One of the speakers at the conference shared a vision he had in which he saw the breath of God blowing away mountains of soot and ash and revealing gemstones of all shapes, sizes and vibrant colors. When he asked what they were, God said the gems were His children who had strayed or run away, and He was removing the grime of lies, hurts, offenses, bitterness, anger, and all manner of evil nastiness that had plagued them and kept them away from Him. He said He is calling them back to Himself, and that 2010 was going to be the year of the prodigals returning home.
With all of my heart I knew it to be true. Ian was coming home.
2010
"Year 7 - Completion"
FULL STEAM AHEAD...
As I look through my journals from 2010, I'm overwhelmed by the amount of times I turn the page and see the same words jump out at me: Intercession, Warfare, Dream Interpretation, Fasting, Warrior, Revelation. When I said I was a woman possessed and there was no stopping me, I meant it! The passion God ignited in me first and foremost for HIM, and secondly to fight for Ian's destiny, burned brighter and more fierce, everyday. He was constantly giving me dreams about Ian, showing me what to pray for and how to war on his behalf. Although similar to what I was walking out the year before through prayer and fasting, I was a different person: I was more mature, I knew exactly who I was to God, and I was walking in great power. I was encountering God on crazy levels and sharing with whoever I came in contact with. I was so in love with Jesus and so content to take my part as the one to stand in the gap for my future husband, that nothing moved me. Life was far too exciting, and God was far too faithful to be anything but full of joy and expectation!
I knew I was in the homestretch and I saw no reason to slow down. Ian was coming back very soon. I felt it!
ON THE RIGHT TRACK...
In the last week of February following three dreams about Ian, he called me late one night and woke me up to talk. It was the first time we had any contact since our meet-up in October. We small-talked about how we were and our families, but I knew his true motives for calling me when he told me that he was for sure moving to Orlando. I knew it was his way of calling to say, "good-bye" and I could hear in his voice that he really believed it was goodbye. That familiar feeling of hopelessness tried to work its way back into my heart, but I just shrugged it off and ignored it.
He had to get off the phone abruptly, so I didn't get a chance to ask him any details. He said he'd call me back in a few minutes, but of course he didn't. When I turned over to go back to sleep, I felt my phone buzz with a text but decided to check it in the morning. When I woke up the next day to read the text message, it was from a friend from church and it said,
"There is nothing that you're facing
too great for God. Trust Him and wait and see
How great is our God."
God punched that would-be doubt in the face before it even got a chance to take root! Distance never made anything more difficult for God to accomplish!
The next afternoon on my way to class, I decided to give him a call. I had a strong sense that God was done having me tip-toe around Ian and that it was quite alright to call him back, so I did. When he answered, I was surprised to hear that he was already in Orlando and he already had a place! Roommate? Not yet, but possibly "Jay." I asked about Allie the Australian shepherd and he said he was still getting her. The dream I had was now in full swing!
When we got off the phone, I couldn't help but feel optimistic, even a little amused: he may have been walking in disobedience, yet he was unknowingly walking right into God's "trap" to bring Him home! My dream was a reminder that nothing surprises God because He already knows the future and therefore has already made provision to turn everything around for our good, no matter what mess we find ourselves in due to our own wanderings.
Even when we veer off track, God has a way of directing our steps to end up where He wants us!
When I got off the phone, another friend texted me Jeremiah 29:11-15! It was a reminder that God has a fantastic plan and He hears my prayers, and in the meantime while I wait for them to come to pass, make it my priority to draw near to Him. God was on POINT!
The next day, God confirmed to me once and for all what I had been feeling for months, that it was finally time for me to be released from Church of All Nations and make The Harbour Church my official home. Talk about season of transition and release! Things were blowing up left and right and I felt that I was really stepping into my destiny. It was the beginning of what I pressed in to have for the past couple of years, the culmination, I knew, being Ian's return.
About a week later, I went to a conference in Boca. A girl I knew only as an acquaintance and whom I had never shared anything with about Ian, grabbed my hand and said, "So, what's God shown you about your husband?"
I just laughed because I knew she was about to "read my mail" and I was about to get massively encouraged. Here's the gist of what she said:
"It's all coming into alignment now, isn't it?
This has been years in the making, hasn't it?
Your faith wouldn't be where it is right now if you hadn't gone through
what you've been through.
You're going to help a lot of girls because of what you've been through in this department!
You've been very faithful in not manipulating the situation with your future husband.
God is going to richly bless you two and He is even going to restore your friendship!"
.
..can you say, "hit the nail on the head?!" God is so good!
THE BEGINNING OF THE END...
In the last week of March following a series of dreams about Ian, I decided to call him. It had been a month since I had last called and found out he was in Orlando, and I wanted to see how he was settling in. I felt God's sneaky little smile like we were both going to get some sort of enjoyment out of making Ian squirm a little. Sounds mean, but in reality, Ian responds to the Father messing with his sense of comfort. God always knows the right way to get our attention!
So I called him, but he didn't answer. Later on, I was sitting in my car in front of my house on the phone with a friend whom I hadn't talked to in a while, and he called me on my other line. I decided I'd call him later since I was in the midst of conversation, but then he called me again! Since he usually wasn't this persistent to get in touch with me, I clicked over. As soon as I said hi, he said, "What's up?" slightly anxiously, as though he felt I must have called him because something important or bad happened. When I told him that I was just calling to see how he's settling in to his place in Orlando, he seemed very thrown off kilter. He seemed a little nervous, a little confused, but mostly sounded like I had just caught him with his hand in the cookie jar (more on that, later...). God was right, I was enjoying this! He kept asking me what was going on and I kept meeting his nervous question with casual answers of "oh, nothin' really," and "Just callin' to say hi, how are you?"
We talked for about 2 minutes, if that, before his work break was over and he had to go, but he told me we'd talk later.
The conversation left me completely satisfied and a little amused. I knew I had ruffled his feathers in the best possible way. I could only imagine how his wheels were spinning!
I walked into my house when I got off the phone and the first thing my stepdad says to me is, "Your ex-boyfriend called looking for you. I told him to try your cell and he said he already did and he couldn't get a hold of you."
...say WHAT?! The guy who would avoid calling my house phone even while we were dating, called and talked to my parents after all this time just because I didn't click over right away when he called my cell? That means he was REALLY frantic to return my call! There could have only been a minute gap between the first time and the second time he tried my cell phone. I guess I really had him riled up! I didn't know exactly what was happening, but I knew it was something!
Little did I know that it would be the last communication I'd have with him until the finish line was finally in sight...
VISIT TO THE PROMISED LAND...
Because I knew this was my last year without Ian, I was determined to completely enjoy my time being single. I knew that God had plenty for me in this season of being just He and I and I didn't want to miss any of it sitting around twiddling my thumbs, waiting for my husband's return. I took a bunch of trips and went on fun outings with my friends, being as adventurous as possible and spending every second enjoying Jesus, but the biggest part of living it up to the fullest was going to Israel!
When I found out that my church was taking a group to the Holy Land, I immediately felt like God wanted me to go. I felt like this was our "last hurrah" as just the two of us. And of course, the symbolism of going to the "promised land" was not lost on me!
In the time leading up to the trip, Jesus was speaking to me a lot out of Song of Solomon, giving me a deeper understanding of what it meant to be His betrothed. I knew that as He was preparing me to be His bride, He was also preparing me to be Ian's bride.
I felt like Jesus was doing with me as a man might do with a woman he was courting:
"I want to take you to my home and show you where I come from," He said to me.
There's something so intimate and profound about taking the person you love back "home" and showing them your roots. It's almost like you can't truly know the depths of who someone is if you don't know where they came from, especially if it is a place that is such a huge part of their heart. This is even a common thing people do when they're in a serious relationship leading to marriage, and I felt like Jesus was taking me to the next level of intimacy with Him, and as a preface to the next level of intimacy with Ian.
In the month following up to our trip, I entered into a "dry season." I think that in our walk with God, we go through all sorts of deserts and dry spots, some more severe than others. For me, it wasn't a terrible wilderness, it was just a bit of a dry spell as far as feeling Him; it almost felt like He was pulling away just enough to get me to chase Him, but I wasn't discouraged because I knew the exciting and satisfying way that "hide a seek" ends.
From our first evening in Israel, it was very obvious to me the theme of this trip for me and Jesus was everything surrounding courtship and marriage. Verses from the Song of Solomon kept cropping up in my heart and revealing themselves, everywhere. I knew He was "wooing" me. Our first stop in the Holy Land was, of course, the desert. How appropriate for how I had been feeling!
