While Part 1 was easy to write, Part 2 (and also Part 3) has proven much more difficult. Where the first half was a light-hearted easy retelling, this second half has forced me to dive back into my past and relive some life-changing moments. Because I was learning so much simultaneously, I can't help but rabbit-trail a bit here and there to share just a small bit of what else was happening in my heart. This part of my journey was just as much about building my character as it was about my relationship with Ian.
I've struggled with how to begin Part 2 of our story, but I'd be amiss if I didn't at least point out how true God's word is: There is a freedom and joy that comes with letting go of something you love for Jesus' sake. It's that whole strange paradoxical mystery of "keep your life and you will lose it, lose your life and you will find it." That day in January of 2008, I gave my life away and got something so much greater in return that I would have never received had I not surrendered what I loved the most.
~ Part 2: Year 5 ~
AND SO IT BEGAN...
I remember the day after we went on the break, it was like a huge cinderblock had been removed from my chest; I could move, I could breathe, I was now free to think about greater things than the burden I was carrying. Suddenly I was able to see the broad possibilities of my life laid out in front of me. It was like for the first time, I was truly excited about what my future held. I was truly free to run towards it.
It felt like my life had just begun. And it was exhilarating.
It's hard to explain the way I felt without it appearing as though I was happy to have Ian out of my life. I definitely wasn't. But when you walk in God's plan for you, no matter how hard it may be to say yes to it at first, He gives you a supernatural grace to walk it out without being weighed down by depression, fear, anxiety, hopelessness, you name it. There comes a peace and strength (and yes, strangely enough, joy) with obedience that makes no sense at all. Typical God ;)
I didn't know what to do about being in contact with Ian during this season, so I decided that I would take it one day at a time and only call Ian if God told me to. It quickly became obvious to me that I wasn't to initiate contact and let Ian dictate when we talked. While he didn't seem to be as positive about the situation as I was or fully understand why I felt it was necessary, he accepted it for what it was and limited his calls to me to "every so often" to update me about how things were going with him, and once even told me that he was calling because he needed a friend to talk to. While I could hear the sadness in his voice, I was thankful for where we were at. I could tell that he was giving God more of his attention than he had in a while and the fruit of it was beginning to show. I was incredibly thankful to see further proof that we were doing the right thing.
DISTRACTIONS...
I began this break with Ian with a very specific goal in mind: Go after nothing, seek nothing, look to nothing, but Jesus. One goal, one focus, one thing...
...and how many of you know that the second you set your mind to run after God with everything you've got, the devil immediately throws every distraction at you that he possibly can to derail you? Not only that, but the distractions are personal and intentional. And boy does he know where to hit you!
Right out of the gate, he hit me where it counted: male attention. Practically overnight, a guy came into my life who was offering me what I had lacked and so desperately wanted in the latter parts of my relationship with Ian; He pursued me, affirmed me, made me feel desired; basically told me what any girl wants to hear from a guy. He was filling up my depleted love tank, and boy was I letting him!
I knew exactly what I was doing. I knew that I was allowing myself to get my "fill" from someone other than God and that it was the enemy successfully distracting me from my goal, but I can't lie: it felt so good to be wanted and appreciated and pursued that I didn't fight the temptation. I let him chase me and I continued to spend time with him against my better judgment.
((When we succumb to temptation, we are opening the door for confusion. Oftentimes, we think that as long as we don't totally cross over the line, there's no harm done. The truth is that even a pinky toe past where you should be is one more pinky toe that the enemy can use against you. By giving into what my flesh wanted (even just a little bit) instead of being strong and avoiding the distraction, I was handing the devil a personalized invitation to mess with my head...))
Over the course of the month that this was happening, questions and doubts began to come up in my heart regarding Ian. Could there be someone else for me? This guy in front of me had many of the qualities that I had so longed to see come forth in Ian. Not only that, but he wanted to be with me and thought there was a strong chance that I could be the one for him.
Anytime these thoughts emerged, I could feel a sense of warning arise in my spirit. God was being abundantly clear that I was to distance myself from this person. I can even recall certain instances where I would be entertaining thoughts of "what if" and as I was thinking these things, this man would say specific things verbatim that Ian had said to me many times before, and I just knew it was God trying to sober me up and it was downright creepy sometimes! I knew deep down that it wasn't right, not just because I wasn't supposed to be with anyone in that season, but because this was not the person God had for me: Ian was.
Even still, I justified continuing the inappropriate friendship and entertained thoughts because aside from enjoying his company, it felt good to be desired.
CONFIRMATION GOES A LONG WAY...
One night near the end of January, this guy invited me to a church service where he would be. My ability to ignore the warnings to stay away from him was depleting more and more every time we hung out. I knew what I had to do, but I needed God to say loud and clear once and for all that Ian, not this man, was my future husband so I could have something solid to stand on while I pulled back from this relationship.
As I sat on my bed with my eyes closed, I said, "God, is Ian the one you want me to be with?"
Suddenly, this supernatural indescribable perfect peace rushed over me. I can't even explain how it felt because nothing I say will do it justice, but it was literally the most incredible sense of calm and tranquility I've ever experienced and to this day I've never again felt the same way at any point in God's presence. It was a clear-as-day answer.
I was also flooded with such profound love for Ian in that moment and I wanted to call him so badly, but God halted me and said very strongly that if I called him then, I would interfere with something very important that He was currently doing in his heart. He told me to write a letter instead and it felt so easy and right to spill it on paper. I wrote about how I knew without a shadow of a doubt that there wasn't a single other person on this Earth for me and that he was it. I knew it fully and completely without question.
After not hearing from Ian for about a week, he called me the next day. What he said totally blew me away...
Tearfully and with very apparent fear, he asked me if I thought he had fallen too far back and there was someone else for me that was more on my level. He said he's had all this time to reflect on what he's done and he doesn't want to hurt me again or hold me back in any way.
I couldn't believe God's timing! Had he called me a day earlier, I'm not sure I would've been able to answer with such steadfastness because of the battle raging in my mind. But after what had just happened the night before, I was completely confident in my answer to him. He continued to tell me that he wanted me to be sure, that he would never want to hold me back if there was someone better, but I told him that I knew it for sure, that he was the one and there was no one else.
He said that he realized now that he had to get to a point where he was willing to give me up if that's what God wanted, in order to move forward and really grow. And I just thought how amazing it was that God stopped me from calling him the night before because I would have ruined that process for him had I told him prematurely that I knew he was the one for me.
God's timing is so incredible when we yield to it and patiently wait on Him!
I intended to read Ian the letter I wrote him, but he kept saying almost exactly what I wrote to him, so there was no need to do anything more than say, "That's what I was going to tell you!"
When we got off the phone, he said with a peace in his voice, "I hope to talk to you soon...but not too soon."
We were finally on the same page and it was the most freeing feeling in the world.
((Sidenote: This "other guy" and I were able to stay friends afterwards and still remain good friends to this day, which I believe was God's will for us to begin with. There is redemption for relationships that may have gone in the wrong direction initially, and they can become beautiful friendships if we let God have His way. He can restore anything!))
I just gotta say how freaking happy I am that I've always been obsessive about journaling and documenting everything I was thinking, feeling, and experiencing because now I am able to look back at my journey and say with accuracy exactly what was going on at that time. I highly highly encourage everyone to journal! You'll be thankful one day that you can look back and see how far you've come, detail for detail. I don't think I'd be able to write our story so completely without my trusty paper companions!
SWEET REPRIEVE...
I hadn't heard from Ian in about a month since our last conversation on the phone. On March 7th while I was turning in for the night, God laid it heavily on my heart to pray for him and to write him a letter. As I wrote the letter and prayed, an excitement filled my spirit and I couldn't fall asleep. I laid awake for about an hour, totally expectant for a reason I didn't know, when at 1:30am, Ian called me and told me he was nearby and needed to see me.
He pulled up to my house a few minutes later. When I saw him, I could not stop smiling. We hugged for what seemed hours, until we finally broke apart long enough to sit down next to each other on my front lawn. As we sat there, I felt God say so intensely, "You're not ready to be together again, yet." Ian asked what I was thinking and I said, "It's just been so long since I've held your hand." I immediately started crying; I couldn't help it. Seeing him again was like opening the floodgates of emotions that I had put on the shelf. I missed him so much.
He grabbed my hand and said, "Hali, I'll do this if you want me to." He began to cry with me and as I wiped his tears away, I knew that his heart was still having a very difficult time. I felt the need to reassure him of everything: how I felt about him, what I wanted in the future, what the purpose of this time apart was about.
I didn't realize it at that moment, but his words should have given me insight into the lie about this break that his heart was wrestling with: that I just wanted to be away from him.
We sat and talked for a while, laughing and catching up. It felt like I had my best friend back! It was the most amazing feeling in the world to be near him, again. I didn't want the night to end. He told me about changes he was making in his life and it was as if God was saying, "See? You're doing the right thing! Look at the fruit!" He told me that he came because God woke him up and told him to come to see me. The timeline puts me praying for him at the same time he must have woken up to leave his house!! Crazy!
When he left, I couldn't fall asleep. I was still drunk with emotion at seeing him again, hugging him, holding his hand. It was like a sweet gift to encourage me to continue on. Little did I know that for Ian, it was just one more jab at the wound in his heart, just one more reminder that I wasn't with him, that I wanted to be on my own, that I'd left...
THE BEST SEASON OF MY LIFE...
Because of the fact that God told me I didn't need to worry about keeping in contact with Ian, I felt a great freedom to do what this season was meant for and just live life to the fullest, exploring God, learning about myself, and enjoying the world around me.
Those months were some of the most incredible of my life. Looking back at my journal, I wrote nearly every day about what God was doing in my heart; the deep healing that was taking place, the lies I believed about myself being dispelled, the revelation I was getting of my identity in God and the excitement of the calling on my life. (Funny enough, the very first time I ever received a word about mine and Ian's marriage and ministry together was the night of March 16th, the day before my wedding date. I still have the paper stapled into my journal.)
During that Spring and Summer, I was growing by leaps and bounds in the small group I mentioned in Part 1. I have papers stapled to the pages of words upon words that I received from people during this time, pages and pages of recordings of supernatural encounters I was having with the Lord, revelation after revelation written down that He had spoken to me. I can't say enough what life-giving and sky-rocketing season it was.
KEEPING ME IN THE LOOP...
It's important for me to note that through our whole journey, God was keeping me "in the know" when it came to Ian: I had countless prophetic dreams where He was showing me what was going on with him or what was going to happen; Every time before Ian called me or showed up at my house, I would know ahead of time because I'd feel it; If something was going on in his life that he needed to be prayed through, Holy Spirit would nudge me and show me what to pray for. Even though we were apart, God was teaching me how to partner with Him through prayer and fasting to see Ian through his struggles. Basically, I was learning how to be his wife.
God desires to give us heavenly perspective. That doesn't mean that we will always know "who, what, when, where, and why," but it does mean that when we stay locked into His frequency, we will see much more than our natural eyes allow us to see. He doesn't always want us to be clueless to what He's doing. That's part of our identity as sons and daughters; we can now know what our Father is up to and be about His business, just like Jesus! Is there anything more exciting than that?
When you are walking in obedience to God, no matter how hard the task is that He's asked you to walk out, you will NEVER be left high and dry! He always knows when you need a reminder that you're doing the right thing and an encouraging word to remain confident. He is always ready to supply hope and increase faith, He is always willing to give you a glimpse of what's to come to give you a "second wind" so you can continue on towards the goal.
People often ask me how in the world I was able to go on this journey without ever wavering...well there's my secret! Stay plugged into the life source and there's no reason to go off path for a breather! He is my "breather";).
LEARNING TO LISTEN...
In the middle of April, my small group did a fast together, the very first fast I'd ever done. It was powerful! (more on that very important part of my journey a little later...) We decided to break it together at a barbeque I was planning at my house that weekend, so I had expectations that something good was going to happen and I had a sneaking suspicion that it would have something to do with Ian. At this point, it had been about two months since we had had any contact and I just felt something brewing.
Later into the night, everyone was out on the back patio playing charades. I noticed my phone ringing and sure enough when I looked at it, it was Ian. Even though I felt that I should answer it, I decided not to and just call him back later, because only God knew how long that conversation would be or what it would be about.
