Our Journey to the Altar
I'm sure a lot of people probably speculated that it was a random whirlwind romance with some dude I just met, that I wanted to jump on the "marriage train" that had been making constant stops at The Harbour (my church) this past year so badly that I was taking the leap too quickly with someone I barely knew.
The truth is, Ian's and my cinema-worthy love story has been in the making for almost 9 years now, and chances are that if you weren't around to walk it out with me on a personal level in these past couple of years, you probably didn't hear about him until recently.
Few know the details of our story and now that we're married and settled into our new lives and our relationship is very public, I think it's time to share it with the world.
This isn't just the story of how two people met and fell in love, this is a testimony of God's unwavering faithfulness to fulfill His promises, of His love that never stops pursuing us no matter how we try to run, of His goodness to carry us through the most difficult times in life and see us to the other side better off than when we started, and His redemptive power to turn the ashes of our lives into something immeasurably beautiful and new again.
This isn't just the story of how two people met and fell in love, this is a testimony of God's unwavering faithfulness to fulfill His promises, of His love that never stops pursuing us no matter how we try to run, of His goodness to carry us through the most difficult times in life and see us to the other side better off than when we started, and His redemptive power to turn the ashes of our lives into something immeasurably beautiful and new again.
So, for all who ever asked me to tell them Ian's and my story, here it is...
~ Part 1: W.I.S.H. ~
HOW WE MET...
It was November of my sophomore year in high school. I was 15. A girl I only knew as "Carissa from my Spanish class" came up to my desk, purposefully situated in the back row, and struck up a conversation as if we had been besties forever.
(heavily paraphrased from my teenage memory)...
Her: "Hey Hali, what's up? Oh my gosh, I have the perfect guy for you!"
Me: thinking, ummm, hi? Nice to meet you? "Oh, really? Um, I'm not really looking for a boyfriend."
Her: "No you HAVE to meet him, you guys are like perfect for each other!"
Me: you don't even know me.... "I dunno, I'm not really into being set up."
Her: "No, I'm serious, you'll really like him."
Me: "Okay, well, what's he like?" (gets mental "what I want in a guy" list ready)
Her: "Well, his name is Ian. He's got green eyes..."
Me: He's got the top thing on my list...interesting...check.
Her: "He's got brown hair and wears black-rimmed glasses..."
Me: double check.
Her: "He's REALLY funny, like class clown, kind of a trouble maker..."
Me: big check.
Her: "He's really Irish..."
Me: enthusiastic check.
Her: "Oh! And he's in a ska-punk band! He plays guitar."
Me: my resistance is weakening...check! "Does he wear black Chucks?"
Her: "Yep!"
Me: final check. "Okay, well, I GUESS I could meet him..."
Her: "Great!! I'll arrange it! This is going to be awesome!!"
(What a shallow check list, right? It was pre-Jesus and I was a teenager, so you can't expect much, haha.)
At the time, I didn't know that Carissa was also bombarding a 14-year-old Ian (who she actually had known for longer than a semester of Spanish) in the same fashion, gushing about how perfect I was for him, to which he also put up resistance until he whipped out his checklist and found me to fit his, as well.
What I also didn't know was that he had been on a search for "the one" since he met God for the first time when he was 11. Yep, he started that young! Don't underestimate the passionate zeal of youth...
Anyway...
The buses from the Middle School of the Arts stopped at the High School of the Arts at the end of the day, so Carissa arranged for me to meet him at his bus in the short time I had before catching the Tri-Rail home. (One thing that I laugh about today is the age gap between Ian and I: He is a year and a half younger than me which isn't a huge deal, but when you're a sophomore in high school and he's an 8th grader...well, it's pretty amazing that I didn't care what people thought! Just more proof that it was God all along.)
The details of that day at the bus loop are as clear today as if it happened last week. I remember wearing my favorite "Taking Back Sunday" shirt that I had purposely picked out as to impress him the most, the way the wind blew my hair around after I begrudgingly let Carissa free it from its usual ponytail ("He likes it when girls have their hair down!"), the way I had to squint to read the bus numbers of each passing school bus because the sun was so bright. As I nervously waited there, retouching my eyeliner and asking Carissa if I looked okay, I felt like my life was about to change, but didn't realize why.
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| One of the only pictures I have of him from that age. What a baby face :) |
We stared at each other for a time, not moving or speaking. Then Carissa breaks the spell and hugs him. After they say hello, he turns to me and says, "Aren't you gonna give me a hug?" Taken off guard, I move forward and allow him to hug me for the first time.
As I hoped, he noticed my shirt. We struck up a conversation about them, me sharing that they were my favorite band and I had seen them twice in concert, which he said made him jealous and that they were one of his favorites, too. Then he had to go. It's funny looking back to remember the way he stared at me through the bus window as it pulled away from the school. He almost looked like a puppy dog being taken away from its owner. I wonder if I ever told him that! I probably should before I post it for the world to see...hmmm...
A day or so after our first meeting, Carissa got us on a three-way call. I fully expected it to be awkward, but was surprised when we talked for about 45 minutes straight...and by "we," I don't mean Carissa!