When people saw that the Lord was touching my heart, they came around me and began to pray. Salo came next to me and said quietly in my ear, "God loves you and your patient ways. You have been so patient! And this year He is going to do something very special in your life that you've been waiting for."
OUT OF THE WILDERNESS...
I knew that God was bringing me out of the desert, literally from the Negev wilderness, and spiritually from my time of dryness, and into the lush lands of His presence. Yet another scripture was on my heart from Song of Solomon during our time there:
One night near the end of September, I was with some of my friends outside of the FAU gym. As I've mentioned before, I didn't talk a whole lot about Ian to even my closest of friends. Most had never even seen a picture of him (I did that mostly for my own sanity so I didn't get lost in a false reality while we weren't together). So my friend Ayse, who knew very minimal information about him, told me she had a dream a few nights, before...
She said that she was walking outside and the weather was cool, so she knew it was Fall. There was a bunch of people from church going to a restaurant and Ian sat down at the table. She described his appearance to a T, even though she's never seen him or knows what he looks like!
Wow! Talk about confirmation! Once again, the Fall would be extremely profound for the two of us.
September 28th rolled around, and I felt butterflies as I looked at the date: it was Ian's birthday, and God was telling me to text him. A mixture of excitement and fear buzzed through me at the idea of contacting him after not hearing from him since March. What if he had changed his number? What if he doesn't get texts and I'm wasting my time? What if he doesn't respond?
I shoved all of these thoughts out of my mind and picked up my phone. I had prepared myself to receive no response at all, but it wouldn't matter because obedience to God ALWAYS pays off in one way or another.
I typed in "Happy Birthday :)" and hit the send button to his number, which felt alien punching in after all this time.
As I put my phone down, a deep sense of peace and satisfaction washed over me. It didn't matter if he never answered, because I knew I did what I was asked to do. "You just pushed over the first domino," God said. And that was good enough for me.
But just mere moments later, my phone lit up:
"Thank you!!!!! How've you been?!?"
Didn't expect that! I felt as though I'd simply burst with happiness! I responded with a short text saying I've been great and life is good. He didn't answer that one, but I didn't mind....domino effect had begun, and that was enough for me.
OCTOBER...
In the beginning of October, one of my friends came up to me during a worship service with a vision she had had for me:
Aside from all of these wonderful things occurring, he had a bomb to drop on me...
...Hali = silently screaming for joy.
VISIT TO THE PROMISED LAND...
Because I knew this was my last year without Ian, I was determined to completely enjoy my time being single. I knew that God had plenty for me in this season of being just He and I and I didn't want to miss any of it sitting around twiddling my thumbs, waiting for my husband's return. I took a bunch of trips and went on fun outings with my friends, being as adventurous as possible and spending every second enjoying Jesus, but the biggest part of living it up to the fullest was going to Israel!
When I found out that my church was taking a group to the Holy Land, I immediately felt like God wanted me to go. I felt like this was our "last hurrah" as just the two of us. And of course, the symbolism of going to the "promised land" was not lost on me!
In the time leading up to the trip, Jesus was speaking to me a lot out of Song of Solomon, giving me a deeper understanding of what it meant to be His betrothed. I knew that as He was preparing me to be His bride, He was also preparing me to be Ian's bride.
I felt like Jesus was doing with me as a man might do with a woman he was courting:
"I want to take you to my home and show you where I come from," He said to me.
There's something so intimate and profound about taking the person you love back "home" and showing them your roots. It's almost like you can't truly know the depths of who someone is if you don't know where they came from, especially if it is a place that is such a huge part of their heart. This is even a common thing people do when they're in a serious relationship leading to marriage, and I felt like Jesus was taking me to the next level of intimacy with Him, and as a preface to the next level of intimacy with Ian.
In the month following up to our trip, I entered into a "dry season." I think that in our walk with God, we go through all sorts of deserts and dry spots, some more severe than others. For me, it wasn't a terrible wilderness, it was just a bit of a dry spell as far as feeling Him; it almost felt like He was pulling away just enough to get me to chase Him, but I wasn't discouraged because I knew the exciting and satisfying way that "hide a seek" ends.
From our first evening in Israel, it was very obvious to me the theme of this trip for me and Jesus was everything surrounding courtship and marriage. Verses from the Song of Solomon kept cropping up in my heart and revealing themselves, everywhere. I knew He was "wooing" me. Our first stop in the Holy Land was, of course, the desert. How appropriate for how I had been feeling!
"I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there." (Hosea 2:14). This is what He was doing with me.
There is SO much I could say about the desert, as I quickly fell in love with it, but the main thing God spoke to me while there was just how symbolic the natural desert is with a spiritual one: there is profound beauty to be found there, if you take your eyes off of the seemingly endless expanse of dryness and hopelessness, and take a moment to look around you. There is hidden water, plants, animals...there is LIFE in the desert. And the opportunity to be undistracted and engage with Jesus in more intimacy than you could ever have in the seasons of overflow.
I was right not to despise this "dryness" I was experiencing. There was purpose to it, to take me deeper, make me more dependent and trusting of my Father. How beautiful that is.
DRY BONES...
On our 4th day, we visited Masada, an ancient stronghold fortress that stands 1500 feet above the Dead Sea. It's not necessary to say how amazing this place was, I'm sure you can guess!
As we ventured through with our tour guide Salo, he stopped us at a room that looked unremarkable compared to all the others, but this was a very special place. Salo began to tell us that this particular room is called "The Ezekiel Room" because in 1947, just before Israel was reestablished as a nation, an ancient scroll was discovered, bearing the Hebrew inscription of the Book of Ezekiel, chapter 37, which is the story of The Valley of Dry Bones. (Check out God's timing with that!)
As Salo told the story, I began to feel God's presence come into the room and I started to laugh.
"I'm going to make the dry bones live again, Hali," God whispered to me. "I'm bringing you and Ian back to life."
 |
| Me in the Ezekiel room, after my awesome God encounter. |
These dry bones would live, again.
And soon.
OUT OF THE WILDERNESS...
After seeing the Negev desert and the Holy City of Jerusalem, we ended our trip in the serenity and beauty of Jesus' home: Galilee. The peace and beauty of this place is completely unparalleled. This, I knew, was exactly the way Jesus wanted to close out His time with me in His country.
"Who is this coming up from the wilderness, leaning on her beloved?"
This time had changed me, prepared me for what awaited me back home in the states. I would go back a woman changed by my time leaning only on Jesus in the dry places, almost unrecognizable because of the beautiful transformation He had done in my heart.
On our last night, we took turns getting baptized (or in my case, rebaptized) in the Sea of Galilee. And as we did, there were people setting up for a wedding on the shoreline.
"After the wilderness comes the wedding," I felt God say.
And I knew I was ready to have mine.
A RING IN MY NOSE...
Almost as soon as I returned from Israel to Florida, I hopped a plane to Fire Island NY, my favorite place in the world. The revelation I was getting of being a bride to both Jesus and Ian didn't stop when I got back to the States. It was especially meaningful to have come from the place Jesus grew up and go to the place that I grew up and call "home" while He continued to speak to me.
For a while since before going to Israel, I had started thinking a lot about getting my nose pierced. There was just something about nose rings that had my attention. For a while, I tried to ignore it because I figured it was nothing (plus, toying with the idea meant I would have to go through some physical pain, and I'm a baby), but the more I tried to shrug it off, the more intrigued I became, and started to feel like it was significant somehow.
So one night while sitting at the beach house with my journal in my lap, God kept reminding me of a scripture I had come across a while back in which God talks about how He found Israel when she was a mess and nearly dead, cleaned her up, adorned her with fine clothing and jewelry and put a ring in her nose. (Ezekiel 16)
I grabbed my phone and looked up what nose rings symbolized and sure enough, in ancient Biblical times, women would pierce their nose when they were wed...nose rings symbolized marriage!
As if I needed any more reassurance that it was almost time, I read verse 8 which says that God saw Israel was "at the age for love."
"I made my vow to you and entered into a covenant with you...and you became mine."
Shortly after getting back to Florida, I went with a couple of friends and got my nose pierced to signify my covenant with Jesus, and my coming covenant with Ian. I knew it was just around the corner, now.