When he called me three more times and I still didn't pick up, I had the fleeting thought to check the front of my house to see if he was there, but I ignored the urge. Later on, I was talking to one of my small group friends and she was saying, "Wouldn't it be so funny if he just walked through the front door while we were all here?" (at this point, only one or two people had even ever seen him. Needless to say, people were very curious to meet this person I was waiting for.) I kept having flashes of it in my mind, but continued to ignore it.
After the barbeque, I called Ian. And guess what? He was in front of my house! How stupid did I feel? God was telling me the whole time and I wrote it off as random thoughts coming into my head. He said that he was too scared to come around the back of the house and ended up driving home, even though God told him to turn around and come back.
God is always speaking, we just have to listen. Sometimes when I think about that night, I wonder what could have happened to change the course of things if we had just listened to God and done what He was telling us to do. It has always been a big deal for me that Ian and I share a common community of friends because all the time we've known each other, we had very few mutual friends and ran in two totally separate social circles. The fact that all of my friends were at my house that night, a community of believers who were dying to meet this famous Ian they've heard so much about and welcome him into the family we had created, was tell-tale of God's desire to see things that are important to us become a reality.
But of course, that did not happen. Instead, we had a phone conversation in which he shared what he was learning and realizing, all the while I was trying to ignore the battle he was continually fighting in his heart and in his mind.
I didn't realize that this was the last conversation we'd have before he would begin to give up.
WAKE-UP CALL...
Like I said, God kept me in the loop.
One night in early May, I had a dream that Ian was giving up on his pursuit of God and had no hope, anymore. He was going back to his old ways and told me he decided that all of this wasn't worth it anymore, that he was done trying to change and grow and commit to work on his spiritual life. When I woke up, the feeling lingered and I just knew that it meant something.
A couple days later, he called me and the Ian on the other end of the line was just like the Ian in the dream. He was frustrated, impatient, and I could tell he was becoming rebellious towards the circumstances. He said he was calling to wish me a happy belated birthday, that he had asked God if he should call or not and when he didn't get an answer, he didn't care and decided to call me, anyway. His tone and the underlying emotion behind everything he said was that of "I don't care, anymore. I'm done." I didn't like what I was hearing, but there was nothing I could do. There was nothing I could even say.
When we got off the phone, I was feeling all sorts of weird; that wasn't the Ian I knew. I knew that Ian's heart was losing strength and my joy in this time without him was being used by the enemy to twist the truth and further convince him that he was losing me and that I was happier without him. But what was I supposed to do? God had been clear: pursue Him and let Him take care of Ian. I was to keep my hands off and keep pushing forward. Instead of letting the discouraging phone call destroy my hope, I felt a fierceness rise up in me to push forward harder and faster than before. The more I pressed into God, I knew the more God would move in Ian's life. This was the ultimate way to love Ian while I couldn't be there for him, even if he didn't know it.
I was determined in my heart to face all of my own deep issues head-on, to do my "part" in this break and get prepared for what God had coming for me and for him.
God's timing was, as always, impeccable and as I became more determined in my heart to grow, he led me to the place that would eventually become my church home, The Harbour. I began to attend their open services here and there, and began to encounter God on deeper and more profound levels than ever before. From the first time I stepped foot in the church, I knew it was where I belonged and I knew that Ian belonged there with me.
NOT IN THIS ALONE...
As my journey began to intensify, so did a very important friendship. My friend Lydia is a huge part of this story and needs to be recognized because I honestly don't know what this would all look like today if it wasn't for her. You will be seeing her name pop up from time to time as you read because she played a huge role in my life in this time.
We met in the women's discipleship small group I mentioned earlier and from the beginning, God was weaving our hearts together in a very special way. To this day, she is like the older sister I neverwanted (just kidding, Lydia! :D) had. She stood by me, encouraged me, and believed with me in an extremely unique way from all the other wonderful people in my life; she was like my "Jonathan," my "armor bearer."
Early on in our relationship, before we even really knew each other, God was speaking to her about Ian and I. She would have dreams and visions for the both of us and eventually became like my spiritual partner in prayer and fasting to see breakthrough in Ian's life and mine. All of the rough moments and also the joyful victorious moments, she was there with me to walk it out by my side. It's no exaggeration for me to say that much of my breakthrough and Ian's breakthrough is a direct result of her diligence in prayer and fasting with and for me.
God will always put people in your life to help you walk out the hard stuff because He knows we need each other, not just to struggle through with and barely make it, but to run with joy and excellence and come out on top, passing the tests with flying colors!
God surrounded me with wonderful, encouraging, faithful, true-blue friends who stood in faith believing for my promise with me, and he will do the same for you if you ask Him!
UPHILL, DOWNHILL...
While I climbed higher up the mountain, Ian seemed to be going deeper into the valley. I tried not to be discouraged by what I saw happening; After all, God sees the bigger picture, so I had to keep that perspective, too. But some days it was harder than others to stay positive.
I could tell with each brief encounter that he was becoming more and more embittered, and I never knew quite what to expect when we spoke.
I realized how bad it was getting for Ian in the beginning of June. He called and I was surprised to hear that he was in Europe on a graduation trip with some of his friends. He was angry and bitter with me and everything about the phone call was just bad. I got off the phone trying to push down the guilt that I was responsible for his hurt.
A few days later he called again from Italy at 3am, but his tone with me was completely different. His anger had broken and now he was just hurt. He admitted he missed me and all he could think about was how he wished I was there with him. He seemed desperate to hear me affirm my love for him. The pleading in his voice was so hard to not indulge, but I knew I couldn't go any further than repeating what I had said so many times about what this season was about and that I did still love him.
I realized I was totally out of control to influence him back into a good place and when we got off the phone, I was at a loss. But as always, God was ready to reassure me; I flipped my Bible open and landed on a scripture in Lamentations that said, "Let him sit alone in silence when it (a burden) is laid on him; let him put his mouth to the dust--there may yet be hope." Things like this reminded me that I was doing the right thing: Ian needed to go through this rough place and figure it all out on his own, and I needed to step back and let it happen.
His last call from Europe came to me about a week later and it couldn't have been at a more inopportune time; I was having one of those days where I felt drained and weary and just tired of holding on and believing. I was in the car with a bunch of friends on our way to a church service, already feeling crappy, and he called me from Munich with an even worse attitude than the first time we spoke during his trip. I vividly remember the biting pain and bitter anger underneath his words when he said, "I'm just calling for the selfish reason of wanting to hearing your voice." The conversation had such a negative energy and I think God knew that I didn't know what to do because in the midst of Ian talking, the call got disconnected. I felt so thrown off kilter and I didn't understand what was going on.
Isn't it amazing how weak our hearts can be? One day we are totally encouraged and full of hope, and the next day we forget the very thing that encouraged us and get knocked down and deflated by just one mishap, one situation that isn't what we wanted it to be.
Lucky for us, God isn't offended at how fragile we can often be. That night at the service, I cried myself dry and He sent people to give me crazy prophetic words and scriptures that encouraged my heart and put me on the right path, again. No matter how many times in my walk I became discouraged about Ian, He was always there to lift me up and fill me with hope again.
SOME IMPORTANT DETAILS...
I want to point out some important things going on during that summer: For one, I was seeing 11:11 on the clock a lot, specifically when I was feeling hopeless and disheartened, and also right before the times Ian made contact with me. I also started to see 5:55, everywhere. For some reason, the numbers 3 and 5 have always seemed to follow me, so go figure I'd see triple 5's. 5 is the number of grace. That becomes important a little bit later on in the story.
Lydia and I began to pray for Ian together, regularly. We never planned it, it would just come on us while we were spending time together and our times of intercession were always powerful. We knew we were changing things in the spiritual atmosphere over Ian's life, even if he didn't realize it and we didn't see it.
Another thing that was happening was my awareness of what was to come: I was feeling that God was going to bring Ian to The Edge (the college ministry of Church of All Nations I was a leader at) and begin to restore him, and that the times of overcoming the hurt, disappointment, fear, and hopelessness were all conditioning me for something much bigger, later on. And of course in typical God-fashion, He was constantly setting up little reminders and "coincidences" everywhere to confirm that those things I was feeling were really from Him.
I'm just glad that at the time I didn't know what was on its way...
A HINT OF THINGS TO COME...
Before Ian had left for Europe and we weren't speaking much at all, I randomly got the urge to check his Myspace account. I didn't know why because I hadn't been on mine in ages and I was pretty sure he never really went on his either, so I just ignored it. But about two weeks into his Euro-trip, I felt the urge again, so I looked it up.
What I found disturbed and confused me, yet I felt my heart was protected much in the same way as it was that night I told him we needed to break up: his page said that he was "in a relationship" and there was a different girl --I'll refer to her as "Alexis" from now on-- taking my place as the first person in his "Top Eight."
A strange mix of panic and calm came over me. What did this mean? Was he dating someone?! At the same time as this anxiety and panicked questions came over me, I felt a sense of peace in my spirit like God was telling me not to worry. I knew that nothing I did or said would give me any answers or peace, so I gave it over to God. (This in and of itself is a crazy testimony of how much God had changed me because the old Hali would have had a full-scale freak out session. But I knew that whatever it meant, it almost didn't matter because God was still in control and I still knew what He promised me.)
That night, I had a dream that I was walking by a cafe and I saw Ian sitting at a table. I tried to avoid him, but he saw me and pulled me aside to talk to me. He had a very angry mocking air about him and I didn't like it. I asked him why he wasn't in Europe and he said he was leaving for Paris in the morning.
What do you know...the next day Ian called me from France. At this point I cautiously brought up what I discovered on his Myspace. And of course just like in the dream, his tone was angry and mocking. "Well what do YOU think it means, Hali?" he said. I told him I didn't know. He then proceeded to tell me that he was so angry with me for the way I've been neglecting him that he let his friends change his Myspace so I would see it and get upset.
I was not at all satisfied with that answer, but I let everything he said roll off my back. I felt like I wasn't getting the full truth and I was hurt at him admitting to doing something purposely to upset me, but I didn't take it to heart; I knew that he was lashing out at me because he felt hurt and betrayed. I knew I had to let the entire thing go. If there was more to the story, it would come at the appropriate time. But as of right then, I didn't need the worries and distractions.
BACK AND FORTH...
When Ian returned from Europe, I sensed a slight change in our relationship. I felt God was giving me permission to initiate phone calls to him now and invite him to The Edge. I knew the time was coming close that God would bring him to my church, but I knew it still wasn't quite time to get back together.
Our phone calls to one another became just a bit more frequent, with me initiating some of them. There would still be weeks that would go by with no contact, but it was different when we did talk: I knew it was building up to something more. He began to slowly give me some insight into the battle he was going through in his heart. In the middle of August, I even had a dream that he was being hesitant to call me or spend time with me out of fear of messing up with me and with God and sure enough, he showed up at my house that night because that's exactly what was upsetting him and he wanted to talk about it.
I began to see 5:55 and 11:11 even more frequently in times that I needed reassurance or peace or just a boost of confidence when it came to Ian. One time, I invited him to The Edge and he called me last minute to say that something came up and he wouldn't be able to make it. I found myself extremely frustrated and disappointed, but tried to just be patient and not get upset with him. When we got off the phone, there was a cheesy song playing on the radio about being patient and waiting for the person you love to come to you and the clock said 5:55. Just one example of things that happened to me all the time :)
SOWING DOUBT...
Here's a truth: when God gives you a promise, there will ALWAYS be things or people that come against you to try and convince you that it's a load of crap and to give it up. The Bible even gives us a heads up that this will happen when it says "And tribulation came because of the Word." I believe this is for many reasons: one, because we have an enemy that hates us and does not want to see anything good come for us and from us, and two, because God allows our trust in Him to be tested to strengthen our conviction of what we believe.
One night at The Edge near the end of August, a girl I knew but never talked to about personal things came up to me and began to ask me questions about Ian and was really interested in our story and excited to hear what I had to say about him. This was totally out of the blue because I never talked to anyone outside of my close circle of friends about Ian. Because she brought him up, I knew something was about to happen.
At the end of service, it was just me and one of my close friends outside talking to one of the pastors. We were talking about various things and I casually mentioned that "the guy I'm going to marry" felt the same way as me about a certain topic. It was as if a switch was hit and suddenly the pastor got very serious and said, "That's not right that you both feel that way...I have two words for you: move on."
