You know what, Shel? You were on to something with this poem. And I'm not being biased just because he is my all-time favorite poet (as if I read that much poetry, anyway...), it's because it speaks so precisely of what has been on my heart the past couple of weeks.
In the spirit of this post, I'm just going to cut right to the chase, no ruffles or frills or unnecessary fluff...
Transparency. Let's talk about.
September marks 6 months of marriage to my fantastic amazing husband; I love him so much! But the past couple of weeks have been anything but fantastic and amazing and I have not loved them so much. In fact, they have straight up sucked. I realize that rough days and weeks (hopefully that doesn't extend to "months") in marriage are inevitable. Why? Because it's life and life isn't always rosy and happy and easy-going... add another human being to the mix who also has a life that isn't always rosy and happy and easy-going, and you've got a married life that isn't always rosy and happy and easy-going.
No surprises, there.
But what did take me by surprise was the way I felt as I began to encounter challenges as a new wife: "I am alone in this and no one understands."
I have never been one to believe I'm alone. Why now? I asked myself. Why, all of a sudden, do I feel like there is no one who can relate and no one who has been through this before me?
Then I remembered the times that I didn't feel alone or misunderstood. What was the key ingredient? People were transparent with me.
Looking back on my engagement, I remember a whole lot of people being thrilled for me, a whole lot of congratulating and excitement and encouragement. But what I don't remember was a whole lot of people who have gone before me pulling me to the side and saying, "Hey, this is the not-so-fun stuff that you're probably going to encounter your first year, and this is how you deal with it."
Of course, thanks to every cutesy generic sermon on marriage I've ever heard, I was well prepared for some of the more, er...."intense" marital disputes that would arise, like when he leaves the toilet seat up and the cap off the toothpaste, or when I like to sleep with the door closed and he likes it opened (*eye roll*).
But what about the times he doesn't steward my heart properly and hurts my feelings? What about the times I am irritable and say mean things that cut him down? What about all the painful, difficult, frustrating things that happen in the process of learning how to become a loving husband and a respectful wife that the Word tells us to be? Where were all the words of wisdom on that?
A lack of transparency fosters isolation and hopelessness.
And that's how I felt; isolated and hopeless. Like the girl in the poem, my skin was a violent shade of blue and no one else's was. Obviously what I was going through wasn't normal or okay because no one told me that they've gone through this. Something was surely wrong with us!
I decided to remove the mask and let others see what was going on in my life. As I began to share my struggles with other newlywed friends, I discovered something: I was not alone. Not only was I not alone, but I discovered that there was nothing wrong with my marriage. In fact, we were totally normal! Their faces were just as blue as mine.
While this revelation set me free from comparing us to other "perfect" marriages and of worrying that something was gravely wrong in ours, it also set a righteous indignation ablaze in my heart.
People of God, it's time to drop the fear of being judged by others, the fear of being hurt in a place of vulnerability, fear of damaging our reputation or having our ego bruised, and just be open: Our transparency will set others free!
When we wear a mask of "perfection," we unknowingly set others up for failure by showing them a standard they can't meet, which causes hopelessness, disillusionment, disappointment, and discouragement. But when we open ourselves up to others, we give them the courage to remove their mask and begin to walk out their own personal process with confidence and hope, instead of the crippling fear of not being perfect.
Transparency removes all barriers to intimacy. It allows trust to bloom into real relationships. And isn't that really what this whole life is about? Isn't unity the content of Jesus' last prayer for the church before he was crucified? Fear of sharing what's really going on behind closed doors only keeps us divided and scared. But we are called to carry each other's burdens. We are instructed to confess our junk to each other because we were never meant to do any of this alone. How are we supposed to help each other go higher if we are too afraid to open up and give people a glimpse into our lives? How is anyone going to know they aren't alone in their trials and sufferings if we don't show them that they aren't?
Obviously, I was writing from the perspective of marriage. But this concept can be applied across the board. Do not be afraid to be real with someone because you may just be the answer to their prayers.
One last note: Transparency is a two-way street. We can't expect someone to open up to us if we are clamming up, ourselves. And we can't expect everyone to spill their guts out at our feet without casting aside our pride and coming in humility to seek wisdom from them, honoring them for the trail they've blazed before us. In certain respects, I was just as guilty for not seeking out advice as others were for not freely giving it.
Having said that, I want to close this post, from one newlywed to others who are in the same boat or about to be, by saying what I wish others had said to me:
There are going to be times when your husband fails to love you well.
It's okay, he is learning!
There are going to be times when you fail to treat him respectfully.
It's okay, you are learning!
You are going to hurt each other and dishonor each other. He is going to be insensitive and you are going to be annoyingly over-sensitive. He is going to misunderstand your feminine heart and you are going to misunderstand his masculine spirit. There's going to be miscommunications and misunderstandings, wrongful assumptions and false conclusions. You are both going to be selfish and self-serving. You are going to disagree and argue, you are going to get frustrated and annoyed.
Neither of you are going to "get it" right away.
...and it's okay.
It's normal.
There is nothing wrong with you or him or your marriage.
And most of all, don't despise the process because that is when you become more like Jesus.
"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails."
-1 Corinthians 13:7-8
<3 Hali