We discovered how much we had in common, how much we enjoyed the same things, and how easy it was to joke around and talk to each other. I'd never had an interaction with a guy this way and he told me that he hadn't talked to a girl like me, either. Before we got off the phone, he said--and I quote--"I'm not hanging up without getting your digits."
A few days later on December 1st, 2003, we became an official couple--he was my first boyfriend.
IT WAS WRITTEN IN THE STARS...
Unlike what I always wanted for my first relationship (to wake up one morning and have my best friend realize he was in love with me and me with him, after "all this time"), we fell pretty deeply pretty fast after barely knowing each other a month. We skipped over the small talk, the flirting, and even going on dates, and went straight for the "intimacy jugular," if you will. We connected at a ridiculously quick pace and I found myself terrified of the fact that I was already in love with him. I suppose it's very telling of our personalities and where we were at in our hearts; I wasn't in it to mess around and just "have fun," even as a 15-year-old, and he was "in it to win it" as well. This was the real deal and we both knew it.
I can't tell you the exact moment I realized that he was going to be my husband, even though he could tell you when he knew I was going to be his wife (he said that day at the bus loop before he even saw me, he knew he was about to meet "The One"). But I do know that the day I met him, somewhere deep inside of me, I just knew.
((Sidenote: Shout out to all the "older and wiser" people who thought I was being a silly naïve teenage girl in puppy-love, over-romanticizing a not-so-serious high school relationship when I said I knew we were going to get married one day--TOLD YOU SO!!!! Who's lookin' dumb, now?! Say whaaaaaaaaat?! ))
...I've always wanted to say that :D Anyway, moving on....
People often ask me how God told me that he was my husband. I always tell them that for the most part, the cliché answer of "I just knew" is how I, well...knew. It's just an internal understanding, a feeling of great peace and certainty and for some reason, you are as sure of it as you are sure that you've got two eyes and a nose on your face.
Aside from that, there were so many little things, coincidences, or as we say in Christian-ese, "confirmations." Because I hadn't really met God at that point, He spoke to me in ways that He knew I'd listen, showed me things He knew I'd pick up on, even though I didn't know what (or Who) I was listening to, yet (I mean, the fact that a girl I didn't know approached me about hooking me up with a guy that fit all of my criteria for my dream boy is pretty telling in and of itself). I'm the type of person to find significance in the little things: in words, in colors, in the meaning of numbers, things like that. He built me that way, so He spoke to me that way. It's the deeper meaning in everyday things that He uses to speak to me, even still.
One of my favorites that I like to refer to is "the W.I.S.H. thing." I'm sure you have been wondering why that is the title of Part 1, so here's the explanation: In high school I loved all things celestial. I was actually pretty much obsessed--almost everything I owned had stars on it. I also had a favorite song by Something Corporate called "Konstantine" that I liked to put on and drift off into emo-land, letting tears run down my face as I thought deep things and felt deep things, as most teenage girls do while alone in their room at night (it's the first song I taught myself to play on the piano and still remains to this day, in my opinion, one of the most hauntingly beautiful songs ever...you know you wanna "youtube" it now...). Anyway, there is a line in that song that says, "I always catch the clock, it's 11:11..." We all know the whole "It's 11:11, make a wish," thing. And of course, we wish upon stars. So there's the connection, there.
So one day (I was probably doodling in class, or something), I discovered something really cool: mine and Ian's initials backwards spelled out "wish!"
Ever since then, whenever Ian and I were going through rocky stages in our relationship, God would show me 11:11 to give me hope--I'd catch it on clocks, addresses, receipts, you name it. He was reminding me of W.I.S.H--Ian and me, telling me to keep the faith because He was in this. I still see it to this day, but more about that, later!
A DIVINE SET-UP...
Aside from being the first (and last) guy I had ever been in love with, he introduced me to a concept I didn't see coming, least of all from him: God. At the time, I was a self proclaimed agnostic with lots of questions and a façade of angst covering my deep need for something greater than myself, and Ian was a "lone wolf" Christian, saved at a summer camp roughly 3 years earlier and going at it virtually alone. We were both raised Catholic and I had attended two years of middle school at a Catholic school. Needless to say, I wanted nothing to do with the Christian God...but He had other plans, and Ian was a huge part of it.
I'll never forget the moment everything changed. There was no audible voice from Heaven, no angels descending from the clouds to stand around me, in fact there was nothing notably supernatural or spectacular that occurred (that could be seen, at least). But somewhere inside of me, a lightbulb was turned on and suddenly everything seemed to make sense...
It was a few months into our relationship. I was sitting on the floor of my bedroom, ranting heatedly to Ian on the phone about if there was a God then why did this happen, and if He exists then why did that happen? And if He is really there, why doesn't He do this and that? Then Ian said the thing that changed my life:
"Well Hali, why don't you ask Him?"
I was totally thrown off guard.
"Ask Him?"
"Yeah, ask Him."
...silence on the line for about 30 seconds as I sit wide-eyed and perplexed.
"Well?" Ian said, "What did He say?"
"Wait, you wanted me to ask Him just now?" I said in disbelief and confusion.
"Yeah, why not?"