Of course I was totally confused. Move on from the way we think about that particular topic? But no, he said that God was telling him that the man I thought I was going to marry is not the man God has for me and I need to move on.
It seriously felt like I was in the twilight zone. It felt so off.
When I left, I was feeling really weird about what he had said. I called Lydia to tell her what happened and funny enough she said that during the service, she had this feeling to look up at the door to see if Ian was going to walk in.
I put two and two together and realized how God had set up the evening to encourage me and give me a little reassurance (first from the girl who randomly came up to me, and then from Lydia) to lean on because He knew I was going to have something come against me.
I was able to see this pastor the next day and respectfully told him that I valued his words and would take them to prayer, but I don't believe that what he said to me was in line with what God was showing me. Thankfully, he said he was glad I was praying about it instead of taking it at face value and I felt so much better. It would have been very easy to build offense in my heart towards this man for falsely speaking against my promise, but I was able to forgive him and move on (keeping a pure heart towards naysayers of your promise is very important, I've learned).
Often times, people who mean well or think they have insight that they don't, will try to give you advice or speak into your life. When it comes to what God has promised you, guard that promise with zeal! If God says it, then that is the ONLY voice that matters. It is so important to use discernment when people give you words or opinions or advice because it is just as easy for someone to speak out of a place of opinion and not what God is actually saying, which I believe is where that word came from with this pastor. Please don't hear what I'm NOT saying: of course there will be people with wise council, and usually it comes from spiritual authorities who oftentimes may see something we don't that we should take into consideration, but at the end of the day only YOU know what God has shown you and no one can tell you that God did or did not promise you something.
BEGINNING OF THE BLOW...
I should have anticipated that because small attacks like that one were increasing, something bigger was on the horizon.
One Sunday night at the end of October, I got the urge to see if Ian had a Facebook. Mind you, I hadn't tried to look anything up since June when I found his Myspace had changed because I knew nothing good would come from cyber-stalking him (trust me, ladies, as tempting as it is to cyber-stalk, control the urge and it will save you mountains of grief!).
Well, not only did I find that he had a Facebook, but it said that he was in a relationship with this Alexis person I saw on Myspace, and his profile picture was a shot of the two of them! I also saw that she had posted some mushy comment to him on his birthday and called him "baby."
It was obvious that this wasn't just something he made up to get back at me. But I didn't know what to think of it or what to do. Was my worst nightmare coming to pass?
I prayed and I couldn't find peace at all. I was feeling tormented and confused and wanted nothing more than to call him and confront him about it, but every time I was about to do it, a friend would call or text me, and I knew that was God's way of saying "Don't you do it!" On my last attempt to pick up my phone and call him, one of my best friends called me because she said she felt like I needed to talk about something. (Heck yes, I did! Again, how's that for timing?) Letting it all out to her helped a whole lot. I was glad that God sent me someone to vent to and process my thoughts with out loud because it would have been very destructive had I called Ian and unloaded on him!
I had a very hard time sleeping that night, but with the little I got, I had a few dreams. One of them was of me on the beach screaming my lungs out and there were angels all around me saying, "Go ahead and scream! Do what you gotta do, let it out!"
The next day, I had plans to meet with Lydia and another friend to go to the beach to watch the sun rise and pray together. As soon as I saw them, I told them what happened and sure enough, Lydia had a dream the night before about Ian and she said she knew it was time to truly get serious about praying for him. I felt the same urgency in my heart and I knew that now more than ever it was time to fight for his destiny.
And of course, I took a hint from my own dream and went for a walk down the beach where I proceeded to scream at the top of my lungs until I felt satisfied that I had let all my frustration out. Sweet cathartic release!
Not too long after my discovery, Lydia and I made it a point to begin to fast and pray for Ian regularly. Through dreams and time in prayer, we both felt different things that needed to be broken off of his life and things that he needed to be prayed through. It was a powerful time and I knew that things were happening whether he or we saw them or not. At this point, I was having very little contact with Ian, but that was fine with me: I was fighting for him behind the scenes and I knew things were about to change...
THE SHIFT...
As I've said before, there's something so significant about the Fall and the month of November in particular and I could feel change coming.
In the first week of November, me, Lydia, and a couple of people from my church were going to a small Haitian church somewhere in Miami to a creative arts night. I was really excited because I had been cast in the lead roll of "The Lifehouse Skit" and we were going to be performing it for this church.
It was one of those nights that felt like I was about to have a "divine appointment," like this night had been planned by God for a very very long time. I knew something was going to happen that would change everything.
A few hours before we were supposed to leave for Miami, I hear a knock at my front door and there stands Ian.
He sat on my couch and looked completely uneasy. He said he had something to tell me. That familiar shield came around my heart and I prepared myself for what I was pretty sure he was about to say. With great nerves and shame in his voice, he told me that he was dating Alexis and had been since his senior prom that Spring. He said that she asked him to marry her and that's when he realized he needed to come see me. "I don't expect you to ever forgive me," he said.
But my heart was full of compassion and love for him. I told him I forgave him and it didn't matter. He was completely taken off guard and couldn't believe it because he knew he had just done the one thing I've always been the most scared of, but I just told him it didn't matter. None of it mattered, now.
All of the things that we had both been wanting to say the whole year began to flood out. He told me how he felt I had abandoned him, how he believed I was never coming back and that he got together with Alexis to dull the pain and try to move on. I apologized for hurting him and making him feel like I had left him, that the whole year I wanted nothing more than to show up at his house and call off the break, but I knew we couldn't do that. I prayed for him and I could tell his heart was totally moved and renewed.
Eventually, I had to leave to go do the skit. I asked him if he had any plans for the night and he said no, so he came along with me. We drove together with Lydia and another one of my friends. The car ride was so much fun and there was something in the air that told me tonight was going to be the climax of many answered prayers. It already had been, after all.
When we got to the church, the skit wasn't going to start for a good while. I waited outside with Ian while everyone else was inside. I felt like a 15 year old again, butterflies in my stomach and a stupid grin on my face that I couldn't get rid of. We talked a little bit about what he was doing with Alexis, but it didn't bother me: I could tell his heart was melting towards me more and more by the moment.
All of a sudden as we were standing there, a bunch (I don't remember the exact number, but wouldn't be surprised if it was 3 or 5) of adorable black puppies ran up right in front of us and began to play in the grass! If any of you reading this know Ian and I, you know that we are absolutely dog-crazy. The sight of puppies makes us (me in particular) completely fall apart. Ian and I both remember this night so well because we both knew the puppies were like a little "kiss" from Jesus. It might sound silly, but I knew He sent them as a message that He was uniting us again.
We went back inside to get ready for the skit and it turns out that someone who was supposed to play one of the parts was missing, so Ian volunteered to fill in. It was only a silly little skit, but the fact that he wanted to do some sort of ministry with me was another little prayer being answered and it felt great.
We were sitting next to each other while we were waiting for the skit to start, and I noticed he was wearing a sloppily-made woven string bracelet. I asked him what it was and he said Alexis had made it for him. I told him how that was funny because I had just recently started making them again and I've thought of making one for him.
"I can make you one that's way better than that one," I said, half joking.
He looked at me, looked at the bracelet, then ripped it off and tossed it on the ground. It was something out of a movie. We just smiled at each other and my insides filled with warmth. To me that was much more than just him taking off a bracelet: it meant that in that moment, he had made a decision.
And he was choosing me.
We went on to do the skit, and afterwards, we sat down to listen to a short sermon. I don't know exactly what happened, but suddenly Ian was kneeling with his face to the floor, crying and praying. Something amazing was happening in his heart and everyone saw it. As we like to say in Christianese, he was getting "rocked." God was answering my prayers and coming through on behalf of the things I had been fasting for. It was almost too much to take in.
A few days after that night, he took Alexis to a church near his house and broke up with her as gently as he could, making sure to show her that God was in this decision.
He was free to be mine.
CLOUD NINE...
After that night, things began to happen very fast. We started to talk more, to hang out more. We were working on repairing our relationship and it felt so great!
One of my biggest desires has always been to spend time together at the beach, especially at night, and for some reason in the past, Ian would never want to go. It was such a big disappointment to my heart each time because it's something that meant a lot to me. But a few days after he broke up with Alexis, he picked me up at my house and took me to the beach at night! I can't even express how wonderful that night was. It was like God was saying, "Okay you crazy kids, you can get back together now!"
He held me and told me everything I'd been longing to hear from him: He affirmed his love for me, told me that there was never a moment that went by while he was with Alexis that he didn't think about me. He said that even when his parents had conversations with him about her, it would always end with mention of my name. He never stopped loving me for an instant.
"You know I'm going to marry you? I get to watch you grow into the most beautiful woman," he said.
The night was nothing short of euphoric.
My prayers about Ian coming to The Edge and becoming part of community with my friends began to happen, as well. He started to show up at services and get-togethers with me. I would watch in awe as he had encounter after crazy encounter with God, amazed at my prayers being answered so rapidly and precisely. We even got "messed up" by God together as we were prayed over for the first time as a couple. It was all finally happening and I couldn't believe it. It wasn't in my head, it was all real!!
((You may be skeptical about the power or even the point of fasting like I was in the beginning, but I can tell you as evidence of its power that all of the things Lydia and I fasted and prayed came to pass super quickly the moment Ian fully came back into my life. Even tiny details that we would pray and fast for would manifest in Ian's life right before my eyes! Jesus Himself told a frustrated group of disciples that they were failing at trying to cast out a group of demons because some things will only break with prayer and fasting. Without going into a huge rant about why fasting works, I'll just share that the revelation God gave me was that I was sacrificing myself on Ian's behalf when he didn't or couldn't pray for himself. It's like a small-scale allegory of the way Jesus sacrificed Himself to bridge the gap for us to reach the Father. In a way, I was helping to build a bridge over all of the things coming against Ian's life that was trying to keep him away from God so Ian could more easily walk back in the right direction. Powerful stuff, right?))
UNFORGIVENESS...
As fantastic as it was being with Ian again, the initial "I don't care about all that stuff!" began to wear off and I found myself having extreme anger and hatred towards Alexis. It was ugly and I didn't want it, but it was hard. She was "the woman who stole my man" and as much as I wanted to forgive her and be done with it, it wasn't that easy. Ian and I had pledged to be together forever, that neither of us would ever be with anyone else, and she took that away from me.
Forgiveness is a process, not a one-time deal. I had to choose everyday to forgive her and give it all back to God. Some days were easier than others, but for the most part, it was difficult.
I also began to see how much I mistrusted Ian. Even though he had done it all in hurt and hopelessness, he had still betrayed me and I realized that he needed to earn back my trust and that was also a process.
The fact that Ian still cared about Alexis as a friend was hard for me, too. Of course I didn't expect him to hate her, but it would have been easier if he did. Heck, it would have been easier if she was a rotten nasty person, but I knew she wasn't. His huge heart and desire for everyone he knows to know God is something I have always loved so much about him. But in our current situation, the fact that he wanted me to pray for her and cared about her feelings and spiritual life was difficult to swallow. The "spiritual Hali" was glad he harbored no ill feelings. But let's be real, I'm a female and there ain't no girl who doesn't want their man to cringe at the sound of their ex-girlfriend's name, even just a little bit. Just being honest, here!
I began to have dreams about Alexis almost every night and they always consisted of me befriending her. I also began to feel compelled to pray for her all the time. At church services, I would close my eyes and imagine me hugging her and crying with her at the altar as we prayed. As weird as it sounds, those things were helping me to forgive her. They were helping me to see her as more than just "the other woman," that she is God's daughter too, that He loved her and desired to see her made whole, too. I began to feel for her because I knew she was hurt in this ordeal, as well.
I also began to have weird dreams about Ian. Many of them were about him being confused about Alexis, saying that he might have feelings for her but he wasn't sure. Or telling me that he loved her, but then saying that's not what he meant. It didn't help matters that he would mention that his heart was still soft towards her as a person and just wanted to see her find God and have her hurt healed. Of course I wanted that for her too, but when a guy is trying to rebuild trust with a girl, it's not the easiest thing for her to hear.
REASSURANCE...
Given the things my heart was going through, I was in great need of encouragement and strengthening. God NEVER disappoints in this department and He always does random crazy things to give me what I need.