I felt the Lord's voice so clearly and with so much finality: "He will be back in your life by the first week of November." That was incredibly specific, but I knew that it was the truth.
In part 2, I mentioned how significant the movie "August Rush" was to me. I didn't share in the last post any details about why, but one of the things about the movie that spoke so much of our relationship was a song by John Legend on the soundtrack. It's one of those songs that I feel like I could have written word for word because it's uncanny how relevant the lyrics are. God had begun to remind me of that song and I started listening to it, again. It's called "Someday" and I knew my "someday" was almost here...
SEPTEMBER...I felt the Lord's voice so clearly and with so much finality: "He will be back in your life by the first week of November." That was incredibly specific, but I knew that it was the truth.
In part 2, I mentioned how significant the movie "August Rush" was to me. I didn't share in the last post any details about why, but one of the things about the movie that spoke so much of our relationship was a song by John Legend on the soundtrack. It's one of those songs that I feel like I could have written word for word because it's uncanny how relevant the lyrics are. God had begun to remind me of that song and I started listening to it, again. It's called "Someday" and I knew my "someday" was almost here...
As days go by and fade to nights
I still question why you left
I wonder how it didn't work out
But now you're gone and memories all I have for now
But no, it's not over
We'll get older, we'll get over
We'll live to see the day that I hope for
Come back to me, I still believe that
We'll get it right again
we'll come back to life again
we won't say another goodbye again
You'll live forever with me
Someday, Someday
We'll be together
Our someday might be today
Mysteries of destinies
Our somehow and our someway
for all we know may come tomorrow
And for today, my eyes are opened
my arms are raised for your embrace
My hands are here to mend what is broken
to feel again the warmth of your face
I believe there is more to life
Oh, I love you much more than life itself
I believe I can change your mind
Revive what is dying inside
And someday, someday
We'll be together
Someday
One night near the end of September, I was with some of my friends outside of the FAU gym. As I've mentioned before, I didn't talk a whole lot about Ian to even my closest of friends. Most had never even seen a picture of him (I did that mostly for my own sanity so I didn't get lost in a false reality while we weren't together). So my friend Ayse, who knew very minimal information about him, told me she had a dream a few nights, before...
She said that she was walking outside and the weather was cool, so she knew it was Fall. There was a bunch of people from church going to a restaurant and Ian sat down at the table. She described his appearance to a T, even though she's never seen him or knows what he looks like!
Wow! Talk about confirmation! Once again, the Fall would be extremely profound for the two of us.
September 28th rolled around, and I felt butterflies as I looked at the date: it was Ian's birthday, and God was telling me to text him. A mixture of excitement and fear buzzed through me at the idea of contacting him after not hearing from him since March. What if he had changed his number? What if he doesn't get texts and I'm wasting my time? What if he doesn't respond?
I shoved all of these thoughts out of my mind and picked up my phone. I had prepared myself to receive no response at all, but it wouldn't matter because obedience to God ALWAYS pays off in one way or another.
I typed in "Happy Birthday :)" and hit the send button to his number, which felt alien punching in after all this time.
As I put my phone down, a deep sense of peace and satisfaction washed over me. It didn't matter if he never answered, because I knew I did what I was asked to do. "You just pushed over the first domino," God said. And that was good enough for me.
But just mere moments later, my phone lit up:
"Thank you!!!!! How've you been?!?"
Didn't expect that! I felt as though I'd simply burst with happiness! I responded with a short text saying I've been great and life is good. He didn't answer that one, but I didn't mind....domino effect had begun, and that was enough for me.
OCTOBER...
In the beginning of October, one of my friends came up to me during a worship service with a vision she had had for me:
She saw me walking at a train and bus station.
The sky was full of puffy pink, orange, and purple clouds,
and it was raining purple rain.
I was dressed like a cowgirl, with cowboy boots, a hat, pigtail braids,
and a guitar over my shoulder.
Then she saw Ian get off a bus. I ran so fast to him and he couldn't even move
because of how taken he was with me.
I ran and jumped into his arms.
But it wasn't only a romantic moment: it was one of intensely deep friendship.
The clock at the station read 11 o'clock.
At first, I didn't totally understand the vision. But when I went to write it down later, I realized how profound it was:
So much of our relationship had revolved around the train station and the bus stop; We met at a bus stop, and I spent so much time waiting at the station for the tri-rail to come pick me up and bring me to him. Trains became a symbol of dread for both of us because they're what dictated how much time we spent together or if we got to see one another, at all.
The puffy colorful clouds are significant because to me they represent Fall, the time of year when the sunsets become epically beautiful and painterly. The purple rain was meaningful because earlier that week, God made an association in my heart with purple being the color that represented October. As I thought back, October was also the month that the promise began to manifest itself last time (in year 5), as well. I knew that this meant that God was going to be doing a lot in October with Ian and I.
Now, the cowgirl imagery is what confused me the most out of all of the details. Actually, I was a little turned off by it! I really dislike country music and anything "southern," including cowboy stuff. But then I realized why God chose that imagery...Jessie, the cowgirl character from "Toy Story" popped in my head as I was writing it down in my journal, and suddenly, it was extremely profound that I was dressed like her...
Jessie was literally made to be Woody's best friend. They established a deep love for one another based on a friendship. But Jessie was abandoned by Woody twice (the same amount of times as I was). She felt betrayed and wounded by her dearest friend. And in the end when she thought he was gone forever, he stayed and never left, again. My friend said that she felt the intensity and depth of friendship when she saw us embracing in her vision, and that is probably why that movie gets me every time ("You've got a Friend in Me"...) and why I was dressed as Jessie. Because in those movies, the basis of the strength in the relationships is not romance, but friendship.
And as you may remember from what I've written previously, that is the thing which God promised to restore and rebuild because that is most important to me.
And of course, 11 o'clock is always significant: not only does it represent the "day" finally coming to a close, but it is the month of November, which I already knew would be when Ian came back into my life, once and for all.
AND ANOTHER DOMINO FALLS...
Just a few days later, about a week after Ian's birthday, the next major domino fell... my phone lit up at 2:44am and it was Ian: he was calling me.
I was about to hear his voice for the first time since March. I had no idea what to expect. Who knows what he would have to tell me? What we would talk about? So much can change in that period of time.
I nervously answered the phone. But any anxiety left as soon as I heard his voice.
I was about to hear his voice for the first time since March. I had no idea what to expect. Who knows what he would have to tell me? What we would talk about? So much can change in that period of time.
I nervously answered the phone. But any anxiety left as soon as I heard his voice.
We ended up talking for 2 1/2 hours until the sun came up!!
It was the oddest thing, but it's like I could literally feel Ian drinking up every word I said. It was as if someone who had been dragging himself along in the dark was seeing light for the first time. Every time I mentioned God, I felt him perk up. I had a sneaking suspicion that no one had had a conversation about Jesus with him in a long time, and it was like a cup of cold water to his parched throat.
In a word, he sounded like he was coming alive, again, both to God, to me, and to himself...and not to toot my own horn, but I think I may have had a little something to do with that! ;)
Not only was it soothing to him, but it filled a place in me, too, to hear him so attentive to what I had to say. He really cared to hear what I had to say and it made me feel so loved. The restoration was beginning!
Aside from all of these wonderful things occurring, he had a bomb to drop on me...
When I asked him if he had a roommate, he was hesitant to answer.
"...yes," he said.
"Is it Jay?" I asked?
"Well, no."
"Oh, so that didn't end up working out?"
"No. It didn't."
"So who are you living with?"
"Well...I'm staying with...her."
Alexis. Again.
I was shocked and momentarily felt as though I had been blown backwards. All at once, my mind flashed back to the phone call in March when he was acting super strange on the other line, like I had caught him in a compromising situation and now I understood why. I also had a flash of realization about all of those recurring dreams I had about Ian, Alexis, and myself with Ian choosing her but struggling with that decision. It all made sense, now. God had been preparing me for this. I felt that familiar guard go up around my heart, much in the same way He had protected me before, and while I knew I'd have to deal with the implications of what that meant later, for now I felt numb to it.
After all, the Ian I was speaking to was completely different than the Ian who had gone off with Alexis in the beginning. Even his voice sounded different, a man who was no longer confused and ready to run, but a man who was seeing the light and wanting to go after it. I could even hear the shame behind his words when he admitted it to me. He didn't even want to say her name. Things were definitely not the same!
"Oh. And how's that going?" I tried to sound as unfazed as possible.