It was that simple suggestion that turned my thinking upside down. Never had I heard of such a thing, that a nobody like me could simply ask an almighty God a question and expect an answer. I could talk to God like that? Really??
All of my preconceived notions about this distant deity sitting on a throne out of reach, demanding 3 Hail Marys and 5 Our Fathers as penance for what I've done to offend Him, began to melt away. He was a God I could have a real relationship with! This was certainly a game-changer!
So many people can recount the exact date and time they gave their life to Jesus. I really can't. For me, it was a process; a process of getting to know and trust this Big Guy in the sky, of learning what He was all about and what He desired of me.
But I do remember one evening that winter, when I found myself so overcome with love that I got on my knees and told God that I wanted to follow Him. I didn't know how, but I knew that's what I was going to do.
And I'm pretty sure that's all He needed to hear.
ROLLER COASTER ROMANCE...
We were two kids in love. We felt unstoppable, invincible, because we knew we had something real. It didn't matter what anyone said (and trust me, EVERYONE had an opinion) because we knew the facts: were were going to be together forever. It was us against the world, and we were always going to win.
Our first year together was pretty amazing. It was all so new and exciting. But it also introduced us to the intense things we were going to be experiencing for the duration of our high school relationship. Our hearts were in the right place; we loved each other and we loved God. But how many of you can guess that two teenagers in love who were trying to live the Christian life without any accountability is a recipe for disaster? Neither of us attended church. We didn't really pray or read our Bibles, and our community of friends were largely people who didn't have the same beliefs. Without a solid foundation, we did what most people do when they're crazy about each other and became extremely codependent; we were each other's world.
We both had deep-seeded fears that we didn't know how to handle healthily: his being that I was going to leave him when I realized he wasn't as wonderful as I thought he was, and mine being that someone better for him would come along and he'd leave me for her. This caused him to be controlling and jealous, and the same for me.
For good portions of time, we managed to live with the issues and stay together. But each year around late Autumn (don't ask me why it was always that time of year), we would break up for a period of time and get back together again not long after. As it turns out, we never got to spend a single anniversary together as it usually fell in the times that we weren't a couple.
Those were some of the most intense times I've ever had in my life, but in those seasons of overwhelming emotional pain and depression, I began to learn what it was to trust God. Never for a moment did I waver in believing what God promised us, no matter how bad the break-up looked that time. And in my own way with the limited understanding of the Father that I had, I was cultivating a deep measure of faith.
Looking back, I am so grateful for those utterly awful times. I sometimes can't believe I had that sort of faith. It was the kind that looks completely foolish in the face of the seeable reality around you, the kind that made people think I was a crazy, or just pathetic. But when it came to Ian and I, I couldn't care less if people thought I was insane; they didn't know what I knew.
I didn't know it at the time, but God was doing something humongous on the inside of me. Something that I would need, later on.
A NEW SEASON...
When we got back together after our longest and most painful break-up in the winter of my senior year (it was for 3 months), things seemed to calm down. The fact that I was graduating was lifting a huge burden of fear and dread off of me. Sure, it was going to be difficult not seeing him in school everyday, but I was relieved to be free of the inevitable crippling jealousy and depression that followed me through the halls I had to share with people intent on destroying our relationship.
In the Fall of 2006, I started college at FAU in Boca while Ian went into his junior year. It was good for us in so many ways, in that it gave us both space that is so necessary to redirect an unhealthy relationship down a more healthy path. I had a lot more free time to myself and could drive up to see him more often outside of school. A lot of the tension caused by our fears and jealousies also subsided as a result of not having to walk into the lion's den of people and situations that would always provoke them to rise up, everyday. It was exactly the release that we both needed to function relatively normally with one another, again.
Time and distance did much more than give me a breather and clear my head, it gave opportunity for what was in my heart to finally speak up: it was time to go after God like I had always wanted, but was never able to do. I suddenly found myself with a hunger to know Him like I had never experienced, and this time I knew nothing would hold me back from going after Him.
I started to look for anywhere I could go to get spiritually fed, anywhere I could find to connect with other Christians. On the day I started my hunt around campus for a place to go, I saw a flier on the ground for a Bible study that met once a week at night called "Catch the Fire" and took it as a sign that that's where I needed to be.
I think God's sense of humor is really funny because I showed up to the bible study that first night, totally oblivious to the fact that it was a Haitian ministry and I, like a sore and glowing thumb, stuck out of the crowd as the only white girl there. Talk about culture shock multiplied times two! Not only had I never been a part of a Christian community, but I also didn't know the first thing about Haitian culture and yet there I was, undoubtedly and comically where God wanted me. I knew it wasn't where I belonged forever, but for the time being, it was perfect for what I needed.
I became a regular at "Catch the Fire." People embraced me immediately and began to pour into me through their friendship and their prayers. They were the first people who opened my eyes to what worship was, encouraging me to play my violin for God and not just for a college degree. I look back at that time fondly because it's where my foundation began to be laid and the place where my eyes were first opened to God's plans for my ministry. Well, at least part of it ;)
It's hard to describe how I felt in this season. It was like everyday, life was being breathed into my body and parts of me that I didn't know had been suffocated came to life for the first time.