One day, I was in my living room praying and crying, and I saw rainbows on the ceiling, probably reflected through glass, somewhere. The next night I was laying on my bed and saw rainbows on the ceiling again. If that isn't weird enough, the next night, I was on the phone with Ian and he suddenly said, "What the heck? There's rainbows on my ceiling right now!" Some people might call that coincidence, but I know well enough now to know that that is God's voice. If you don't know, rainbows are symbolic of the promises of God. He was reminding me that as hard as it all felt right now, His word is true and unchanging. This was a promise He was keeping and I was exactly where He wanted me.
Despite the little pats on the back, I was still plagued with pangs of suspicion. Like I said, I'M A FEMALE and there is no way I was going to be able to move forward without having that dreaded conversation with him where I ask him to be honest about everything that happened when I wasn't around. We went out to Chili's and I grilled him with every question I could think of about Alexis, even questions I was afraid to know the answer to. He reassured me over and over again that he was never in love with her and it was always me. I believed him, but something else didn't feel quite right and I couldn't figure out what it was. It was as if I knew 100% that what he said was true, but I almost wondered if he really believed it, himself. I thought about the dreams I had where he knew he loved me, but was confused about Alexis. I felt like there was something to that, but I didn't want to give it any credence because I was trying to learn to trust him, again.
By the end of the dinner, I was still a little upset and uneasy. Ian had to leave right away to go to a friend's birthday and I was ready to go home extremely disappointed, when he grabbed me and said, "Hali, I don't feel for anyone in the world what I feel for you. There's no one like you. There wasn't a single moment that went by that I didn't wish it was you I was with." I just stood there and cried and he continued with what I really needed to hear more than anything: "Hali, you did so good! You didn't do a thing wrong and God is so pleased with you. You're the reason I am where I am right now." I couldn't stop crying. I was so thankful and shocked that God put those words in His mouth, the affirmation that I had so desperately longed for for everything I had endured that year, all the prayers I had prayed and fasting I had done. He was acknowledging it and I didn't need to say a thing.
"Has no one told you any of this?" He asked in shock. I told him that I had been told that, but I needed to hear it from him.
He hugged me and it literally felt like Jesus was hugging me. Right on cue he said, "I feel like you're hugging both of us right now." I definitely was.
THE LONG-AWAITED ANNIVERSARY...
With everything going on, there was something very exciting that was about to happen: after all these years, we would FINALLY be together for an anniversary! Granted, we hadn't been together that year, but it didn't really matter.
On December 1st, we celebrated 5 years of being on this journey and being back together, again. Ian had stopped at Lydia's house first to help him prepare and when he came to my house, we were as nervous as if it was a first date! I breathlessly answered the door to find him holding a dozen roses. While I concentrated in not tripping in my heels, I could tell he was concentrating on being calm. Butterflies were taking over our stomachs, yet again!
He took me to Maggiano's and we had an amazing meal for almost 4 hours (yes, we ate for 4 hours. Meet the Walshes, haha), then we went back to my house to watch "August Rush." I had seen that movie for the first time earlier that week and it spoke to me on so man crazy levels in regard to Ian and I so I knew it would touch him too, and it most certainly did. Ian can now tell me in hind sight what that movie spoke to him and it's pretty awesome that it made such an impact on both of us...but that's his story to be told by him another time ;)
It was such a beautiful night, an amazing picture of God bringing promises to pass. I quietly reflected within myself that it was our 5th anniversary and 5 stands for grace. And boy were we experiencing it!
Then something happened. Ian abruptly got up and said he had to leave. No explanation, he just said he had to go. I was so confused and upset. He wouldn't answer his phone to talk to me. I had a feeling I knew what was going on, but I wasn't entirely sure.
THE BIG BLOW...
After our anniversary, things started to get weird. I felt like everything was deteriorating and that just as fast as it started, it would crash and burn, again. Before I had been so certain that we were a couple, but now I didn't know what we were. He insisted that there be nothing on Facebook to insinuate that we were together and he didn't want me to tell anyone that we were involved.
I began to sense fear engulfing him whenever we spoke. I recalled all of the conversations we had had about how much he just didn't want to screw up, how much he didn't want to do things wrong by me or by God. How much he didn't want to hurt me.
As these things became clear, I got one of the most devastating phone calls of our relationship.
I remember so clearly being alone at home, that night. I was sitting on the floor in the corner of my bedroom, staring in disbelief at my wall...
"I'm still in love with Alexis and I don't think I have feelings for you, anymore."
...cue Twilight Zone music.
I felt like everything around me was spinning, sinking fast.
I screamed my lungs out at him. I cried even harder. He just sat silently on the other end of the line.
"I'm so sorry," he said, and hung up.
WHAT just happened. This didn't make any sense. God had promised me, He had said Ian was my husband, He swore we would be together! And now I've had my heart crushed twice over!
For the first time in my life, I cursed God.
I told Him I hated Him.
I called him a liar.
I swore at His cruelty to have put me through this, knowing the outcome.
I screamed and yelled at Him until my throat was sore.
But while my mind was angry and my heart in chaos, my Spirit was listening intently to what my ears couldn't pick up. Something wasn't right with what just happened. It wasn't clicking. No matter what just occurred on the phone, something about it wasn't as it seemed.
I called Lydia before I had a chance to sort out the confusion that was engulfing me. I told her all that happened, complete with my burning anger towards God. She was in just as much disbelief as me and for the first time her faith in this whole thing began to waver. "God always has a plan b," she said. "He will have someone else for you."
When we got off the phone, I was still spinning. My brain was furiously trying to reconcile how a promise from God could coexist with a situation like this. How could this have happened?
I suddenly felt something supernatural quiet me. Everything came to a stand still, and God began to speak.
"Reread the story of Caleb," I felt Him say.
I looked down on the floor and there was a sermon recorded on a CD called "The Faith of Caleb" that I had dropped there and had felt for the past couple of weeks that I should listen to. I didn't know why at the time, but now I knew the reason.
At this point, I was beginning to feel foolish for blowing up at God like that. I knew there was more to what was going on than what met the eye and I had just full-out damned God with every ounce of my being. Trying to ignore the shame that was building in my chest, I opened up my Bible and began to read the story of Caleb.
In short, the Israelites were in the wilderness and were at long last coming up to Canaan, "The Promised Land." Caleb and one man from each of the other 11 tribes were sent by Moses to scope it out to see what kind of armies they were up against so they could be prepared to take the land. Moses also commanded them to bring back fruit from the land. Well, when they returned they were carrying massive amounts of huge grapes and fruits of various kinds to show the Israelites that God was telling the truth: it was definitely a land of plenty, flowing with "milk and honey." Yet, the Canaanites were huge people and their army was massive. All of the people that had gone to scout out the land told the rest of the Israelites that it was a hopeless cause and there's no way they could defeat the Canaanites. they were too big, too many, and too intimidating. It looked completely impossible.
But Caleb was not discouraged. He hushed all the naysayers and said, "Come on, we can take those guys!" Though no one shared his sentiment, he didn't change his stance. He believed that if God had led them there, then they could and most certainly would take the land, no questions asked.
Caleb, along with Joshua, ended up being the only ones of their generation who lived to inherit the promised land because of their trust in God and willingness to follow Him into Canaan.
(Numbers ch. 13)
Suddenly things clicked and I knew why God had allowed what had just occurred to happen: He knew that Ian would make this decision and so just like the Israelites needed proof of the Promised Land to boost their faith when the waiting was hard, God gave me a taste of the "fruit" of my promise as well so that I would not lose hope when I faced the "Canaanites" in the coming years. When doubt would try to come and steal my faith, I would look back on this time I had with Ian and say "Yes, the promised land IS real! I tasted the fruit!" During the time that Ian and I were repairing our relationship, God was giving me insight into the "giants" I would have to face in my own personal Canaan before I could truly attain the land.
Relief flooded me. God was not a liar! He was just as true and faithful as before I received the phone call that flipped my world upside down. I promptly asked forgiveness for cursing Him.
People often ask me what I think about free will in light of God giving a promise. I tell them that I believe that when God gives you a true covenant promise, He does so with foreknowledge of the choices the other person/people involved are going to make. He knew that while Ian would walk away for a time, he would come back to me in the end, which is why He could make such a bold proclamation to me even in the face of Ian's free will. This is what gave me the hope and strength to look at the hopeless dead-end circumstance I found myself in and still choose to hold on.
God's promises always trump free will because He cannot tell a lie. In every Biblical instance where God made a covenant promise to His people, He did so knowing in advance the choices His people would make. God didn't change His mind, even when His people did. That is how I knew I could trust Him no matter how impossible the circumstances appeared. In many situations (almost all, actually) Israel was unfaithful, doubting, and rebellious and it took a while for them to inherit their promise. But eventually, in time, they did reach their promised land and inherit what God had sworn to give them.
And I was going to inherit mine, as well.
I knew it was only a matter of a little bit more time before Ian would come back. And in the meantime, I was accustomed to "the waiting game." I did it once, I could do it, again.
BEST FRIENDS FOREVER...
To be honest, the details of my correspondence with Ian after this whole ordeal is a bit fuzzy. I don't remember the exact time and content of our next conversation or how it even got there, but eventually we came to an understanding that because he was so confused about his feelings, it wouldn't be fair to me to stay in a relationship. He said that he just needed to be alone for a while. I so badly wanted to point out to him what was so obvious to me, that he was letting fear of hurting me and screwing this all up so badly scare him away from moving forward altogether, but I knew it wasn't my place. If he couldn't see it on his own, then it was up to God to show him.
He told me that no matter what, he didn't want to lose me as a friend. He said I was the best friend he had and hoped it wasn't too much to ask of me to still be there for him in that capacity. As difficult as it was to say I would, I agreed to be there for him in an entirely platonic way whenever he needed me. How do you go from being together to not together, to back together, to not together again, to best friends? I wasn't sure how it would work but I knew that unlike the year before, this time I was supposed to be in his life while he worked his issues out. God would help me.
And I was going to need all the help I could get.
TWO SIDES TO EVERY STORY...
Although this blog is being written by me from my point of view, this is Ian's story, too. He asked me to explain some things and I want to share what he said to shed light on what was going on behind the scenes so you can have a fuller understanding of what he was going through and why things unfolded the way they did.
If there is one thing I want to tell the world about my husband, it is that he has the biggest and most tender heart of any man I've ever met in my life. This is not an exaggeration. The way he loves people is beyond comprehension to me sometimes, and I learn true love from him everyday. The word defines the greatest love as laying down your life for a friend, and this is him to a T. If you're in pain, he will mourn with you as if he was experiencing the same thing. If you're ecstatic, he will celebrate with you. If you need help, he will drop whatever he is doing to help you. He is a man who is not afraid to cry and embrace another man as a brother. He is sensitive and compassionate. That is the man that I fell in love with and the man I married.
But the bigger and softer a person's heart is, the easier it is to get wounded, and the greater, deeper, and more lasting the impact of an offense. Because of his extreme compassion, hurting someone else is often a bigger blow to him than if he were to do something that hurt himself.
And the person he swore to never hurt is the person whom he hurt the most. And also the person who hurt him the most.
...you can imagine that he would not take that very well.
Ian was also harder on himself than many people I've met. He is very black and white and if he "missed the mark" even a little bit, he would mentally and emotionally beat himself to a pulp. While forgiveness comes easily for him in relation to other people, letting himself off the hook is not something he does with great ease. Now, consider that he felt like he was a failure to me and himself, but also to God. That packs an earth-shattering punch to his heart.
Suddenly, he finds himself petrified of doing anything wrong when so much is at stake, so he backs off. And although God was doing some deep works of healing in him, offense and hurt don't disappear overnight, especially when you feel as though the woman you love AND the God you serve had betrayed you. Nothing makes you feel more alone than feeling like you've been neglected by those closest to you. And nothing makes you seek isolation quite like being hurt.
The moment he was isolated once again, the enemy was ready to pounce on him with all sorts of lies, fears, and condemnation that kept him pinned down. And so confusion set into his mind and plagued his heart and the only thing he felt he could do was to step back.
This paints a much more insightful picture as to why things happened the way that they did. Fear and hurt can provoke people to do all sorts of things that are out of their character. But one thing is very clear: it was never because he just didn't care. It was always because deep down, he was still wounded.
A LITTLE GLIMPSE AHEAD...
One day in the beginning of the new year while it was slow at work, I sat outside in the sun, thinking about the road ahead of me. What would it be like to be just his friend? And when would the waiting finally be over?