"Um, it isn't going that well." (Can't say I was upset to hear that...).
When I asked why, I could tell he was avoiding going too deeply into it. He kept it simple and told me that it bothered him how little she was interested in God and that she was too career-driven....a.k.a, he was realizing how totally wrong for one another they were and how unlike me she was!...but of course he wouldn't say that. Not in our first conversation, at least.
When I asked why, I could tell he was avoiding going too deeply into it. He kept it simple and told me that it bothered him how little she was interested in God and that she was too career-driven....a.k.a, he was realizing how totally wrong for one another they were and how unlike me she was!...but of course he wouldn't say that. Not in our first conversation, at least.
Isn't it funny how we can talk so ambiguously and surface-level to the person who knows us better than anyone else, but it's really like there are actually two dialogues going on, one spoken, and one unspoken? I suppose it was a necessary game to play, but we both knew what each other was truly thinking.
We got off that topic quickly as I could tell he didn't want to continue, and we talked and talked until the sun came up about anything and everything.
Of course, one of the first things I had to ask him was about Allie, the Australian Shepherd.
"Oh, I never ended up getting her," he said.
"Oh, I never ended up getting her," he said.
REJOICE!!! How much does God love me?! The idea of him having OUR dog with another woman was totally heart-breaking. And God totally preserved that for us! When I asked him what happened, he said it just fell through and for some reason, he wasn't able to adopt her, anymore. I smell a little bit of divine intervention, there!
He did end up getting a cat, which he spoke to while we were on the phone: "You would love to meet Hali, wouldn't you?" which of course filled me with a gooey warmth knowing that Ian was inferring that he wanted to see me.
Throughout our conversation, he kept making little comments here and there like, "Ow, my cheeks hurt, I forgot how funny you are..." it may be wrong to admit it, but I couldn't help but feel a little satisfied knowing that Alexis probably didn't make him laugh like I could. It also made me a little sad to think that that probably meant he hadn't smiled or laughed much in a long time, in general.
As we went on to talk, we realized some pretty funny God things:
Earlier that year, I had developed this intense love for Native Americans, as well as a continued intensifying of my obsession with Australia which led me to spend the whole Summer "perfecting" my Australian accent (it's kind of a joke in my family because no one could seem to get it right, although I tried to teach them, haha). So while we were talking, I began to speak in my Australian accent. Ian was beside himself, because apparently he had recently realized how much he loved that accent and apparently he thought I did a pretty good job of it. We talked about how badly we both want to go there, and how irrationally excited we were about a place we've never been and knew barely anything about.
Then, I mentioned how I had gotten my nose pierced and he told me that he had two new tattoos. When I asked what they were of, he said that he's recently become very intrigued with Native Americans and got two animal tattoos in the style of a certain tribe's art. I of course flipped out and told him how much I've been obsessed with Native Americans, recently, and how I even did a project on the injustices they suffered by the hands of the US settlers and how enraged it made me.
Even while we were apart, God was doing something similar in both of us! I love how He does stuff like that, weaving us together even when we weren't.
Even while we were apart, God was doing something similar in both of us! I love how He does stuff like that, weaving us together even when we weren't.
At one point, I could tell that he was deep in thought. I asked him what he was thinking, if he was able to share.
"I can't say all of it, but I can tell you that I'm thinking about you."
...Hali = silently screaming for joy.
As the sun started to come up and we wrapped up the phone call, I told him that I wished I could see his new tattoos in person and he said, "Well you WILL see them, I'm coming into town soon and would love to see you."
Oh, you have no idea how much I'd like that, too, I thought. Or maybe you do :)
THE CRAZIEST WORD I'VE EVER GOTTEN...
Two days later, the same friend that gave me the word about me dressed as a cowgirl at a train station, said that she was reading something and God told her to call me, because the story was for me:
She was reading the story of Esther. And the part that God highlighted to her is the part where the women are in a preparation process to meet the king. It is a twelve month process, divided in two, making sure they are ready to come face to face with the man that could be their husband.
The first six months consist of Esther being treated with myrrh. Myrrh is an embalming oil and was given to Jesus at His birth to symbolize his death. It literally means "bitter sufferings." Song of Solomon talks about "going to the mountain of myrrh" where you are matured in your character, enduring pain for the sake of the one you love.
But the second six months that Esther went through was treatment with perfumes and cosmetics. While the myrrh represents the beautification of the heart and character, the perfumes and cosmetics represent bringing forth beauty that is already there for the world to see. Like the icing on a cake, so to speak.
My friend said that this was my journey: that the first part, the hard years, was me being treated with myrrh, learning to love like Jesus, enduring pain for the sake of the one I love. But now this year has been the second sixth months, a beautification of a bride getting ready for her wedding day.
As I read this story on my own, I nearly stopped breathing when I got to verse 16...
It says that Esther came before the king and found favor with him, and took Vashti's place as queen "in the 10th month of the 7th year...."
THAT IS EXACTLY WHERE I WAS!!! It was the 10th month of year 7 of our journey....WHAAAAA?!?!!
Literally lost my mind, here!! Do you understand what this means?? It means that SOMEHOW in God's infinite and unimaginable wisdom and power, He set up our timeline to fit EXACTLY with the timeline of Queen Esther, TO THE DATE!! Like, are you serious?!
Just as Esther found favor with the king and replaced Vashti as rightful queen, so God was bringing me before Ian, and I was finding favor with him, about to replace Alexis as his true love, all in the 10th month of the 7th year. WOW WOW WOW.
How amazing is God's love? How much He cared! To know thousands of years ago that the words written about Queen Esther would be words also written about me.
I can't take it. IT'S TOO GOOD.
REDEEMING LOVE...
A few nights later, I had a dream that I was in what was apparently Ian's and Alexis' house in Orlando. At one point, we were sitting on the floor behind a counter to hide from Alexis. He took my hand and said that he couldn't wait to make me his wife. Later on, I wandered the house and found their bedroom. There were two separate beds, instead of one shared bed.
Because Ian and I hadn't talked since that late-night phone call and we barely talked about Alexis, I was left to draw my own conclusions about the true state of their relationship, so I took the dream to be an antidote to the poisonous "what ifs" running wild in my imagination: God was reassuring me that there was definitely "trouble in paradise," and I didn't have to torture myself wondering if he was really happy with her.
Around this time, I started to read a book that changed my life, called "Redeeming Love." It is a retelling of the story of Hosea from the Bible, whom God told to go marry a prostitute, even though He knew she wouldn't be faithful to him, as an example to the world of how unconditional His love is for Israel, even when she rips His heart out over and over again. It's basically a story of true sacrificial love, and what perfect unconditional love really looks like.
As I read the book, I immediately saw Ian and I in these characters; Michael Hosea married a prostitute called Angel. He lavished love on her and never stopped, even when she continually ran back to her former life because she couldn't understand or receive love, and was too wounded and ashamed to stay. While this is an extreme example, I put myself in the shoes of Michael Hosea and God began to speak to me.
The lesson God was teaching me through the book was a very scary one for me to learn, and that is the concept of choice. It wasn't scary because of the thought that Ian may not choose me, but because I was confronted with fact that I could walk away from this, also.
"Do you really want to marry Ian or do you just want to marry him because I want you to?" God asked me.
What a frightening question.
I could, if I wanted to, walk away from this, forever.
I could give up.
I've mentioned before in other blog posts that I don't like to choose anything on my own. I'd rather God choose for me so I can agree with it, than make my own decisions without His input, lest I make the wrong choice and screw everything up.
It was terrifying to do so, but I really had to evaluate all of the waiting and the perseverance I had endured in these past years. Did I do it because I truly wanted to, or because I felt that I had to? Did I choose it freely or did I do it out of duty?
It hit me all of a sudden that all these years I pressed on, God never took away my option to give up: I could have ALWAYS chosen to walk away and He wouldn't have loved me any less. He wanted me to always be able to look back at this time and know that I was never trapped by Him, but that I chose this freely and in the face of other options.
After really meditating on it, I knew my answer: I wanted Ian. I wanted Ian for Ian, not just because I wanted to be obedient to God. He was my one and only because he embodies all that I truly want in a man. And I would take him even before he was fully that person and love him through his junk to see him become who he truly is. That's what Michael did with Angel, and that's what God does with us. I wanted our story to be one of redemption. This is what I secretly asked for in my heart before I even knew God, and this is what I wanted, now.
Redemption. It would be worth every little thing I went through.