Ian was really happy for me, but also a bit discouraged that he wasn't able to be a part of it. Because we lived almost an hour away from each other and he didn't have a car, he couldn't attend the meetings with me, so I would do my best to share with him what I was learning. It wasn't supplementing all that well for his lack of church and I could sense that I was entering spiritual territory without him, but I told myself it was good enough for now and tried to not let it bother me.
In the Spring of 2007, I attended a "Catch the Fire" meeting where another ministry was coming to serve. That night it became clear to me that my purpose for being at "Catch the Fire" was for this very night, to be introduced to this church that was to become my home. I finally found where I belonged! I immediately got plugged in at the young adult's ministry at Church of All Nations, right down the street from FAU. That Summer, I entered a young women's discipleship group that literally changed the course of my life, and without which I can guarantee that I would not be the person I am today, typing this story for you all right now.
SOMETHING'S GOTTA GIVE...
The thing about getting your life in line with God's will is that He doesn't allow anything that's off kilter to remain. I could no longer deny that there were cracks in my foundation with Ian and it scared me; I could feel it beginning to shake. Although the fact that we no longer went to school together helped to relieve some of the tension, our relationship was still not healthy. He had again begun to treat me poorly and take my presence in his life for granted. I was fearful and unstable emotionally and had become the crazy girlfriend that movies make fun of and guys dread having. We were falling into sin and placing each other on a pedestal as idols. God was not the center, like we so naïvely thought He was: we were the center of each other's Universe.
I noticed that as I fanned the flame inside of me, Ian's spiritual drive was being strangled. I knew that this was no joke, and if Ian didn't start to go after God with me, things were going to go south. I began to try and push him in the right direction; I bought him bibles to try to get him to read the Word with me. I would drive up extra early to get him out of bed to go to church with me at a congregation near his house. I was constantly begging him to come to the young adult's ministry at which I had become a leader. But it was like pulling teeth. Every time was an argument. No matter what I said or did, he just couldn't seem to muster the strength to chase after God like he once had. There was too much pulling at him, trying to keep him down and I didn't know how to free him from it all. (At the time, I had no idea that there was a deeper hurt that kept him from pursuing the Lord like he desperately wanted to. To me, it appeared as though he was just content to remain stagnant, but in reality there was a lot of offense in his heart towards God and other believers, and it kept him stunted. But more about that later in Part 2!)
This went on for almost a year. In the back of my mind, I was terrified of what this meant because I knew that it couldn't go on forever. Part of me (the part I tried to shove very deep down) knew that if he didn't break free and start going full speed along side me, we would inevitably end up at a cross-roads. But I fought that realization for a while, and I fought it hard. After all, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that this was my husband and we were going to be together forever. So I had no choice, I had to keep fighting.
During this time, God was speaking to me profoundly through the women's discipleship meetings. I was growing by leaps and bounds and the more I grew, the harder it became to keep my grasp on that which God was telling me to release.
Finally, at the end of 2007 I could no longer ignore God's voice. I realized that if Ian and I were ever going to be strong in God together, we had to be strong in Him, apart. I knew I had to break the spell and let Ian go so we could both seek God with everything we had. And one day, when we were ready, God would bring us back together. We would finally have the relationship were were always meant to have.
Knowing what I was about to do, I was terrified. Not really for me, although the prospect of being without Ian after 4 years was scary, but for him. I knew I was about to bring his greatest fear to life. I didn't know how he was going to take this news, but I had a feeling it wasn't going to be well.
THE MOMENT THAT CHANGED EVERYTHING...
In early 2008, I made the decision to obey God, no matter the cost. When I look back, I know that it was the most pivotal point in my relationship with both Ian and Jesus. That one single choice set the direction for the entire course of events that were to unfold in the coming years. Had I chosen differently, fear over faith, weakness over His strength, my desires over His, I honestly don't know where Ian or I would be, today. It was hands down the hardest choice I've ever had to make. But it was also the best choice I've ever made.
I remember on the drive up to his house that night, I was asking God as a last minute assurance to make very plain to me that what I was about to do was absolutely positively what He wanted me to.
The answer was so loud and clear I could barely handle it; the minute I saw him, I felt like everything in me didn't feel remotely okay being in his house. He kissed me "hello" and I found myself compelled to turn my face away. It all felt so wrong. And so I was totally confident in what I needed to do.
I told him I needed to talk to him and we drove our separate cars to a park nearby. We parked side by side and I got into his car. I was really nervous, but had total peace at the same time. And I began to talk.
I cautiously chose my words as I told him everything God had shown me: that we are meant for each other, but we need to spend time apart to really grow. That God wants us together, but we've made each other an idol. That He wants us to go on a break so we can be stronger when He brings us back together.
I finished my well-rehearsed nervous monologue and it was met with a period of complete silence and a look on his face that I could not read.
"Soooo," he said slowly, "you think God wants us to separate so we can grow, so then we can be stronger when we come back together."
"...Yes," I said, still treading lightly.
Another moment of silence. Then he exploded.
I have never before and never again after that seen him the way he was. He was enraged. I knew I had just torn his world apart and it showed. There is no anger quite like the kind stemming from a deep hurt and I had just twisted the dagger in his chest and released it.