As I sat there, I felt God telling me to look at my "WISH" ring. I had looked at it a thousand times and everything about it was familiar to me. But for some reason it was the first time that the number of stars on the ring jumped out at me. There were 3 of them, each with 5 points.
I felt like those numbers were significant to the questions I was just pondering and I felt God begin to show me what it all meant. In numerology, 5 means "grace." It hit me how much this year had been a picture of God's grace: how quickly and thoroughly God had brought Ian back and began to renew him and answer all my prayers, how wonderful it had been to taste the fruit of the promise.
Then I thought 3 + 5 = 8. 8 is the number of "new beginnings." I had just wondered how long this journey would take and I felt, as silly as it sounds, that in our 8th year together, the promise would finally reach its peak.
But what would this year (2009) and the next year bring? I thought.
I went back inside and got on the computer to look up the meanings of 6 and 7.
6 is the "number of man," that is to say it represents a person's rebellion towards God and walking in the opposite direction of where the Lord is leading them. It is the number of self effort, doing things outside of the strength and grace of God, of "kicking against the goads" and being stubborn in doing things their own way. Basically, it is the number of disobedience.
But 7 represents "completion and perfection." It represents a chapter coming to a close and unfinished business being resolved, the end of a journey, something finally being "done" so that something new can begin.
I believed that God had just given me a timeline: This year (year 6) would consist of Ian going about his own way, trying to figure everything out in his own strength and wisdom, wandering aimlessly and going further into the valley. But year 7 would be the year where everything would come full circle: it would be the year he comes back to me. And year 8? I could only speculate, but I believed it would be the year we either got engaged or married.
I know that sounds absolutely insane that I would claim to know the future so exactly and for that reason, I kept this close to my heart. I wrote it in my journal and didn't tell anyone what I felt God had said to me. I knew that God had just entrusted me with information that most people would kill to know about their own lives, and I was going to steward it well. A clock had just begun to count down the time I had left until Ian returned and I wasn't about to waste it.
As I looked forward into the next two years, I felt great peace in my heart. I knew I wouldn't trade this journey for anything, come what may.
This love story God was writing was going to be worth it.
 |
| These are the journals that chronicle our journey from the time we went on a break all the way up to our wedding day. Aren't they beautiful? :) |
SWEET REPRIEVE...
I hadn't heard from Ian in about a month since our last conversation on the phone. On March 7th while I was turning in for the night, God laid it heavily on my heart to pray for him and to write him a letter. As I wrote the letter and prayed, an excitement filled my spirit and I couldn't fall asleep. I laid awake for about an hour, totally expectant for a reason I didn't know, when at 1:30am, Ian called me and told me he was nearby and needed to see me.
He pulled up to my house a few minutes later. When I saw him, I could not stop smiling. We hugged for what seemed hours, until we finally broke apart long enough to sit down next to each other on my front lawn. As we sat there, I felt God say so intensely, "You're not ready to be together again, yet." Ian asked what I was thinking and I said, "It's just been so long since I've held your hand." I immediately started crying; I couldn't help it. Seeing him again was like opening the floodgates of emotions that I had put on the shelf. I missed him so much.
He grabbed my hand and said, "Hali, I'll do this if you want me to." He began to cry with me and as I wiped his tears away, I knew that his heart was still having a very difficult time. I felt the need to reassure him of everything: how I felt about him, what I wanted in the future, what the purpose of this time apart was about.
I didn't realize it at that moment, but his words should have given me insight into the lie about this break that his heart was wrestling with: that I just wanted to be away from him.
We sat and talked for a while, laughing and catching up. It felt like I had my best friend back! It was the most amazing feeling in the world to be near him, again. I didn't want the night to end. He told me about changes he was making in his life and it was as if God was saying, "See? You're doing the right thing! Look at the fruit!" He told me that he came because God woke him up and told him to come to see me. The timeline puts me praying for him at the same time he must have woken up to leave his house!! Crazy!
When he left, I couldn't fall asleep. I was still drunk with emotion at seeing him again, hugging him, holding his hand. It was like a sweet gift to encourage me to continue on. Little did I know that for Ian, it was just one more jab at the wound in his heart, just one more reminder that I wasn't with him, that I wanted to be on my own, that I'd left...
THE BEST SEASON OF MY LIFE...
Because of the fact that God told me I didn't need to worry about keeping in contact with Ian, I felt a great freedom to do what this season was meant for and just live life to the fullest, exploring God, learning about myself, and enjoying the world around me.
Those months were some of the most incredible of my life. Looking back at my journal, I wrote nearly every day about what God was doing in my heart; the deep healing that was taking place, the lies I believed about myself being dispelled, the revelation I was getting of my identity in God and the excitement of the calling on my life. (Funny enough, the very first time I ever received a word about mine and Ian's marriage and ministry together was the night of March 16th, the day before my wedding date. I still have the paper stapled into my journal.)
During that Spring and Summer, I was growing by leaps and bounds in the small group I mentioned in Part 1. I have papers stapled to the pages of words upon words that I received from people during this time, pages and pages of recordings of supernatural encounters I was having with the Lord, revelation after revelation written down that He had spoken to me. I can't say enough what life-giving and sky-rocketing season it was.
KEEPING ME IN THE LOOP...
It's important for me to note that through our whole journey, God was keeping me "in the know" when it came to Ian: I had countless prophetic dreams where He was showing me what was going on with him or what was going to happen; Every time before Ian called me or showed up at my house, I would know ahead of time because I'd feel it; If something was going on in his life that he needed to be prayed through, Holy Spirit would nudge me and show me what to pray for. Even though we were apart, God was teaching me how to partner with Him through prayer and fasting to see Ian through his struggles. Basically, I was learning how to be his wife.
God desires to give us heavenly perspective. That doesn't mean that we will always know "who, what, when, where, and why," but it does mean that when we stay locked into His frequency, we will see much more than our natural eyes allow us to see. He doesn't always want us to be clueless to what He's doing. That's part of our identity as sons and daughters; we can now know what our Father is up to and be about His business, just like Jesus! Is there anything more exciting than that?
When you are walking in obedience to God, no matter how hard the task is that He's asked you to walk out, you will NEVER be left high and dry! He always knows when you need a reminder that you're doing the right thing and an encouraging word to remain confident. He is always ready to supply hope and increase faith, He is always willing to give you a glimpse of what's to come to give you a "second wind" so you can continue on towards the goal.
People often ask me how in the world I was able to go on this journey without ever wavering...well there's my secret! Stay plugged into the life source and there's no reason to go off path for a breather! He is my "breather";).
LEARNING TO LISTEN...
In the middle of April, my small group did a fast together, the very first fast I'd ever done. It was powerful! (more on that very important part of my journey a little later...) We decided to break it together at a barbeque I was planning at my house that weekend, so I had expectations that something good was going to happen and I had a sneaking suspicion that it would have something to do with Ian. At this point, it had been about two months since we had had any contact and I just felt something brewing.
Later into the night, everyone was out on the back patio playing charades. I noticed my phone ringing and sure enough when I looked at it, it was Ian. Even though I felt that I should answer it, I decided not to and just call him back later, because only God knew how long that conversation would be or what it would be about.
When he called me three more times and I still didn't pick up, I had the fleeting thought to check the front of my house to see if he was there, but I ignored the urge. Later on, I was talking to one of my small group friends and she was saying, "Wouldn't it be so funny if he just walked through the front door while we were all here?" (at this point, only one or two people had even ever seen him. Needless to say, people were very curious to meet this person I was waiting for.) I kept having flashes of it in my mind, but continued to ignore it.
After the barbeque, I called Ian. And guess what? He was in front of my house! How stupid did I feel? God was telling me the whole time and I wrote it off as random thoughts coming into my head. He said that he was too scared to come around the back of the house and ended up driving home, even though God told him to turn around and come back.
God is always speaking, we just have to listen. Sometimes when I think about that night, I wonder what could have happened to change the course of things if we had just listened to God and done what He was telling us to do. It has always been a big deal for me that Ian and I share a common community of friends because all the time we've known each other, we had very few mutual friends and ran in two totally separate social circles. The fact that all of my friends were at my house that night, a community of believers who were dying to meet this famous Ian they've heard so much about and welcome him into the family we had created, was tell-tale of God's desire to see things that are important to us become a reality.
But of course, that did not happen. Instead, we had a phone conversation in which he shared what he was learning and realizing, all the while I was trying to ignore the battle he was continually fighting in his heart and in his mind.
I didn't realize that this was the last conversation we'd have before he would begin to give up.
WAKE-UP CALL...
Like I said, God kept me in the loop.
One night in early May, I had a dream that Ian was giving up on his pursuit of God and had no hope, anymore. He was going back to his old ways and told me he decided that all of this wasn't worth it anymore, that he was done trying to change and grow and commit to work on his spiritual life. When I woke up, the feeling lingered and I just knew that it meant something.
A couple days later, he called me and the Ian on the other end of the line was just like the Ian in the dream. He was frustrated, impatient, and I could tell he was becoming rebellious towards the circumstances. He said he was calling to wish me a happy belated birthday, that he had asked God if he should call or not and when he didn't get an answer, he didn't care and decided to call me, anyway. His tone and the underlying emotion behind everything he said was that of "I don't care, anymore. I'm done." I didn't like what I was hearing, but there was nothing I could do. There was nothing I could even say.
When we got off the phone, I was feeling all sorts of weird; that wasn't the Ian I knew. I knew that Ian's heart was losing strength and my joy in this time without him was being used by the enemy to twist the truth and further convince him that he was losing me and that I was happier without him. But what was I supposed to do? God had been clear: pursue Him and let Him take care of Ian. I was to keep my hands off and keep pushing forward. Instead of letting the discouraging phone call destroy my hope, I felt a fierceness rise up in me to push forward harder and faster than before. The more I pressed into God, I knew the more God would move in Ian's life. This was the ultimate way to love Ian while I couldn't be there for him, even if he didn't know it.
I was determined in my heart to face all of my own deep issues head-on, to do my "part" in this break and get prepared for what God had coming for me and for him.
God's timing was, as always, impeccable and as I became more determined in my heart to grow, he led me to the place that would eventually become my church home, The Harbour. I began to attend their open services here and there, and began to encounter God on deeper and more profound levels than ever before. From the first time I stepped foot in the church, I knew it was where I belonged and I knew that Ian belonged there with me.
NOT IN THIS ALONE...
As my journey began to intensify, so did a very important friendship. My friend Lydia is a huge part of this story and needs to be recognized because I honestly don't know what this would all look like today if it wasn't for her. You will be seeing her name pop up from time to time as you read because she played a huge role in my life in this time.
We met in the women's discipleship small group I mentioned earlier and from the beginning, God was weaving our hearts together in a very special way. To this day, she is like the older sister I never
Early on in our relationship, before we even really knew each other, God was speaking to her about Ian and I. She would have dreams and visions for the both of us and eventually became like my spiritual partner in prayer and fasting to see breakthrough in Ian's life and mine. All of the rough moments and also the joyful victorious moments, she was there with me to walk it out by my side. It's no exaggeration for me to say that much of my breakthrough and Ian's breakthrough is a direct result of her diligence in prayer and fasting with and for me.
God will always put people in your life to help you walk out the hard stuff because He knows we need each other, not just to struggle through with and barely make it, but to run with joy and excellence and come out on top, passing the tests with flying colors!
God surrounded me with wonderful, encouraging, faithful, true-blue friends who stood in faith believing for my promise with me, and he will do the same for you if you ask Him!
UPHILL, DOWNHILL...
While I climbed higher up the mountain, Ian seemed to be going deeper into the valley. I tried not to be discouraged by what I saw happening; After all, God sees the bigger picture, so I had to keep that perspective, too. But some days it was harder than others to stay positive.
I could tell with each brief encounter that he was becoming more and more embittered, and I never knew quite what to expect when we spoke.
I realized how bad it was getting for Ian in the beginning of June. He called and I was surprised to hear that he was in Europe on a graduation trip with some of his friends. He was angry and bitter with me and everything about the phone call was just bad. I got off the phone trying to push down the guilt that I was responsible for his hurt.
A few days later he called again from Italy at 3am, but his tone with me was completely different. His anger had broken and now he was just hurt. He admitted he missed me and all he could think about was how he wished I was there with him. He seemed desperate to hear me affirm my love for him. The pleading in his voice was so hard to not indulge, but I knew I couldn't go any further than repeating what I had said so many times about what this season was about and that I did still love him.