On the other side of the coin, God showed me through the story how important it is for me to keep my hands completely off of what He was doing in Ian's heart regarding me; I was not to insert my opinion into what Ian should do, at all. I needed to be SO CAREFUL of not being manipulative in any way. If I tried to convince him to return to South Florida and be with me and he did it, I would forever have a lingering uneasiness of wondering if he truly chose it on his own.
True love does not control. Therefore, neither should I.
In the book, Michael continually went after Angel when she ran away, because He loved her and wanted to show her she was worthy of being pursued. But the last time she ran away, he didn't go after her; God told him that he had loved her well and now she needed to decide on her own whether to go back to him or let shame keep her away. Because if she chose to come back, she needed to forever know that it was her choice, that it had always been her choice, and hers alone.
Because after all, love is not love if it isn't freely chosen.
Ian had to choose for himself which life he wanted, and which woman he wanted to be with. And I had to keep my mouth shut. Nothing would be worse than him looking back and ever thinking I controlled any decision he made. I wouldn't be that girl. And I had confidence that I had loved him well enough that even despite all of the shame he had in himself because of his decisions, he WOULD choose me because love is stronger than all of that. He wouldn't run again, but come back once and for all.
I also began to hear the concept of God restoring and gathering those who have been scattered, cropping up everywhere. Whether it was in a sermon or my own reading, I would run into that theme at every corner, the emphasis on GOD being the one to redeem and reclaim, not me or anyone else.
I knew I could trust Him to be the Restorer of all things.
INSIGHT...
While I was resolved to not be meddlesome in Ian's affairs, God was honoring that fact and continued to give me "divine intel" to what was transpiring in Ian's heart and apartment, in the form of a dream, again.
In my dream, Ian was living in some sort of business building. He had an office at the very top of the building, isolated with no windows. It was a cold and impersonal environment, although surrounded by other people who also lived in the building. I would call him and as soon as I even touched the topic of getting him out of there, he'd go into total denial, saying he wouldn't and couldn't leave, and that he wanted to stay, and would hang up on me. I'd persist, yet I'd get the same reaction. Finally after pressing the matter relentlessly, he admitted that he desperately wanted to leave, but just couldn't and shouldn't. However, I finally convinced him that he was able to get away. All of the people that lived in the building were opposed to him leaving, in a creepy "Stepford Wives" kind of way, so it all needed to be done like some sort of covert operation. Somehow, I snuck into the building and found a way into his office without being detected. When I got there, we devised a plan where I would collect all of his things to leave while he pretended that everything was "business as usual," to fool everyone from thinking he was trying to get away.
When I woke up, God told me that this is how Ian felt at the moment: trapped by guilt, shame, and an unhealthy and twisted sense of responsibility, to stay in Orlando with Alexis in the world he'd entered. Knowing him so well, I knew that he believed that he needed to follow through with his bad choice and bear the consequences: I knew that he couldn't accept God's grace for himself.
But it wouldn't be that way, forever.
BREAKING POINTS...
In the first week of November, I got a text from Ian at 2am asking if I was awake. I responded, but he didn't answer back until the next day.
He said that he was sorry he hadn't made it down to South Florida sooner to see me, but something "held him up."
When I asked what that was, he said he had gotten into a car accident and he hurt his back pretty badly and had been receiving treatments for the pain.
The significance of this jumped out at me, immediately: in the past, God used a couple of unfortunate car incidents/accidents to kind of jolt Ian awake when he was going down the wrong path or trying to remain in a place where there was no grace for him to be.
So the fact that I knew from what God was showing me that he was struggling over the decision to leave Alexis and Orlando, made it pretty obvious to me that his accident was probably some sort of a sign to him about the path he was on and which one he was taking.
I know this sounds horrible, but in a way I was glad that he got into a minor accident, because I knew God was speaking....not to worry, Ian knows I feel this way and isn't offended! We laugh about it, now :).
The very next day, I got a text from Ian that took me by surprise: "I really wish you were here."
When I responded and told him that I'm sorry he is in a lot of pain, he said, "It's not the physical pain so much as the emotional pain."
He told me that the night before, Alexis was screaming at him, but instead of listening to her, all he could think about was me. "It's been that way for a while, now," he said.
I was really surprised at his candor and figured that if he was going to be saying things like that at this point, I could, too. Seeing as the Eleven Conference was the next week at my church, I invited him down.
To my surprise, he turned down the offer, because he was actually about to be heading down towards me that evening!
"I just couldn't wait that long," he said.
...no complaints, here. :)
After church that night, he called to tell me that he was on his way to South Florida. He told me he was carpooling with his friend, but what got me was that he wasn't even trying to speak ambiguously in front of them. Obviously he didn't care to keep it a secret that he was coming to see me.
When we got off the phone, an image flashed in my mind's eye of me contently lying on the ground next to Jesus. I noticed Ian walking up to us so I would talk to him over my shoulder, but then he would retreat. The pattern would repeat of him walking closer and backing up, walking closer and backing up, until he finally stayed beside us. As I'm wondering what this meant, I felt God say, "Continue being with me and he will come closer. You don't have to move, at all."
He also told me to go home and count the dried roses that Ian had given me for our 5-year anniversary, that there would be 11. I didn't know how that would work, because there were a dozen roses.
But when I got home, there were in fact 11! I have no idea how the 12th one disappeared, but it just wasn't there. If that wasn't enough, I glanced at the calendar and it was the 5th of November, the number of grace.
"Okay, God," I thought. "This is definitely your timing."
WHIRLWIND WEEKEND...
The only word I know to describe the weekend that followed is "surreal." Everything I had prayed into, endured through, hoped for, all culminated into this one encounter.
And it changed everything.
That Saturday at work, I couldn't contain myself all day, knowing I was going to see him that evening. Time couldn't move fast enough!
But along with my excitement, was an extreme anxiousness; I knew I was going to find out details about the life he'd been living for the past year, and I knew they wouldn't all be easy to hear. While my heart had been supernaturally guarded against feeling the sting of betrayal, now thoughts of Ian and Alexis living together made me feel weak, as I knew that topic was going to be fully exposed to me, raw emotion and all.
Even then, God was ready to encourage and reassure me: I stepped outside during work to mull these things over, and up in the sky, a plane had written "U + God = Happy." It was all going to be okay!
That night, I couldn't wait for him to come over. I was a bundle of nerves and excitement. I couldn't keep myself from shaking.
A knock at the door.
I open it breathlessly.
There he is, smiling at me.
This is happening. This is really happening.
We sat on the bench outside my house to catch up. Before too long, the subject couldn't be avoided: though my heart was racing and I felt slightly sick, I put on my most nonchalant voice and asked how he and Alexis were doing.
He scoffed, not even trying to mask the contempt in his voice, and began listing off all the negative things about her and their relationship.
Because Ian had told me in the past that she and I had many similarities and I reminded him of her, my self-esteem and confidence had taken a major hit, and I found myself struggling with feelings of inadequacy and thoughts of comparison. So it was weird to hear him saying these things about her...it was as if God was telling him exactly which details to tell me because with every confirmation of a character trait or nuance in personality that she and I didn't share, it renewed confidence within myself; I didn't have to compete against her, like I thought I did. I didn't have to compare myself to her, either.
I didn't realize how much of a toll it took on me to believe that Ian had supposedly found someone "just like me, but better," until this moment. But the reality was we were apples and oranges, two totally different people, all the way from our personalities to our physical appearance and everything in between.
I felt the insecurity melting away.
I thought what I was hearing couldn't get any better. I was wrong. If that was him getting the door of my heart slightly ajar, what he said next blew its hinges right off....
"By the way...forget everything I ever said about her. I never loved her."
I felt like all of my senses shorted out for a moment like someone hit the power switch. Was I hearing what I thought I was hearing?
"...wait, what?" I stammered. I couldn't keep the smile out of my voice.
"I mean it. Don't even worry about anything I ever told you about how I felt about her. None of it was real. It was all bull."
He spoke with the conviction of a man who was looking at the mistakes of his past with full realization. The matter-of-fact way he said it was completely validating.
In my mind, I went back to the time at Chili's when I asked him tons of questions about his feelings towards Alexis, and although he had told me he wasn't in love with her, I felt like he didn't actually believe his own words.
But this time, he believed it entirely. He knew it to his core.
A different man stood in front of me. The man I knew was there all along.