What I felt as I sat there under the onslaught of his hysteria was something I've only experienced about one other time in my life: it was as if I could literally see and feel angels putting up their shields around me. I kid you not. It was crazy. Ian was throwing words at me like sharp fiery darts which came zooming straight towards my heart. What should have cut me so deeply that I'd be past emotional recovery, seemed to bounce right off. I felt like I was listening to him from a totally different dimension, one that was far off and disconnected. I even remember at a few points telling myself, "That should have really hurt you: be hurt! That should have really made you angry: be angry!" but God was protecting me so completely that I couldn't even find it within myself to feel those things. I was simply floating there, in another universe, looking on as if it wasn't happening to me.
Between his breaths, I tried to explain to him that I knew he was going to take it the wrong way and that this did NOT mean I was leaving him and moving on. But it didn't matter: that button had already been pushed and there was no turning back.
Finally, his anger reached a peak and he told me to get out of his car. I resisted at first, but finally obliged when I could see there was nothing more for me to say or do. He drove away, leaving me standing next to my car, stunned and numb.
On my way home, I finally felt the guards being lowered and I began to cry. I sobbed more out of the sheer shock of what had happened than out of pain: although I was scared of the unknown Ian-less road ahead of me, I felt lighter and more at peace than I had been for a long time. I fully expected to not hear from him for months, but I was prepared to endure that.
I got home and went to bed, thinking "Okay God, I did it. Now sustain me through the pain of not talking to him for only-you-know-how-long." But just as I was drifting off to sleep, my phone lit up and it was Ian.
When I answered, all of the anger was gone from his voice and in its place were tears and pain that broke my heart. He said that this night had been a wake-up call, that he loved me more than anything and wanted to get back together because he got the message loud and clear and was ready change.
Those words were bittersweet to hear because I knew it wasn't going to be that easy. By God's strength, I told him that I loved him more than anything, but I knew it wasn't time, yet. We could not get back together until the work in us was done and God said it was time.
As we got off the phone, I thanked God because a new chapter was about to begin for both of us.
And this time, we were going to do it right.
Unlike what I always wanted for my first relationship (to wake up one morning and have my best friend realize he was in love with me and me with him, after "all this time"), we fell pretty deeply pretty fast after barely knowing each other a month. We skipped over the small talk, the flirting, and even going on dates, and went straight for the "intimacy jugular," if you will. We connected at a ridiculously quick pace and I found myself terrified of the fact that I was already in love with him. I suppose it's very telling of our personalities and where we were at in our hearts; I wasn't in it to mess around and just "have fun," even as a 15-year-old, and he was "in it to win it" as well. This was the real deal and we both knew it.
I can't tell you the exact moment I realized that he was going to be my husband, even though he could tell you when he knew I was going to be his wife (he said that day at the bus loop before he even saw me, he knew he was about to meet "The One"). But I do know that the day I met him, somewhere deep inside of me, I just knew.
((Sidenote: Shout out to all the "older and wiser" people who thought I was being a silly naïve teenage girl in puppy-love, over-romanticizing a not-so-serious high school relationship when I said I knew we were going to get married one day--TOLD YOU SO!!!! Who's lookin' dumb, now?! Say whaaaaaaaaat?! ))
...I've always wanted to say that :D Anyway, moving on....
People often ask me how God told me that he was my husband. I always tell them that for the most part, the cliché answer of "I just knew" is how I, well...knew. It's just an internal understanding, a feeling of great peace and certainty and for some reason, you are as sure of it as you are sure that you've got two eyes and a nose on your face.
Aside from that, there were so many little things, coincidences, or as we say in Christian-ese, "confirmations." Because I hadn't really met God at that point, He spoke to me in ways that He knew I'd listen, showed me things He knew I'd pick up on, even though I didn't know what (or Who) I was listening to, yet (I mean, the fact that a girl I didn't know approached me about hooking me up with a guy that fit all of my criteria for my dream boy is pretty telling in and of itself). I'm the type of person to find significance in the little things: in words, in colors, in the meaning of numbers, things like that. He built me that way, so He spoke to me that way. It's the deeper meaning in everyday things that He uses to speak to me, even still.
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| A ring he had made for me as Christmas present, one year. I still wear it and it's still my all-time favorite gift. And yes, those are stars! |
So one day (I was probably doodling in class, or something), I discovered something really cool: mine and Ian's initials backwards spelled out "wish!"
Ever since then, whenever Ian and I were going through rocky stages in our relationship, God would show me 11:11 to give me hope--I'd catch it on clocks, addresses, receipts, you name it. He was reminding me of W.I.S.H--Ian and me, telling me to keep the faith because He was in this. I still see it to this day, but more about that, later!
A DIVINE SET-UP...
Aside from being the first (and last) guy I had ever been in love with, he introduced me to a concept I didn't see coming, least of all from him: God. At the time, I was a self proclaimed agnostic with lots of questions and a façade of angst covering my deep need for something greater than myself, and Ian was a "lone wolf" Christian, saved at a summer camp roughly 3 years earlier and going at it virtually alone. We were both raised Catholic and I had attended two years of middle school at a Catholic school. Needless to say, I wanted nothing to do with the Christian God...but He had other plans, and Ian was a huge part of it.