I realized I was totally out of control to influence him back into a good place and when we got off the phone, I was at a loss. But as always, God was ready to reassure me; I flipped my Bible open and landed on a scripture in Lamentations that said, "Let him sit alone in silence when it (a burden) is laid on him; let him put his mouth to the dust--there may yet be hope." Things like this reminded me that I was doing the right thing: Ian needed to go through this rough place and figure it all out on his own, and I needed to step back and let it happen.
His last call from Europe came to me about a week later and it couldn't have been at a more inopportune time; I was having one of those days where I felt drained and weary and just tired of holding on and believing. I was in the car with a bunch of friends on our way to a church service, already feeling crappy, and he called me from Munich with an even worse attitude than the first time we spoke during his trip. I vividly remember the biting pain and bitter anger underneath his words when he said, "I'm just calling for the selfish reason of wanting to hearing your voice." The conversation had such a negative energy and I think God knew that I didn't know what to do because in the midst of Ian talking, the call got disconnected. I felt so thrown off kilter and I didn't understand what was going on.
Isn't it amazing how weak our hearts can be? One day we are totally encouraged and full of hope, and the next day we forget the very thing that encouraged us and get knocked down and deflated by just one mishap, one situation that isn't what we wanted it to be.
Lucky for us, God isn't offended at how fragile we can often be. That night at the service, I cried myself dry and He sent people to give me crazy prophetic words and scriptures that encouraged my heart and put me on the right path, again. No matter how many times in my walk I became discouraged about Ian, He was always there to lift me up and fill me with hope again.
I want to point out some important things going on during that summer: For one, I was seeing 11:11 on the clock a lot, specifically when I was feeling hopeless and disheartened, and also right before the times Ian made contact with me. I also started to see 5:55, everywhere. For some reason, the numbers 3 and 5 have always seemed to follow me, so go figure I'd see triple 5's. 5 is the number of grace. That becomes important a little bit later on in the story.
Lydia and I began to pray for Ian together, regularly. We never planned it, it would just come on us while we were spending time together and our times of intercession were always powerful. We knew we were changing things in the spiritual atmosphere over Ian's life, even if he didn't realize it and we didn't see it.
Another thing that was happening was my awareness of what was to come: I was feeling that God was going to bring Ian to The Edge (the college ministry of Church of All Nations I was a leader at) and begin to restore him, and that the times of overcoming the hurt, disappointment, fear, and hopelessness were all conditioning me for something much bigger, later on. And of course in typical God-fashion, He was constantly setting up little reminders and "coincidences" everywhere to confirm that those things I was feeling were really from Him.
I'm just glad that at the time I didn't know what was on its way...
A HINT OF THINGS TO COME...
Before Ian had left for Europe and we weren't speaking much at all, I randomly got the urge to check his Myspace account. I didn't know why because I hadn't been on mine in ages and I was pretty sure he never really went on his either, so I just ignored it. But about two weeks into his Euro-trip, I felt the urge again, so I looked it up.
What I found disturbed and confused me, yet I felt my heart was protected much in the same way as it was that night I told him we needed to break up: his page said that he was "in a relationship" and there was a different girl --I'll refer to her as "Alexis" from now on-- taking my place as the first person in his "Top Eight."
A strange mix of panic and calm came over me. What did this mean? Was he dating someone?! At the same time as this anxiety and panicked questions came over me, I felt a sense of peace in my spirit like God was telling me not to worry. I knew that nothing I did or said would give me any answers or peace, so I gave it over to God. (This in and of itself is a crazy testimony of how much God had changed me because the old Hali would have had a full-scale freak out session. But I knew that whatever it meant, it almost didn't matter because God was still in control and I still knew what He promised me.)
That night, I had a dream that I was walking by a cafe and I saw Ian sitting at a table. I tried to avoid him, but he saw me and pulled me aside to talk to me. He had a very angry mocking air about him and I didn't like it. I asked him why he wasn't in Europe and he said he was leaving for Paris in the morning.
What do you know...the next day Ian called me from France. At this point I cautiously brought up what I discovered on his Myspace. And of course just like in the dream, his tone was angry and mocking. "Well what do YOU think it means, Hali?" he said. I told him I didn't know. He then proceeded to tell me that he was so angry with me for the way I've been neglecting him that he let his friends change his Myspace so I would see it and get upset.
I was not at all satisfied with that answer, but I let everything he said roll off my back. I felt like I wasn't getting the full truth and I was hurt at him admitting to doing something purposely to upset me, but I didn't take it to heart; I knew that he was lashing out at me because he felt hurt and betrayed. I knew I had to let the entire thing go. If there was more to the story, it would come at the appropriate time. But as of right then, I didn't need the worries and distractions.
BACK AND FORTH...
When Ian returned from Europe, I sensed a slight change in our relationship. I felt God was giving me permission to initiate phone calls to him now and invite him to The Edge. I knew the time was coming close that God would bring him to my church, but I knew it still wasn't quite time to get back together.
Our phone calls to one another became just a bit more frequent, with me initiating some of them. There would still be weeks that would go by with no contact, but it was different when we did talk: I knew it was building up to something more. He began to slowly give me some insight into the battle he was going through in his heart. In the middle of August, I even had a dream that he was being hesitant to call me or spend time with me out of fear of messing up with me and with God and sure enough, he showed up at my house that night because that's exactly what was upsetting him and he wanted to talk about it.
I began to see 5:55 and 11:11 even more frequently in times that I needed reassurance or peace or just a boost of confidence when it came to Ian. One time, I invited him to The Edge and he called me last minute to say that something came up and he wouldn't be able to make it. I found myself extremely frustrated and disappointed, but tried to just be patient and not get upset with him. When we got off the phone, there was a cheesy song playing on the radio about being patient and waiting for the person you love to come to you and the clock said 5:55. Just one example of things that happened to me all the time :)
SOWING DOUBT...
Here's a truth: when God gives you a promise, there will ALWAYS be things or people that come against you to try and convince you that it's a load of crap and to give it up. The Bible even gives us a heads up that this will happen when it says "And tribulation came because of the Word." I believe this is for many reasons: one, because we have an enemy that hates us and does not want to see anything good come for us and from us, and two, because God allows our trust in Him to be tested to strengthen our conviction of what we believe.
One night at The Edge near the end of August, a girl I knew but never talked to about personal things came up to me and began to ask me questions about Ian and was really interested in our story and excited to hear what I had to say about him. This was totally out of the blue because I never talked to anyone outside of my close circle of friends about Ian. Because she brought him up, I knew something was about to happen.
At the end of service, it was just me and one of my close friends outside talking to one of the pastors. We were talking about various things and I casually mentioned that "the guy I'm going to marry" felt the same way as me about a certain topic. It was as if a switch was hit and suddenly the pastor got very serious and said, "That's not right that you both feel that way...I have two words for you: move on."
Of course I was totally confused. Move on from the way we think about that particular topic? But no, he said that God was telling him that the man I thought I was going to marry is not the man God has for me and I need to move on.
It seriously felt like I was in the twilight zone. It felt so off.
When I left, I was feeling really weird about what he had said. I called Lydia to tell her what happened and funny enough she said that during the service, she had this feeling to look up at the door to see if Ian was going to walk in.
I put two and two together and realized how God had set up the evening to encourage me and give me a little reassurance (first from the girl who randomly came up to me, and then from Lydia) to lean on because He knew I was going to have something come against me.
I was able to see this pastor the next day and respectfully told him that I valued his words and would take them to prayer, but I don't believe that what he said to me was in line with what God was showing me. Thankfully, he said he was glad I was praying about it instead of taking it at face value and I felt so much better. It would have been very easy to build offense in my heart towards this man for falsely speaking against my promise, but I was able to forgive him and move on (keeping a pure heart towards naysayers of your promise is very important, I've learned).
Often times, people who mean well or think they have insight that they don't, will try to give you advice or speak into your life. When it comes to what God has promised you, guard that promise with zeal! If God says it, then that is the ONLY voice that matters. It is so important to use discernment when people give you words or opinions or advice because it is just as easy for someone to speak out of a place of opinion and not what God is actually saying, which I believe is where that word came from with this pastor. Please don't hear what I'm NOT saying: of course there will be people with wise council, and usually it comes from spiritual authorities who oftentimes may see something we don't that we should take into consideration, but at the end of the day only YOU know what God has shown you and no one can tell you that God did or did not promise you something.
BEGINNING OF THE BLOW...
I should have anticipated that because small attacks like that one were increasing, something bigger was on the horizon.
One Sunday night at the end of October, I got the urge to see if Ian had a Facebook. Mind you, I hadn't tried to look anything up since June when I found his Myspace had changed because I knew nothing good would come from cyber-stalking him (trust me, ladies, as tempting as it is to cyber-stalk, control the urge and it will save you mountains of grief!).
Well, not only did I find that he had a Facebook, but it said that he was in a relationship with this Alexis person I saw on Myspace, and his profile picture was a shot of the two of them! I also saw that she had posted some mushy comment to him on his birthday and called him "baby."
It was obvious that this wasn't just something he made up to get back at me. But I didn't know what to think of it or what to do. Was my worst nightmare coming to pass?
I prayed and I couldn't find peace at all. I was feeling tormented and confused and wanted nothing more than to call him and confront him about it, but every time I was about to do it, a friend would call or text me, and I knew that was God's way of saying "Don't you do it!" On my last attempt to pick up my phone and call him, one of my best friends called me because she said she felt like I needed to talk about something. (Heck yes, I did! Again, how's that for timing?) Letting it all out to her helped a whole lot. I was glad that God sent me someone to vent to and process my thoughts with out loud because it would have been very destructive had I called Ian and unloaded on him!
I had a very hard time sleeping that night, but with the little I got, I had a few dreams. One of them was of me on the beach screaming my lungs out and there were angels all around me saying, "Go ahead and scream! Do what you gotta do, let it out!"
The next day, I had plans to meet with Lydia and another friend to go to the beach to watch the sun rise and pray together. As soon as I saw them, I told them what happened and sure enough, Lydia had a dream the night before about Ian and she said she knew it was time to truly get serious about praying for him. I felt the same urgency in my heart and I knew that now more than ever it was time to fight for his destiny.
And of course, I took a hint from my own dream and went for a walk down the beach where I proceeded to scream at the top of my lungs until I felt satisfied that I had let all my frustration out. Sweet cathartic release!
Not too long after my discovery, Lydia and I made it a point to begin to fast and pray for Ian regularly. Through dreams and time in prayer, we both felt different things that needed to be broken off of his life and things that he needed to be prayed through. It was a powerful time and I knew that things were happening whether he or we saw them or not. At this point, I was having very little contact with Ian, but that was fine with me: I was fighting for him behind the scenes and I knew things were about to change...
THE SHIFT...
As I've said before, there's something so significant about the Fall and the month of November in particular and I could feel change coming.
In the first week of November, me, Lydia, and a couple of people from my church were going to a small Haitian church somewhere in Miami to a creative arts night. I was really excited because I had been cast in the lead roll of "The Lifehouse Skit" and we were going to be performing it for this church.
It was one of those nights that felt like I was about to have a "divine appointment," like this night had been planned by God for a very very long time. I knew something was going to happen that would change everything.
A few hours before we were supposed to leave for Miami, I hear a knock at my front door and there stands Ian.
He sat on my couch and looked completely uneasy. He said he had something to tell me. That familiar shield came around my heart and I prepared myself for what I was pretty sure he was about to say. With great nerves and shame in his voice, he told me that he was dating Alexis and had been since his senior prom that Spring. He said that she asked him to marry her and that's when he realized he needed to come see me. "I don't expect you to ever forgive me," he said.
But my heart was full of compassion and love for him. I told him I forgave him and it didn't matter. He was completely taken off guard and couldn't believe it because he knew he had just done the one thing I've always been the most scared of, but I just told him it didn't matter. None of it mattered, now.
All of the things that we had both been wanting to say the whole year began to flood out. He told me how he felt I had abandoned him, how he believed I was never coming back and that he got together with Alexis to dull the pain and try to move on. I apologized for hurting him and making him feel like I had left him, that the whole year I wanted nothing more than to show up at his house and call off the break, but I knew we couldn't do that. I prayed for him and I could tell his heart was totally moved and renewed.