I began to ask him every difficult question I had been mulling over in my head ever since that late-night conversation we'd had where I discovered he was living with Alexis. I surprised myself at how unapologetically upfront I was, but not even the most revealing question made him cower back with shame. He answered them completely and honestly. But he never let an answer be said without reassuring me, afterwards:
"I really want you to get this, Hali: EVERYTHING I told you I felt towards her was a lie. Everything I did with her was a lie. It was never her. And it's always been you."
My world was rocked. Completely.
The miniscule part of me which couldn't accept that he was really in love with another woman, the part of me I had kept trying to squash every single day for the past couple of years, suddenly exploded within me and insatiable joy took over.
That little part of me wasn't delusional; it was correct.
As we sat there having the most honest and vulnerable conversation we'd ever had in our 7 years, I saw everything completely differently. The things that I was so afraid of Ian admitting to, the things I thought I would never be able to get past, almost didn't matter at all. He may have come back to me a few bad experiences richer, but he came back...at the end of the day, that's all that love cares about.
And I was satisfied to know that even when it appeared so, he never belonged to anyone else.
The next day, one of my major dreams, something I'd seen in my mind's eye clearer and clearer as the Fall approached, was fulfilled when he finally set foot in The Harbour for the first time. I wish I had pictures of certain people's faces when they saw him come into church with me and sit by my side. They were witnessing the joy of God's fulfillment right along side me and they knew the significance of this moment.
I didn't know it was possible for that church to feel any more like home than it already did, but having Ian there with me felt like the most "right" place to be in the entire world.
After church, Ian came out with a group of us to lunch. Sitting there with many of the people that I call "family," sharing a meal while wearing winter clothes, it hit me: Ayse dreamed this! This was exactly like the dream she had in late September (remember?)! God wasn't missing a beat!
After lunch, Ian only had a few more hours to spend with me before he had to head back to Orlando, so we decided to go back to my house and spend some time, alone. We took a walk to a park in my neighborhood to talk.
With our time together coming to a close, we both knew there was one conversation left to be had: What now? The question hung heavy in the space between us. We had just experienced this dreamlike weekend, but the reality was that he had to go back to his apartment in Orlando, and back to Alexis.
There was so much we both wanted to say, but so much that couldn't be said, yet. We stopped on the nature path we were walking on, he grabbed my hand, and his eyes began to well up with tears.
"I have hurt you so badly, Hali. And I am so afraid of doing it, again. I never even believed it was possible for you to forgive me for what I've done."
He began to pour things out in the honesty of his heart that I knew he had been wanting to say for a long time, answers I had been yearning to hear from him, and finally here they were...
The night of our 5th anniversary he realized that things were getting serious again, and he got scared. Scared that he would get hurt and that he would hurt me all over again. He felt that I deserved so much better than him. He thought that if I believed he didn't love me anymore, it would push me away and make me realize I had to move on, find someone better, someone that was far more worthy of having me than he was.
So he lied and said he wasn't in love with me, that he was in love with Alexis. He believed he was doing what was best for me.
And so closing the door on any hope of us, he conceded to a Hali-less fate he believed was unavoidable, got back together with Alexis and moved to Orlando with her to try and move on. But no matter how much he tried to lie to himself and to Alexis, he knew he was not in love with her. She knew it too, he said. She would constantly bring me up in the midst of an argument, accusing him of still being in love with me. Conflicted, he never really denied it, but it was not even in the realm of "possibility" anymore, so it didn't matter what he felt. It just mattered that he moved on.
The longer this went on, the more he felt like he was withering away; he knew this was not the path God wanted him on at all. It wasn't until I sent him a text on his birthday that the prospect of hoping again was even a possibility to him. Little by little, he shed the denial about how he felt about Alexis and the course his life had taken in the past year, and ever so slowly, allowed himself to revisit all the things he'd stuffed away about me.
And all that was leading up to this moment, us sitting on a dirt path on a clear Autumn day, holding hands and having a conversation years in the making.
"I know you want me to make promises to you about what's next, but I won't because I've already broken so many and I can't bear to hurt you anymore."
"But you won't hurt me again! I know you won't." I was pleading with him.
I so badly just wanted him to tell me that he loved me and was going to be with me again, but all he would say is, "You know what I want, Hali. But I can't say it. I don't know what will happen so I won't promise you anything."
I was beyond frustrated, but I wasn't actually angry with him. God was giving me perspective in that moment;
"He is being careful because he wants this time to be different. Be grateful and stay patient."
Like I've mentioned before, Ian is very black and white. He swings hard in either direction before he finds his way to a middle ground. Before, he had swung hard in the very wrong direction out of fear. I was grateful that he wanted to do things right this time, but was frustrated because it was still just fear manifesting in a different way.
I began to experience a feeling in that moment, one that would become VERY familiar to me in the coming weeks, even months. It's best described as trying to keep sand from slipping through your fingers, or like trying to catch wind. I don't know what it's called, but if it had nicknames, I'd imagine they would be: "realizing I have absolutely NO control over his choices" and "Keep your mouth SHUT and let him decide on his own."
Relinquishing control.
Restraining from using influence.
Trusting God.
Those things would become the choices I'd have to make, everyday.
I walked Ian back to his car, knowing I was sending him back to the woman and the life I couldn't wait for him to leave. I had to hide my confidence in knowing what the future held; he would have to face his upcoming choices, alone.
I was an emotional mess the following days, in a good way. I was overwhelmed with how faithful God was, completely undone at each and every promise, big and small, that was fulfilled that weekend. I wasn't concerned with how far we still had to go because I was so amazed at how much had already happened. Even the promise God made to me back in August ("he will be back in your life by the first week of November") was fulfilled right on time.
We weren't out of the woods yet, but I didn't care. I knew there was no way Ian would let me go, again. We had reached the point of no return and no demon in hell could ruin what was happening.
Not this time, and not ever again.
It says that Esther came before the king and found favor with him, and took Vashti's place as queen "in the 10th month of the 7th year...."
THAT IS EXACTLY WHERE I WAS!!! It was the 10th month of year 7 of our journey....WHAAAAA?!?!!
Literally lost my mind, here!! Do you understand what this means?? It means that SOMEHOW in God's infinite and unimaginable wisdom and power, He set up our timeline to fit EXACTLY with the timeline of Queen Esther, TO THE DATE!! Like, are you serious?!
Just as Esther found favor with the king and replaced Vashti as rightful queen, so God was bringing me before Ian, and I was finding favor with him, about to replace Alexis as his true love, all in the 10th month of the 7th year. WOW WOW WOW.
How amazing is God's love? How much He cared! To know thousands of years ago that the words written about Queen Esther would be words also written about me.
I can't take it. IT'S TOO GOOD.
REDEEMING LOVE...
A few nights later, I had a dream that I was in what was apparently Ian's and Alexis' house in Orlando. At one point, we were sitting on the floor behind a counter to hide from Alexis. He took my hand and said that he couldn't wait to make me his wife. Later on, I wandered the house and found their bedroom. There were two separate beds, instead of one shared bed.
Because Ian and I hadn't talked since that late-night phone call and we barely talked about Alexis, I was left to draw my own conclusions about the true state of their relationship, so I took the dream to be an antidote to the poisonous "what ifs" running wild in my imagination: God was reassuring me that there was definitely "trouble in paradise," and I didn't have to torture myself wondering if he was really happy with her.
Around this time, I started to read a book that changed my life, called "Redeeming Love." It is a retelling of the story of Hosea from the Bible, whom God told to go marry a prostitute, even though He knew she wouldn't be faithful to him, as an example to the world of how unconditional His love is for Israel, even when she rips His heart out over and over again. It's basically a story of true sacrificial love, and what perfect unconditional love really looks like.
As I read the book, I immediately saw Ian and I in these characters; Michael Hosea married a prostitute called Angel. He lavished love on her and never stopped, even when she continually ran back to her former life because she couldn't understand or receive love, and was too wounded and ashamed to stay. While this is an extreme example, I put myself in the shoes of Michael Hosea and God began to speak to me.
The lesson God was teaching me through the book was a very scary one for me to learn, and that is the concept of choice. It wasn't scary because of the thought that Ian may not choose me, but because I was confronted with fact that I could walk away from this, also.
"Do you really want to marry Ian or do you just want to marry him because I want you to?" God asked me.
What a frightening question.
I could, if I wanted to, walk away from this, forever.
I could give up.