I'll never forget the moment everything changed. There was no audible voice from Heaven, no angels descending from the clouds to stand around me, in fact there was nothing notably supernatural or spectacular that occurred (that could be seen, at least). But somewhere inside of me, a lightbulb was turned on and suddenly everything seemed to make sense...
It was a few months into our relationship. I was sitting on the floor of my bedroom, ranting heatedly to Ian on the phone about if there was a God then why did this happen, and if He exists then why did that happen? And if He is really there, why doesn't He do this and that? Then Ian said the thing that changed my life:
"Well Hali, why don't you ask Him?"
I was totally thrown off guard.
"Ask Him?"
"Yeah, ask Him."
...silence on the line for about 30 seconds as I sit wide-eyed and perplexed.
"Well?" Ian said, "What did He say?"
"Wait, you wanted me to ask Him just now?" I said in disbelief and confusion.
"Yeah, why not?"
It was that simple suggestion that turned my thinking upside down. Never had I heard of such a thing, that a nobody like me could simply ask an almighty God a question and expect an answer. I could talk to God like that? Really??
All of my preconceived notions about this distant deity sitting on a throne out of reach, demanding 3 Hail Marys and 5 Our Fathers as penance for what I've done to offend Him, began to melt away. He was a God I could have a real relationship with! This was certainly a game-changer!
So many people can recount the exact date and time they gave their life to Jesus. I really can't. For me, it was a process; a process of getting to know and trust this Big Guy in the sky, of learning what He was all about and what He desired of me.
But I do remember one evening that winter, when I found myself so overcome with love that I got on my knees and told God that I wanted to follow Him. I didn't know how, but I knew that's what I was going to do.
And I'm pretty sure that's all He needed to hear.
ROLLER COASTER ROMANCE...
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| Ian and I at our lunch spot outside of the library, my junior year & his freshman year. |
Our first year together was pretty amazing. It was all so new and exciting. But it also introduced us to the intense things we were going to be experiencing for the duration of our high school relationship. Our hearts were in the right place; we loved each other and we loved God. But how many of you can guess that two teenagers in love who were trying to live the Christian life without any accountability is a recipe for disaster? Neither of us attended church. We didn't really pray or read our Bibles, and our community of friends were largely people who didn't have the same beliefs. Without a solid foundation, we did what most people do when they're crazy about each other and became extremely codependent; we were each other's world.
We both had deep-seeded fears that we didn't know how to handle healthily: his being that I was going to leave him when I realized he wasn't as wonderful as I thought he was, and mine being that someone better for him would come along and he'd leave me for her. This caused him to be controlling and jealous, and the same for me.
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All through high school, I was the recipient of a lot of hate from girls I didn't even know. Yes, Ian was that guy who seemingly every girl wanted, and I was that girl who was hated just because I was his girlfriend. That was really hard on me because I cared a great deal what other people thought of me (people-pleasing has always been a struggle for me, but it's nowhere near the way it used to be, thankyoujesus!) and being hated by people who had never even had a conversation with me really hurt. Every year, it was a new girl (or two) that I had to stave off and it was maddening.
For good portions of time, we managed to live with the issues and stay together. But each year around late Autumn (don't ask me why it was always that time of year), we would break up for a period of time and get back together again not long after. As it turns out, we never got to spend a single anniversary together as it usually fell in the times that we weren't a couple.
Those were some of the most intense times I've ever had in my life, but in those seasons of overwhelming emotional pain and depression, I began to learn what it was to trust God. Never for a moment did I waver in believing what God promised us, no matter how bad the break-up looked that time. And in my own way with the limited understanding of the Father that I had, I was cultivating a deep measure of faith.
Looking back, I am so grateful for those utterly awful times. I sometimes can't believe I had that sort of faith. It was the kind that looks completely foolish in the face of the seeable reality around you, the kind that made people think I was a crazy, or just pathetic. But when it came to Ian and I, I couldn't care less if people thought I was insane; they didn't know what I knew.
I didn't know it at the time, but God was doing something humongous on the inside of me. Something that I would need, later on.
A NEW SEASON...
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| My senior prom. #thatsuit |
In the Fall of 2006, I started college at FAU in Boca while Ian went into his junior year. It was good for us in so many ways, in that it gave us both space that is so necessary to redirect an unhealthy relationship down a more healthy path. I had a lot more free time to myself and could drive up to see him more often outside of school. A lot of the tension caused by our fears and jealousies also subsided as a result of not having to walk into the lion's den of people and situations that would always provoke them to rise up, everyday. It was exactly the release that we both needed to function relatively normally with one another, again.
Time and distance did much more than give me a breather and clear my head, it gave opportunity for what was in my heart to finally speak up: it was time to go after God like I had always wanted, but was never able to do. I suddenly found myself with a hunger to know Him like I had never experienced, and this time I knew nothing would hold me back from going after Him.