Eventually, I had to leave to go do the skit. I asked him if he had any plans for the night and he said no, so he came along with me. We drove together with Lydia and another one of my friends. The car ride was so much fun and there was something in the air that told me tonight was going to be the climax of many answered prayers. It already had been, after all.
When we got to the church, the skit wasn't going to start for a good while. I waited outside with Ian while everyone else was inside. I felt like a 15 year old again, butterflies in my stomach and a stupid grin on my face that I couldn't get rid of. We talked a little bit about what he was doing with Alexis, but it didn't bother me: I could tell his heart was melting towards me more and more by the moment.
All of a sudden as we were standing there, a bunch (I don't remember the exact number, but wouldn't be surprised if it was 3 or 5) of adorable black puppies ran up right in front of us and began to play in the grass! If any of you reading this know Ian and I, you know that we are absolutely dog-crazy. The sight of puppies makes us (me in particular) completely fall apart. Ian and I both remember this night so well because we both knew the puppies were like a little "kiss" from Jesus. It might sound silly, but I knew He sent them as a message that He was uniting us again.
We went back inside to get ready for the skit and it turns out that someone who was supposed to play one of the parts was missing, so Ian volunteered to fill in. It was only a silly little skit, but the fact that he wanted to do some sort of ministry with me was another little prayer being answered and it felt great.
We were sitting next to each other while we were waiting for the skit to start, and I noticed he was wearing a sloppily-made woven string bracelet. I asked him what it was and he said Alexis had made it for him. I told him how that was funny because I had just recently started making them again and I've thought of making one for him.
"I can make you one that's way better than that one," I said, half joking.
He looked at me, looked at the bracelet, then ripped it off and tossed it on the ground. It was something out of a movie. We just smiled at each other and my insides filled with warmth. To me that was much more than just him taking off a bracelet: it meant that in that moment, he had made a decision.
And he was choosing me.
We went on to do the skit, and afterwards, we sat down to listen to a short sermon. I don't know exactly what happened, but suddenly Ian was kneeling with his face to the floor, crying and praying. Something amazing was happening in his heart and everyone saw it. As we like to say in Christianese, he was getting "rocked." God was answering my prayers and coming through on behalf of the things I had been fasting for. It was almost too much to take in.
A few days after that night, he took Alexis to a church near his house and broke up with her as gently as he could, making sure to show her that God was in this decision.
He was free to be mine.
CLOUD NINE...
After that night, things began to happen very fast. We started to talk more, to hang out more. We were working on repairing our relationship and it felt so great!
One of my biggest desires has always been to spend time together at the beach, especially at night, and for some reason in the past, Ian would never want to go. It was such a big disappointment to my heart each time because it's something that meant a lot to me. But a few days after he broke up with Alexis, he picked me up at my house and took me to the beach at night! I can't even express how wonderful that night was. It was like God was saying, "Okay you crazy kids, you can get back together now!"
He held me and told me everything I'd been longing to hear from him: He affirmed his love for me, told me that there was never a moment that went by while he was with Alexis that he didn't think about me. He said that even when his parents had conversations with him about her, it would always end with mention of my name. He never stopped loving me for an instant.
"You know I'm going to marry you? I get to watch you grow into the most beautiful woman," he said.
The night was nothing short of euphoric.
 |
| A picture of us when Ian stopped over during a get-together at one of my friend's houses. This was before we started dating, again. |
((You may be skeptical about the power or even the point of fasting like I was in the beginning, but I can tell you as evidence of its power that all of the things Lydia and I fasted and prayed came to pass super quickly the moment Ian fully came back into my life. Even tiny details that we would pray and fast for would manifest in Ian's life right before my eyes! Jesus Himself told a frustrated group of disciples that they were failing at trying to cast out a group of demons because some things will only break with prayer and fasting. Without going into a huge rant about why fasting works, I'll just share that the revelation God gave me was that I was sacrificing myself on Ian's behalf when he didn't or couldn't pray for himself. It's like a small-scale allegory of the way Jesus sacrificed Himself to bridge the gap for us to reach the Father. In a way, I was helping to build a bridge over all of the things coming against Ian's life that was trying to keep him away from God so Ian could more easily walk back in the right direction. Powerful stuff, right?))
UNFORGIVENESS...
As fantastic as it was being with Ian again, the initial "I don't care about all that stuff!" began to wear off and I found myself having extreme anger and hatred towards Alexis. It was ugly and I didn't want it, but it was hard. She was "the woman who stole my man" and as much as I wanted to forgive her and be done with it, it wasn't that easy. Ian and I had pledged to be together forever, that neither of us would ever be with anyone else, and she took that away from me.
Forgiveness is a process, not a one-time deal. I had to choose everyday to forgive her and give it all back to God. Some days were easier than others, but for the most part, it was difficult.
I also began to see how much I mistrusted Ian. Even though he had done it all in hurt and hopelessness, he had still betrayed me and I realized that he needed to earn back my trust and that was also a process.
The fact that Ian still cared about Alexis as a friend was hard for me, too. Of course I didn't expect him to hate her, but it would have been easier if he did. Heck, it would have been easier if she was a rotten nasty person, but I knew she wasn't. His huge heart and desire for everyone he knows to know God is something I have always loved so much about him. But in our current situation, the fact that he wanted me to pray for her and cared about her feelings and spiritual life was difficult to swallow. The "spiritual Hali" was glad he harbored no ill feelings. But let's be real, I'm a female and there ain't no girl who doesn't want their man to cringe at the sound of their ex-girlfriend's name, even just a little bit. Just being honest, here!
I began to have dreams about Alexis almost every night and they always consisted of me befriending her. I also began to feel compelled to pray for her all the time. At church services, I would close my eyes and imagine me hugging her and crying with her at the altar as we prayed. As weird as it sounds, those things were helping me to forgive her. They were helping me to see her as more than just "the other woman," that she is God's daughter too, that He loved her and desired to see her made whole, too. I began to feel for her because I knew she was hurt in this ordeal, as well.
I also began to have weird dreams about Ian. Many of them were about him being confused about Alexis, saying that he might have feelings for her but he wasn't sure. Or telling me that he loved her, but then saying that's not what he meant. It didn't help matters that he would mention that his heart was still soft towards her as a person and just wanted to see her find God and have her hurt healed. Of course I wanted that for her too, but when a guy is trying to rebuild trust with a girl, it's not the easiest thing for her to hear.
REASSURANCE...
Given the things my heart was going through, I was in great need of encouragement and strengthening. God NEVER disappoints in this department and He always does random crazy things to give me what I need.
One day, I was in my living room praying and crying, and I saw rainbows on the ceiling, probably reflected through glass, somewhere. The next night I was laying on my bed and saw rainbows on the ceiling again. If that isn't weird enough, the next night, I was on the phone with Ian and he suddenly said, "What the heck? There's rainbows on my ceiling right now!" Some people might call that coincidence, but I know well enough now to know that that is God's voice. If you don't know, rainbows are symbolic of the promises of God. He was reminding me that as hard as it all felt right now, His word is true and unchanging. This was a promise He was keeping and I was exactly where He wanted me.
Despite the little pats on the back, I was still plagued with pangs of suspicion. Like I said, I'M A FEMALE and there is no way I was going to be able to move forward without having that dreaded conversation with him where I ask him to be honest about everything that happened when I wasn't around. We went out to Chili's and I grilled him with every question I could think of about Alexis, even questions I was afraid to know the answer to. He reassured me over and over again that he was never in love with her and it was always me. I believed him, but something else didn't feel quite right and I couldn't figure out what it was. It was as if I knew 100% that what he said was true, but I almost wondered if he really believed it, himself. I thought about the dreams I had where he knew he loved me, but was confused about Alexis. I felt like there was something to that, but I didn't want to give it any credence because I was trying to learn to trust him, again.
By the end of the dinner, I was still a little upset and uneasy. Ian had to leave right away to go to a friend's birthday and I was ready to go home extremely disappointed, when he grabbed me and said, "Hali, I don't feel for anyone in the world what I feel for you. There's no one like you. There wasn't a single moment that went by that I didn't wish it was you I was with." I just stood there and cried and he continued with what I really needed to hear more than anything: "Hali, you did so good! You didn't do a thing wrong and God is so pleased with you. You're the reason I am where I am right now." I couldn't stop crying. I was so thankful and shocked that God put those words in His mouth, the affirmation that I had so desperately longed for for everything I had endured that year, all the prayers I had prayed and fasting I had done. He was acknowledging it and I didn't need to say a thing.
"Has no one told you any of this?" He asked in shock. I told him that I had been told that, but I needed to hear it from him.
He hugged me and it literally felt like Jesus was hugging me. Right on cue he said, "I feel like you're hugging both of us right now." I definitely was.
THE LONG-AWAITED ANNIVERSARY...
With everything going on, there was something very exciting that was about to happen: after all these years, we would FINALLY be together for an anniversary! Granted, we hadn't been together that year, but it didn't really matter.
On December 1st, we celebrated 5 years of being on this journey and being back together, again. Ian had stopped at Lydia's house first to help him prepare and when he came to my house, we were as nervous as if it was a first date! I breathlessly answered the door to find him holding a dozen roses. While I concentrated in not tripping in my heels, I could tell he was concentrating on being calm. Butterflies were taking over our stomachs, yet again!
He took me to Maggiano's and we had an amazing meal for almost 4 hours (yes, we ate for 4 hours. Meet the Walshes, haha), then we went back to my house to watch "August Rush." I had seen that movie for the first time earlier that week and it spoke to me on so man crazy levels in regard to Ian and I so I knew it would touch him too, and it most certainly did. Ian can now tell me in hind sight what that movie spoke to him and it's pretty awesome that it made such an impact on both of us...but that's his story to be told by him another time ;)
It was such a beautiful night, an amazing picture of God bringing promises to pass. I quietly reflected within myself that it was our 5th anniversary and 5 stands for grace. And boy were we experiencing it!
Then something happened. Ian abruptly got up and said he had to leave. No explanation, he just said he had to go. I was so confused and upset. He wouldn't answer his phone to talk to me. I had a feeling I knew what was going on, but I wasn't entirely sure.
THE BIG BLOW...
After our anniversary, things started to get weird. I felt like everything was deteriorating and that just as fast as it started, it would crash and burn, again. Before I had been so certain that we were a couple, but now I didn't know what we were. He insisted that there be nothing on Facebook to insinuate that we were together and he didn't want me to tell anyone that we were involved.
I began to sense fear engulfing him whenever we spoke. I recalled all of the conversations we had had about how much he just didn't want to screw up, how much he didn't want to do things wrong by me or by God. How much he didn't want to hurt me.
As these things became clear, I got one of the most devastating phone calls of our relationship.
I remember so clearly being alone at home, that night. I was sitting on the floor in the corner of my bedroom, staring in disbelief at my wall...
"I'm still in love with Alexis and I don't think I have feelings for you, anymore."
...cue Twilight Zone music.
I felt like everything around me was spinning, sinking fast.
I screamed my lungs out at him. I cried even harder. He just sat silently on the other end of the line.
"I'm so sorry," he said, and hung up.
WHAT just happened. This didn't make any sense. God had promised me, He had said Ian was my husband, He swore we would be together! And now I've had my heart crushed twice over!
For the first time in my life, I cursed God.
I told Him I hated Him.
I called him a liar.
I swore at His cruelty to have put me through this, knowing the outcome.
I screamed and yelled at Him until my throat was sore.
But while my mind was angry and my heart in chaos, my Spirit was listening intently to what my ears couldn't pick up. Something wasn't right with what just happened. It wasn't clicking. No matter what just occurred on the phone, something about it wasn't as it seemed.
I called Lydia before I had a chance to sort out the confusion that was engulfing me. I told her all that happened, complete with my burning anger towards God. She was in just as much disbelief as me and for the first time her faith in this whole thing began to waver. "God always has a plan b," she said. "He will have someone else for you."
When we got off the phone, I was still spinning. My brain was furiously trying to reconcile how a promise from God could coexist with a situation like this. How could this have happened?
I suddenly felt something supernatural quiet me. Everything came to a stand still, and God began to speak.
"Reread the story of Caleb," I felt Him say.
I looked down on the floor and there was a sermon recorded on a CD called "The Faith of Caleb" that I had dropped there and had felt for the past couple of weeks that I should listen to. I didn't know why at the time, but now I knew the reason.