I've mentioned before in other blog posts that I don't like to choose anything on my own. I'd rather God choose for me so I can agree with it, than make my own decisions without His input, lest I make the wrong choice and screw everything up.
It was terrifying to do so, but I really had to evaluate all of the waiting and the perseverance I had endured in these past years. Did I do it because I truly wanted to, or because I felt that I had to? Did I choose it freely or did I do it out of duty?
It hit me all of a sudden that all these years I pressed on, God never took away my option to give up: I could have ALWAYS chosen to walk away and He wouldn't have loved me any less. He wanted me to always be able to look back at this time and know that I was never trapped by Him, but that I chose this freely and in the face of other options.
After really meditating on it, I knew my answer: I wanted Ian. I wanted Ian for Ian, not just because I wanted to be obedient to God. He was my one and only because he embodies all that I truly want in a man. And I would take him even before he was fully that person and love him through his junk to see him become who he truly is. That's what Michael did with Angel, and that's what God does with us. I wanted our story to be one of redemption. This is what I secretly asked for in my heart before I even knew God, and this is what I wanted, now.
Redemption. It would be worth every little thing I went through.
On the other side of the coin, God showed me through the story how important it is for me to keep my hands completely off of what He was doing in Ian's heart regarding me; I was not to insert my opinion into what Ian should do, at all. I needed to be SO CAREFUL of not being manipulative in any way. If I tried to convince him to return to South Florida and be with me and he did it, I would forever have a lingering uneasiness of wondering if he truly chose it on his own.
True love does not control. Therefore, neither should I.
In the book, Michael continually went after Angel when she ran away, because He loved her and wanted to show her she was worthy of being pursued. But the last time she ran away, he didn't go after her; God told him that he had loved her well and now she needed to decide on her own whether to go back to him or let shame keep her away. Because if she chose to come back, she needed to forever know that it was her choice, that it had always been her choice, and hers alone.
Because after all, love is not love if it isn't freely chosen.
Ian had to choose for himself which life he wanted, and which woman he wanted to be with. And I had to keep my mouth shut. Nothing would be worse than him looking back and ever thinking I controlled any decision he made. I wouldn't be that girl. And I had confidence that I had loved him well enough that even despite all of the shame he had in himself because of his decisions, he WOULD choose me because love is stronger than all of that. He wouldn't run again, but come back once and for all.
I also began to hear the concept of God restoring and gathering those who have been scattered, cropping up everywhere. Whether it was in a sermon or my own reading, I would run into that theme at every corner, the emphasis on GOD being the one to redeem and reclaim, not me or anyone else.
I knew I could trust Him to be the Restorer of all things.
INSIGHT...
While I was resolved to not be meddlesome in Ian's affairs, God was honoring that fact and continued to give me "divine intel" to what was transpiring in Ian's heart and apartment, in the form of a dream, again.
In my dream, Ian was living in some sort of business building. He had an office at the very top of the building, isolated with no windows. It was a cold and impersonal environment, although surrounded by other people who also lived in the building. I would call him and as soon as I even touched the topic of getting him out of there, he'd go into total denial, saying he wouldn't and couldn't leave, and that he wanted to stay, and would hang up on me. I'd persist, yet I'd get the same reaction. Finally after pressing the matter relentlessly, he admitted that he desperately wanted to leave, but just couldn't and shouldn't. However, I finally convinced him that he was able to get away. All of the people that lived in the building were opposed to him leaving, in a creepy "Stepford Wives" kind of way, so it all needed to be done like some sort of covert operation. Somehow, I snuck into the building and found a way into his office without being detected. When I got there, we devised a plan where I would collect all of his things to leave while he pretended that everything was "business as usual," to fool everyone from thinking he was trying to get away.
When I woke up, God told me that this is how Ian felt at the moment: trapped by guilt, shame, and an unhealthy and twisted sense of responsibility, to stay in Orlando with Alexis in the world he'd entered. Knowing him so well, I knew that he believed that he needed to follow through with his bad choice and bear the consequences: I knew that he couldn't accept God's grace for himself.
But it wouldn't be that way, forever.
BREAKING POINTS...
In the first week of November, I got a text from Ian at 2am asking if I was awake. I responded, but he didn't answer back until the next day.
He said that he was sorry he hadn't made it down to South Florida sooner to see me, but something "held him up."
When I asked what that was, he said he had gotten into a car accident and he hurt his back pretty badly and had been receiving treatments for the pain.
The significance of this jumped out at me, immediately: in the past, God used a couple of unfortunate car incidents/accidents to kind of jolt Ian awake when he was going down the wrong path or trying to remain in a place where there was no grace for him to be.
So the fact that I knew from what God was showing me that he was struggling over the decision to leave Alexis and Orlando, made it pretty obvious to me that his accident was probably some sort of a sign to him about the path he was on and which one he was taking.
I know this sounds horrible, but in a way I was glad that he got into a minor accident, because I knew God was speaking....not to worry, Ian knows I feel this way and isn't offended! We laugh about it, now :).
The very next day, I got a text from Ian that took me by surprise: "I really wish you were here."
When I responded and told him that I'm sorry he is in a lot of pain, he said, "It's not the physical pain so much as the emotional pain."
He told me that the night before, Alexis was screaming at him, but instead of listening to her, all he could think about was me. "It's been that way for a while, now," he said.
I was really surprised at his candor and figured that if he was going to be saying things like that at this point, I could, too. Seeing as the Eleven Conference was the next week at my church, I invited him down.
To my surprise, he turned down the offer, because he was actually about to be heading down towards me that evening!
"I just couldn't wait that long," he said.
...no complaints, here. :)
After church that night, he called to tell me that he was on his way to South Florida. He told me he was carpooling with his friend, but what got me was that he wasn't even trying to speak ambiguously in front of them. Obviously he didn't care to keep it a secret that he was coming to see me.
When we got off the phone, an image flashed in my mind's eye of me contently lying on the ground next to Jesus. I noticed Ian walking up to us so I would talk to him over my shoulder, but then he would retreat. The pattern would repeat of him walking closer and backing up, walking closer and backing up, until he finally stayed beside us. As I'm wondering what this meant, I felt God say, "Continue being with me and he will come closer. You don't have to move, at all."
He also told me to go home and count the dried roses that Ian had given me for our 5-year anniversary, that there would be 11. I didn't know how that would work, because there were a dozen roses.
But when I got home, there were in fact 11! I have no idea how the 12th one disappeared, but it just wasn't there. If that wasn't enough, I glanced at the calendar and it was the 5th of November, the number of grace.
"Okay, God," I thought. "This is definitely your timing."
WHIRLWIND WEEKEND...
The only word I know to describe the weekend that followed is "surreal." Everything I had prayed into, endured through, hoped for, all culminated into this one encounter.
And it changed everything.
That Saturday at work, I couldn't contain myself all day, knowing I was going to see him that evening. Time couldn't move fast enough!
But along with my excitement, was an extreme anxiousness; I knew I was going to find out details about the life he'd been living for the past year, and I knew they wouldn't all be easy to hear. While my heart had been supernaturally guarded against feeling the sting of betrayal, now thoughts of Ian and Alexis living together made me feel weak, as I knew that topic was going to be fully exposed to me, raw emotion and all.
Even then, God was ready to encourage and reassure me: I stepped outside during work to mull these things over, and up in the sky, a plane had written "U + God = Happy." It was all going to be okay!
That night, I couldn't wait for him to come over. I was a bundle of nerves and excitement. I couldn't keep myself from shaking.
A knock at the door.
I open it breathlessly.
There he is, smiling at me.
This is happening. This is really happening.
We sat on the bench outside my house to catch up. Before too long, the subject couldn't be avoided: though my heart was racing and I felt slightly sick, I put on my most nonchalant voice and asked how he and Alexis were doing.
He scoffed, not even trying to mask the contempt in his voice, and began listing off all the negative things about her and their relationship.
Because Ian had told me in the past that she and I had many similarities and I reminded him of her, my self-esteem and confidence had taken a major hit, and I found myself struggling with feelings of inadequacy and thoughts of comparison. So it was weird to hear him saying these things about her...it was as if God was telling him exactly which details to tell me because with every confirmation of a character trait or nuance in personality that she and I didn't share, it renewed confidence within myself; I didn't have to compete against her, like I thought I did. I didn't have to compare myself to her, either.
I didn't realize how much of a toll it took on me to believe that Ian had supposedly found someone "just like me, but better," until this moment. But the reality was we were apples and oranges, two totally different people, all the way from our personalities to our physical appearance and everything in between.