I started to look for anywhere I could go to get spiritually fed, anywhere I could find to connect with other Christians. On the day I started my hunt around campus for a place to go, I saw a flier on the ground for a Bible study that met once a week at night called "Catch the Fire" and took it as a sign that that's where I needed to be.
I think God's sense of humor is really funny because I showed up to the bible study that first night, totally oblivious to the fact that it was a Haitian ministry and I, like a sore and glowing thumb, stuck out of the crowd as the only white girl there. Talk about culture shock multiplied times two! Not only had I never been a part of a Christian community, but I also didn't know the first thing about Haitian culture and yet there I was, undoubtedly and comically where God wanted me. I knew it wasn't where I belonged forever, but for the time being, it was perfect for what I needed.
I became a regular at "Catch the Fire." People embraced me immediately and began to pour into me through their friendship and their prayers. They were the first people who opened my eyes to what worship was, encouraging me to play my violin for God and not just for a college degree. I look back at that time fondly because it's where my foundation began to be laid and the place where my eyes were first opened to God's plans for my ministry. Well, at least part of it ;)
It's hard to describe how I felt in this season. It was like everyday, life was being breathed into my body and parts of me that I didn't know had been suffocated came to life for the first time.
Ian was really happy for me, but also a bit discouraged that he wasn't able to be a part of it. Because we lived almost an hour away from each other and he didn't have a car, he couldn't attend the meetings with me, so I would do my best to share with him what I was learning. It wasn't supplementing all that well for his lack of church and I could sense that I was entering spiritual territory without him, but I told myself it was good enough for now and tried to not let it bother me.
In the Spring of 2007, I attended a "Catch the Fire" meeting where another ministry was coming to serve. That night it became clear to me that my purpose for being at "Catch the Fire" was for this very night, to be introduced to this church that was to become my home. I finally found where I belonged! I immediately got plugged in at the young adult's ministry at Church of All Nations, right down the street from FAU. That Summer, I entered a young women's discipleship group that literally changed the course of my life, and without which I can guarantee that I would not be the person I am today, typing this story for you all right now.
SOMETHING'S GOTTA GIVE...
The thing about getting your life in line with God's will is that He doesn't allow anything that's off kilter to remain. I could no longer deny that there were cracks in my foundation with Ian and it scared me; I could feel it beginning to shake. Although the fact that we no longer went to school together helped to relieve some of the tension, our relationship was still not healthy. He had again begun to treat me poorly and take my presence in his life for granted. I was fearful and unstable emotionally and had become the crazy girlfriend that movies make fun of and guys dread having. We were falling into sin and placing each other on a pedestal as idols. God was not the center, like we so naïvely thought He was: we were the center of each other's Universe.
I noticed that as I fanned the flame inside of me, Ian's spiritual drive was being strangled. I knew that this was no joke, and if Ian didn't start to go after God with me, things were going to go south. I began to try and push him in the right direction; I bought him bibles to try to get him to read the Word with me. I would drive up extra early to get him out of bed to go to church with me at a congregation near his house. I was constantly begging him to come to the young adult's ministry at which I had become a leader. But it was like pulling teeth. Every time was an argument. No matter what I said or did, he just couldn't seem to muster the strength to chase after God like he once had. There was too much pulling at him, trying to keep him down and I didn't know how to free him from it all. (At the time, I had no idea that there was a deeper hurt that kept him from pursuing the Lord like he desperately wanted to. To me, it appeared as though he was just content to remain stagnant, but in reality there was a lot of offense in his heart towards God and other believers, and it kept him stunted. But more about that later in Part 2!)
This went on for almost a year. In the back of my mind, I was terrified of what this meant because I knew that it couldn't go on forever. Part of me (the part I tried to shove very deep down) knew that if he didn't break free and start going full speed along side me, we would inevitably end up at a cross-roads. But I fought that realization for a while, and I fought it hard. After all, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that this was my husband and we were going to be together forever. So I had no choice, I had to keep fighting.
During this time, God was speaking to me profoundly through the women's discipleship meetings. I was growing by leaps and bounds and the more I grew, the harder it became to keep my grasp on that which God was telling me to release.
Finally, at the end of 2007 I could no longer ignore God's voice. I realized that if Ian and I were ever going to be strong in God together, we had to be strong in Him, apart. I knew I had to break the spell and let Ian go so we could both seek God with everything we had. And one day, when we were ready, God would bring us back together. We would finally have the relationship were were always meant to have.
Knowing what I was about to do, I was terrified. Not really for me, although the prospect of being without Ian after 4 years was scary, but for him. I knew I was about to bring his greatest fear to life. I didn't know how he was going to take this news, but I had a feeling it wasn't going to be well.
THE MOMENT THAT CHANGED EVERYTHING...
In early 2008, I made the decision to obey God, no matter the cost. When I look back, I know that it was the most pivotal point in my relationship with both Ian and Jesus. That one single choice set the direction for the entire course of events that were to unfold in the coming years. Had I chosen differently, fear over faith, weakness over His strength, my desires over His, I honestly don't know where Ian or I would be, today. It was hands down the hardest choice I've ever had to make. But it was also the best choice I've ever made.
I remember on the drive up to his house that night, I was asking God as a last minute assurance to make very plain to me that what I was about to do was absolutely positively what He wanted me to.