At this point, I was beginning to feel foolish for blowing up at God like that. I knew there was more to what was going on than what met the eye and I had just full-out damned God with every ounce of my being. Trying to ignore the shame that was building in my chest, I opened up my Bible and began to read the story of Caleb.
In short, the Israelites were in the wilderness and were at long last coming up to Canaan, "The Promised Land." Caleb and one man from each of the other 11 tribes were sent by Moses to scope it out to see what kind of armies they were up against so they could be prepared to take the land. Moses also commanded them to bring back fruit from the land. Well, when they returned they were carrying massive amounts of huge grapes and fruits of various kinds to show the Israelites that God was telling the truth: it was definitely a land of plenty, flowing with "milk and honey." Yet, the Canaanites were huge people and their army was massive. All of the people that had gone to scout out the land told the rest of the Israelites that it was a hopeless cause and there's no way they could defeat the Canaanites. they were too big, too many, and too intimidating. It looked completely impossible.
But Caleb was not discouraged. He hushed all the naysayers and said, "Come on, we can take those guys!" Though no one shared his sentiment, he didn't change his stance. He believed that if God had led them there, then they could and most certainly would take the land, no questions asked.
Caleb, along with Joshua, ended up being the only ones of their generation who lived to inherit the promised land because of their trust in God and willingness to follow Him into Canaan.
(Numbers ch. 13)
Suddenly things clicked and I knew why God had allowed what had just occurred to happen: He knew that Ian would make this decision and so just like the Israelites needed proof of the Promised Land to boost their faith when the waiting was hard, God gave me a taste of the "fruit" of my promise as well so that I would not lose hope when I faced the "Canaanites" in the coming years. When doubt would try to come and steal my faith, I would look back on this time I had with Ian and say "Yes, the promised land IS real! I tasted the fruit!" During the time that Ian and I were repairing our relationship, God was giving me insight into the "giants" I would have to face in my own personal Canaan before I could truly attain the land.
Relief flooded me. God was not a liar! He was just as true and faithful as before I received the phone call that flipped my world upside down. I promptly asked forgiveness for cursing Him.
In that moment of revelation, I felt Holy Spirit whisper, "I've made much more than a promise to you; I've made a covenant with you." It might not seem significant to anyone else, but to me this meant so much. I've had many disappointments following the words, "I promise," throughout my life, and in this moment, I needed something much more reassuring than a promise. And the really powerful thing about that is biblically speaking, a covenant is a vow made by God to His people or to a person that is an UNCONDITIONAL promise; Even if the person doesn't keep up their end of the bargain, God will always uphold His and the moment the recipient of the covenant begins to finally walk in obedience, the promise manifests.
Sounds like it holds more weight than "I promise," doesn't it?
People often ask me what I think about free will in light of God giving a promise. I tell them that I believe that when God gives you a true covenant promise, He does so with foreknowledge of the choices the other person/people involved are going to make. He knew that while Ian would walk away for a time, he would come back to me in the end, which is why He could make such a bold proclamation to me even in the face of Ian's free will. This is what gave me the hope and strength to look at the hopeless dead-end circumstance I found myself in and still choose to hold on.
God's promises always trump free will because He cannot tell a lie. In every Biblical instance where God made a covenant promise to His people, He did so knowing in advance the choices His people would make. God didn't change His mind, even when His people did. That is how I knew I could trust Him no matter how impossible the circumstances appeared. In many situations (almost all, actually) Israel was unfaithful, doubting, and rebellious and it took a while for them to inherit their promise. But eventually, in time, they did reach their promised land and inherit what God had sworn to give them.
And I was going to inherit mine, as well.
I knew it was only a matter of a little bit more time before Ian would come back. And in the meantime, I was accustomed to "the waiting game." I did it once, I could do it, again.
BEST FRIENDS FOREVER...
To be honest, the details of my correspondence with Ian after this whole ordeal is a bit fuzzy. I don't remember the exact time and content of our next conversation or how it even got there, but eventually we came to an understanding that because he was so confused about his feelings, it wouldn't be fair to me to stay in a relationship. He said that he just needed to be alone for a while. I so badly wanted to point out to him what was so obvious to me, that he was letting fear of hurting me and screwing this all up so badly scare him away from moving forward altogether, but I knew it wasn't my place. If he couldn't see it on his own, then it was up to God to show him.
He told me that no matter what, he didn't want to lose me as a friend. He said I was the best friend he had and hoped it wasn't too much to ask of me to still be there for him in that capacity. As difficult as it was to say I would, I agreed to be there for him in an entirely platonic way whenever he needed me. How do you go from being together to not together, to back together, to not together again, to best friends? I wasn't sure how it would work but I knew that unlike the year before, this time I was supposed to be in his life while he worked his issues out. God would help me.
And I was going to need all the help I could get.
TWO SIDES TO EVERY STORY...
Although this blog is being written by me from my point of view, this is Ian's story, too. He asked me to explain some things and I want to share what he said to shed light on what was going on behind the scenes so you can have a fuller understanding of what he was going through and why things unfolded the way they did.
If there is one thing I want to tell the world about my husband, it is that he has the biggest and most tender heart of any man I've ever met in my life. This is not an exaggeration. The way he loves people is beyond comprehension to me sometimes, and I learn true love from him everyday. The word defines the greatest love as laying down your life for a friend, and this is him to a T. If you're in pain, he will mourn with you as if he was experiencing the same thing. If you're ecstatic, he will celebrate with you. If you need help, he will drop whatever he is doing to help you. He is a man who is not afraid to cry and embrace another man as a brother. He is sensitive and compassionate. That is the man that I fell in love with and the man I married.
But the bigger and softer a person's heart is, the easier it is to get wounded, and the greater, deeper, and more lasting the impact of an offense. Because of his extreme compassion, hurting someone else is often a bigger blow to him than if he were to do something that hurt himself.
And the person he swore to never hurt is the person whom he hurt the most. And also the person who hurt him the most.
...you can imagine that he would not take that very well.
Ian was also harder on himself than many people I've met. He is very black and white and if he "missed the mark" even a little bit, he would mentally and emotionally beat himself to a pulp. While forgiveness comes easily for him in relation to other people, letting himself off the hook is not something he does with great ease. Now, consider that he felt like he was a failure to me and himself, but also to God. That packs an earth-shattering punch to his heart.
Suddenly, he finds himself petrified of doing anything wrong when so much is at stake, so he backs off. And although God was doing some deep works of healing in him, offense and hurt don't disappear overnight, especially when you feel as though the woman you love AND the God you serve had betrayed you. Nothing makes you feel more alone than feeling like you've been neglected by those closest to you. And nothing makes you seek isolation quite like being hurt.
The moment he was isolated once again, the enemy was ready to pounce on him with all sorts of lies, fears, and condemnation that kept him pinned down. And so confusion set into his mind and plagued his heart and the only thing he felt he could do was to step back.
This paints a much more insightful picture as to why things happened the way that they did. Fear and hurt can provoke people to do all sorts of things that are out of their character. But one thing is very clear: it was never because he just didn't care. It was always because deep down, he was still wounded.
A LITTLE GLIMPSE AHEAD...
One day in the beginning of the new year while it was slow at work, I sat outside in the sun, thinking about the road ahead of me. What would it be like to be just his friend? And when would the waiting finally be over?
As I sat there, I felt God telling me to look at my "WISH" ring. I had looked at it a thousand times and everything about it was familiar to me. But for some reason it was the first time that the number of stars on the ring jumped out at me. There were 3 of them, each with 5 points.
I felt like those numbers were significant to the questions I was just pondering and I felt God begin to show me what it all meant. In numerology, 5 means "grace." It hit me how much this year had been a picture of God's grace: how quickly and thoroughly God had brought Ian back and began to renew him and answer all my prayers, how wonderful it had been to taste the fruit of the promise.
Then I thought 3 + 5 = 8. 8 is the number of "new beginnings." I had just wondered how long this journey would take and I felt, as silly as it sounds, that in our 8th year together, the promise would finally reach its peak.
But what would this year (2009) and the next year bring? I thought.
I went back inside and got on the computer to look up the meanings of 6 and 7.
6 is the "number of man," that is to say it represents a person's rebellion towards God and walking in the opposite direction of where the Lord is leading them. It is the number of self effort, doing things outside of the strength and grace of God, of "kicking against the goads" and being stubborn in doing things their own way. Basically, it is the number of disobedience.
But 7 represents "completion and perfection." It represents a chapter coming to a close and unfinished business being resolved, the end of a journey, something finally being "done" so that something new can begin.
I believed that God had just given me a timeline: This year (year 6) would consist of Ian going about his own way, trying to figure everything out in his own strength and wisdom, wandering aimlessly and going further into the valley. But year 7 would be the year where everything would come full circle: it would be the year he comes back to me. And year 8? I could only speculate, but I believed it would be the year we either got engaged or married.
I know that sounds absolutely insane that I would claim to know the future so exactly and for that reason, I kept this close to my heart. I wrote it in my journal and didn't tell anyone what I felt God had said to me. I knew that God had just entrusted me with information that most people would kill to know about their own lives, and I was going to steward it well. A clock had just begun to count down the time I had left until Ian returned and I wasn't about to waste it.
As I looked forward into the next two years, I felt great peace in my heart. I knew I wouldn't trade this journey for anything, come what may.
This love story God was writing was going to be worth it.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Ready to read "Part 3?" You can find it HERE! :)
Hali, I don't even know what I want to say to you but I know I want to say something. I believe all that you have written and it is such a heart wrenching story. I can feel your pain and also the pain my son was going through. I am so happy you and Lydia continued to pray for him during this very trying time in both of your lives. I am so proud of you and your obedience to our King and Saviour. I can only imagine how hard it must have been for you. You are an amazing story teller and I am loving every sentence written and look forward to more and more from you. Thank you for sharing all of this with us and thank you for reaffirming how glorious our God is. I know he will bless you and watch over you and Ian always. I love you Hali and I love the positive influence you are in Ian's life. Mom #2
ReplyDeleteWhen is Part III?! I wanna grab popcorn and find out what happens next!!!
ReplyDeleteThough I'm sure it's not the FINAL installment..
Lots more life to live and love :)
Thanks for writing <3
I knowwww I am so bad!! I kept thinking I could get Part 3 done soon and every time I went to write, it took forever to get through a couple of paragraphs, ahh! BUT I have to just do it, I know people are waiting and I don't want to keep you waiting anymore :)
DeleteThanks for reading! :)
Hali,
ReplyDeleteI'm so excited when reading your love story! I stumbled on to your blog today because I have been seeing anchors all over the place and you had a post mentioning that. I saw love story at the top and started to read! Wow its like a message to me from God. He revealed to me almost five years ago who my husband was going to be and I've had dreams with specific details that I shouldn't know. I also had numbers 11:11 pop up everywhere but I about freaked when you mentioned 5:55. Cause I get that one all the time and never really understand it but they always do happen in times when I may have been discouraged. I really liked the part about free will and how God makes the promise even knowing when the other person will stray frm it. Thank you so much for these posts. It has brought great joy to my heart. I'm about to start reading part 3 . : )
Hi, Anonymous!
DeleteI am so glad you are reading and being blessed by our story! And I love how God divinely connects people who can relate to one another! That's so crazy that you see the same numbers and that He uses them to encourage you, too! So awesome :)
That's amazing that God has shown you who your husband is, also! I love hearing of others who experience this because I hear all the time of women who think they've heard from God about someone being their husband, when in fact it was never actually God's voice and just their own assumptions and reading too much into coincidences or details that don't really matter. I'm a very strong advocate of God's promises because I know how faithful He is and that His words are not empty! One thing that perhaps I would go into more detail with at another time to help people understand the whole "free will: concept, is the difference between conditional and unconditional promises because I think that some women have been given CONDITIONAL promises (promises that will come to pass ONLY if certain choices are made by the people involved) and mistook them for UNconditional promises (covenant promises that will happen no matter what), only to see the man they believed would be their husband, turn away or choose someone else. The reason I could remain so confident in knowing that I would end up with Ian was because God gave me an UNconditional promise, a promise that did not hinge on Ian's free will. It's a mystery why God does what He does, but I knew our story was an unconditional one and I'm grateful that it was and that it could speak even to strangers on the internet! :)