I felt the insecurity melting away.
I thought what I was hearing couldn't get any better. I was wrong. If that was him getting the door of my heart slightly ajar, what he said next blew its hinges right off....
"By the way...forget everything I ever said about her. I never loved her."
I felt like all of my senses shorted out for a moment like someone hit the power switch. Was I hearing what I thought I was hearing?
"...wait, what?" I stammered. I couldn't keep the smile out of my voice.
"I mean it. Don't even worry about anything I ever told you about how I felt about her. None of it was real. It was all bull."
He spoke with the conviction of a man who was looking at the mistakes of his past with full realization. The matter-of-fact way he said it was completely validating.
"But you told me you were in love with her and not with me," I said, trying to make sense of that terrible phone conversation where he flipped my world upside down nearly two years before.
He looked at me with a surety that was irrefutable; "I was lying," he said.
In my mind, I went back to the time at Chili's when I asked him tons of questions about his feelings towards Alexis, and although he had told me he wasn't in love with her, I felt like he didn't actually believe his own words.
But this time, he believed it entirely. He knew it to his core.
A different man stood in front of me. The man I knew was there all along.
I began to ask him every difficult question I had been mulling over in my head ever since that late-night conversation we'd had where I discovered he was living with Alexis. I surprised myself at how unapologetically upfront I was, but not even the most revealing question made him cower back with shame. He answered them completely and honestly. But he never let an answer be said without reassuring me, afterwards:
"I really want you to get this, Hali: EVERYTHING I told you I felt towards her was a lie. Everything I did with her was a lie. It was never her. And it's always been you."
My world was rocked. Completely.
The miniscule part of me which couldn't accept that he was really in love with another woman, the part of me I had kept trying to squash every single day for the past couple of years, suddenly exploded within me and insatiable joy took over.
That little part of me wasn't delusional; it was correct.
As we sat there having the most honest and vulnerable conversation we'd ever had in our 7 years, I saw everything completely differently. The things that I was so afraid of Ian admitting to, the things I thought I would never be able to get past, almost didn't matter at all. He may have come back to me a few bad experiences richer, but he came back...at the end of the day, that's all that love cares about.
And I was satisfied to know that even when it appeared so, he never belonged to anyone else.
 |
| Snapped this picture of him in the car on the way to church, that weekend. It's still one of my favorites :) |
The next day, one of my major dreams, something I'd seen in my mind's eye clearer and clearer as the Fall approached, was fulfilled when he finally set foot in The Harbour for the first time. I wish I had pictures of certain people's faces when they saw him come into church with me and sit by my side. They were witnessing the joy of God's fulfillment right along side me and they knew the significance of this moment.
I didn't know it was possible for that church to feel any more like home than it already did, but having Ian there with me felt like the most "right" place to be in the entire world.
After church, Ian came out with a group of us to lunch. Sitting there with many of the people that I call "family," sharing a meal while wearing winter clothes, it hit me: Ayse dreamed this! This was exactly like the dream she had in late September (remember?)! God wasn't missing a beat!
After lunch, Ian only had a few more hours to spend with me before he had to head back to Orlando, so we decided to go back to my house and spend some time, alone. We took a walk to a park in my neighborhood to talk.
With our time together coming to a close, we both knew there was one conversation left to be had: What now? The question hung heavy in the space between us. We had just experienced this dreamlike weekend, but the reality was that he had to go back to his apartment in Orlando, and back to Alexis.
There was so much we both wanted to say, but so much that couldn't be said, yet. We stopped on the nature path we were walking on, he grabbed my hand, and his eyes began to well up with tears.
"I have hurt you so badly, Hali. And I am so afraid of doing it, again. I never even believed it was possible for you to forgive me for what I've done."
He began to pour things out in the honesty of his heart that I knew he had been wanting to say for a long time, answers I had been yearning to hear from him, and finally here they were...
The night of our 5th anniversary he realized that things were getting serious again, and he got scared. Scared that he would get hurt and that he would hurt me all over again. He felt that I deserved so much better than him. He thought that if I believed he didn't love me anymore, it would push me away and make me realize I had to move on, find someone better, someone that was far more worthy of having me than he was.
So he lied and said he wasn't in love with me, that he was in love with Alexis. He believed he was doing what was best for me.
And so closing the door on any hope of us, he conceded to a Hali-less fate he believed was unavoidable, got back together with Alexis and moved to Orlando with her to try and move on. But no matter how much he tried to lie to himself and to Alexis, he knew he was not in love with her. She knew it too, he said. She would constantly bring me up in the midst of an argument, accusing him of still being in love with me. Conflicted, he never really denied it, but it was not even in the realm of "possibility" anymore, so it didn't matter what he felt. It just mattered that he moved on.
The longer this went on, the more he felt like he was withering away; he knew this was not the path God wanted him on at all. It wasn't until I sent him a text on his birthday that the prospect of hoping again was even a possibility to him. Little by little, he shed the denial about how he felt about Alexis and the course his life had taken in the past year, and ever so slowly, allowed himself to revisit all the things he'd stuffed away about me.
And all that was leading up to this moment, us sitting on a dirt path on a clear Autumn day, holding hands and having a conversation years in the making.
"I know you want me to make promises to you about what's next, but I won't because I've already broken so many and I can't bear to hurt you anymore."
"But you won't hurt me again! I know you won't." I was pleading with him.
I so badly just wanted him to tell me that he loved me and was going to be with me again, but all he would say is, "You know what I want, Hali. But I can't say it. I don't know what will happen so I won't promise you anything."
I was beyond frustrated, but I wasn't actually angry with him. God was giving me perspective in that moment;
"He is being careful because he wants this time to be different. Be grateful and stay patient."
Like I've mentioned before, Ian is very black and white. He swings hard in either direction before he finds his way to a middle ground. Before, he had swung hard in the very wrong direction out of fear. I was grateful that he wanted to do things right this time, but was frustrated because it was still just fear manifesting in a different way.
I began to experience a feeling in that moment, one that would become VERY familiar to me in the coming weeks, even months. It's best described as trying to keep sand from slipping through your fingers, or like trying to catch wind. I don't know what it's called, but if it had nicknames, I'd imagine they would be: "realizing I have absolutely NO control over his choices" and "Keep your mouth SHUT and let him decide on his own."
Relinquishing control.
Restraining from using influence.
Trusting God.
Those things would become the choices I'd have to make, everyday.
I walked Ian back to his car, knowing I was sending him back to the woman and the life I couldn't wait for him to leave. I had to hide my confidence in knowing what the future held; he would have to face his upcoming choices, alone.
I was an emotional mess the following days, in a good way. I was overwhelmed with how faithful God was, completely undone at each and every promise, big and small, that was fulfilled that weekend. I wasn't concerned with how far we still had to go because I was so amazed at how much had already happened. Even the promise God made to me back in August ("he will be back in your life by the first week of November") was fulfilled right on time.
We weren't out of the woods yet, but I didn't care. I knew there was no way Ian would let me go, again. We had reached the point of no return and no demon in hell could ruin what was happening.
Not this time, and not ever again.
******************************************
Stay tuned for the 4th
and final installment,
coming soon!
******************************************
OMG I HAVE BEEN TUNED IN AND I CAN'T WAIT FOR PART IV!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteHi Hali! You don't know me, but we have a mutual friend (Christian Tapper) who shared your blog post with me. :) I read all three parts of your love story and was so encouraged and ministered to by it! In fact, I was moved to tears a couple times. Would love to read the fourth and final installment - hint, hint, nudge, nudge, wink, wink. ;) You have a great gift for writing - and your story is powerful! Great blog wallpaper, btw! I have the same on my blog (http://abundantsinglelife.blogspot.com). :) Wish I could meet you in person, I think we'd have a lot in common. May God bless you abundantly as you pursue His heart passionately and the dreams He's placed in you. ~Jamie
ReplyDeleteWow I'm so happy to hear this moved you!! Glad Chrisrian sent you my way :) Are you in the U.S.? I wish we could meet, too!
DeleteHaha oh man I knowwwww I am SO BEHIND in writing part 4!! My goal is to have it done by the end of summer, sorry to make you wait so long! I've had quite a crazy few years since I posted this originally so haven't gotten around to it, but I know there are a handful of people waiting!
Thank you for the blessings, same to you friend! :)
-Hali