The answer was so loud and clear I could barely handle it; the minute I saw him, I felt like everything in me didn't feel remotely okay being in his house. He kissed me "hello" and I found myself compelled to turn my face away. It all felt so wrong. And so I was totally confident in what I needed to do.
I told him I needed to talk to him and we drove our separate cars to a park nearby. We parked side by side and I got into his car. I was really nervous, but had total peace at the same time. And I began to talk.
I cautiously chose my words as I told him everything God had shown me: that we are meant for each other, but we need to spend time apart to really grow. That God wants us together, but we've made each other an idol. That He wants us to go on a break so we can be stronger when He brings us back together.
I finished my well-rehearsed nervous monologue and it was met with a period of complete silence and a look on his face that I could not read.
"Soooo," he said slowly, "you think God wants us to separate so we can grow, so then we can be stronger when we come back together."
"...Yes," I said, still treading lightly.
Another moment of silence. Then he exploded.
I have never before and never again after that seen him the way he was. He was enraged. I knew I had just torn his world apart and it showed. There is no anger quite like the kind stemming from a deep hurt and I had just twisted the dagger in his chest and released it.
What I felt as I sat there under the onslaught of his hysteria was something I've only experienced about one other time in my life: it was as if I could literally see and feel angels putting up their shields around me. I kid you not. It was crazy. Ian was throwing words at me like sharp fiery darts which came zooming straight towards my heart. What should have cut me so deeply that I'd be past emotional recovery, seemed to bounce right off. I felt like I was listening to him from a totally different dimension, one that was far off and disconnected. I even remember at a few points telling myself, "That should have really hurt you: be hurt! That should have really made you angry: be angry!" but God was protecting me so completely that I couldn't even find it within myself to feel those things. I was simply floating there, in another universe, looking on as if it wasn't happening to me.
Between his breaths, I tried to explain to him that I knew he was going to take it the wrong way and that this did NOT mean I was leaving him and moving on. But it didn't matter: that button had already been pushed and there was no turning back.
Finally, his anger reached a peak and he told me to get out of his car. I resisted at first, but finally obliged when I could see there was nothing more for me to say or do. He drove away, leaving me standing next to my car, stunned and numb.
On my way home, I finally felt the guards being lowered and I began to cry. I sobbed more out of the sheer shock of what had happened than out of pain: although I was scared of the unknown Ian-less road ahead of me, I felt lighter and more at peace than I had been for a long time. I fully expected to not hear from him for months, but I was prepared to endure that.
I got home and went to bed, thinking "Okay God, I did it. Now sustain me through the pain of not talking to him for only-you-know-how-long." But just as I was drifting off to sleep, my phone lit up and it was Ian.
When I answered, all of the anger was gone from his voice and in its place were tears and pain that broke my heart. He said that this night had been a wake-up call, that he loved me more than anything and wanted to get back together because he got the message loud and clear and was ready change.
Those words were bittersweet to hear because I knew it wasn't going to be that easy. By God's strength, I told him that I loved him more than anything, but I knew it wasn't time, yet. We could not get back together until the work in us was done and God said it was time.
As we got off the phone, I thanked God because a new chapter was about to begin for both of us.
And this time, we were going to do it right.
AHHH Hali this is so amazing! I totally forgot he was friends with Carissa in High School! But OMGosh! I love your story, and I totally remember that dress and our amazing prom night!!! I can't wait to read part 2! Girls night one night?
ReplyDeleteThanks! It is quite a story, I love it and am thankful for the whole thing :)
Deletebeautiful! I'm so glad you started to share it.
ReplyDeleteThanks!! I'm so happy to finally share the whole thing, glad you liked reading it!
DeleteOh my gosh! I can't WAIT to read the rest! This is so beautiful and amazing. God is so good and faithful. I can relate in so many ways even though I didn't end up marrying the guys I dated when I was younger.
ReplyDeleteYay!! I'm glad you liked it!! :) I'm working on part 2 and will hopefully have it done soon :)
DeleteGod really is amazing and writes the most amazing love stories. I'm constantly in awe of what He's done for me and the story Hes written for us. I'm just so glad I can FINALLY share because I know it's so much bigger than just for our marriage.
I'm glad you can relate :) I think how he and I were in high school is more common than I thought for teenage relationships. I know that ending up married to your high school sweetheart is more rare, and staying together is even rarer. I never thought I'd have a story like that, but obviously it was better that I did :)
Finally we are getting to hear the story!! :D, you are truly a talented writer, definitely movie worthy!
ReplyDeleteThank you, anonymous :D
DeleteSo proad of you Hals!! This is amazing so far!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Meggers!! :)
DeleteHali! Seriously, I love it. I am so proud of you and the woman you are today because of the decisions you made then. I had to make a similar decision with Matt, and I can totally relate to how you felt like it was the hardest decision, but also the best decision you could have made. I CANNOT wait to read more. Your love story is so beautiful!! :)
ReplyDeleteProud of you, friend!
Thank you Reebs!! :) I'm glad you enjoyed it!! Hope to have the second part up soon :)
DeleteLove you!!