As it turns out, a heck of a lot!
Now, about 3 1/2 months into it, I've honestly gained more understanding on various topics in this short time than I have in years of being single. You might be thinking that I'm over-exaggerating, but the thing is that when you're single you aren't with someone all the time. You aren't forced to be refined 24/7, or have your virtues tested every day, all day. When you are one with another human being, you can no longer avoid confronting your imperfections and shortcomings; you are forced to deal with them head-on. As someone wise said to me just last week, "Marriage really is the Great Sanctifier."
Isn't God's marital design just fabulous? (if you sense partial sarcasm, you've sensed correctly).
So, in the spirit of having my eyes opened to so many new things, I wanted to share just a couple of the top revelations I've gotten thus far from being married.
1) Comparison is the devil...
Comparison. This ugly word will often disguise itself as "getting wisdom" from other married couples, but man I've gotta tell you, that line is super thin. Sometimes you walk multiple paces over it and don't even realize until you're sinking into a dark spiral of unjustified depression because you saw another married couple reading a book on marriage together, and you certainly aren't doing that; well, there must be something wrong with my marriage if we aren't having our very own book-reading duet going on!
What I was losing sight of is the fact that God made us all unique individuals with unique personalities and callings, so why on Earth would He expect our marriages to all look the same? If marriage is really an allegory of our relationship to Jesus, then all of our marriages should look just as different as our personal relationship with Him. I'm not saying we shouldn't learn from those who are also walking this thing out, but we certainly shouldn't hold them as our standard of what our own marriage should look like. If love is our standard, we will always be successful.
Comparison breeds all sorts of nastiness that I noticed started to crop up in my life: It made me ungrateful for what I have, it caused me to be bitter and judgmental of my husband, it made me jealous of what other people had (or appeared to have on the outside), and it made me feel hopeless that I could ever achieve the "right" marriage. This is all rotten fruit that you do not want growing in your relationship with your spouse and it all started because I stopped focusing on my marriage and what God was saying for us, and started focusing on other people's marriages and what God was saying for them. This is why it's so important to scrap the compare-and-contrast mentality and focus on what God says about your union. No one is quite like you or your spouse and together you make one married ball of uniqueness! Comparison is not worth forfeiting your one-of-a-kind destiny.
My advice? DON'T DO IT!
2)A little leaven leavens the whole lump...
Honestly, I have to say that I was totally blind-sided by the ugliness that could come out of me. I thought I had that whole "love is patient, love is kind" thing down pretty solid... I learned otherwise when I saw how easy it was to snap at Ian when I was aggravated, even if it had nothing to do with him. I would say things that I couldn't believe were coming out of my mouth and do things that I would never have thought I'd ever do. When I asked God what the deal was, He showed me that when you become one with someone, they take on all that you are and everything you have. They are literally an extension of you, so all of those things that were so easy to push down when you were single are no longer able to stay hidden; When you are one with another person, all that you do and don't do now affects them as much as it affects you.
As I've previously mentioned, when you're single you don't have to deal with your problems if you don't want to; it's all too easy to go in your room and shut the door and have no one there to provoke all of your junk to rise to the surface. As an individual person, you don't have to answer to anyone if you don't want to. You can even argue your own brain into denial if you start to see things inside of yourself that you don't like and don't want to address. But when you become one with someone, everything that is yours becomes theirs and suddenly, you can't pretend that your issues don't need to be dealt with because they take a toll on your spouse and hurt them just as much as they hurt you; this is 1 Corinthians 5:6-7 on the micro level.
Talk about motivation to clean house!
I've realized that I have a lot more to work on that I thought. It's like there were things lying dormant, awaiting an "I do" to awaken them, and awaken they did! But thankfully, when a marriage is built on the foundation of God's love, you find the grace to help each other work through these unsightly blemishes on the face of your character and reveal the beautiful redeemed nature of the one you love.
3)Daily servings of humble pie...
Receiving correction from God can be a hard thing. But receiving correction from another imperfect human being is on a whole other level of "hard."
Because of that whole "you can't avoid your issues" thing I mentioned earlier, it's inevitable that your shortcomings are going to show. Sometimes, we don't have the insight or even the courage to deal with them, which is where I've learned your spouse comes in. I believe that just as Jesus refines us through our marriage to Him, our spouse refines us through their marriage to us. God uses them to reveal the things in us that may not be so pretty while also offering us their hand to help wipe off the grime. However, it's so easy to reject their help when you look and see their own grime that needs wiping.
There have been quite a few times when Ian has lovingly pointed out areas that I need to work on and I have quite unlovingly rejected his helpful advances in lieu of his own imperfection. I was quick to throw at him the things that he did wrong instead of simply humbling myself and receiving the truth of what he was speaking.
True humility doesn't reject truth based on someone else's imperfection, but embraces truth based on God's perfection working through them.
Another major thing that I've learned to humble myself in is that I am not always right. You may be saying, "Well, duh!" but it's not that I never thought I could be wrong, it's that when it comes to the things of God, I've never had to allow anyone else to tell me what God is saying for my own life. As many married coupled can attest to, this changes when you're married: you become a team and it's no longer about your own revelation for your own individual life, but revelation from both about your life as one. For someone like me who is used to a one-on-one relationship with Holy Spirit that involves no one else but the two of us, it can be a hard pill to swallow that God will often speak to my husband about our life together, not just to me.
The old independent and single Hali used to find this notion annoying, even a tad insulting. But now that I've seen the fruit of this, it's a great set-up! Nothing builds trust in your husband quite like seeing that he is hearing from the Lord and wanting to lead you in the right direction.
There are times when Ian would share what he saw and it was contrary to what I felt I was seeing. Pride would rise up and I'd shut him down, because I thought I always know what's best... Clearly, this mentality has a very short shelf life, and I am constantly humbled by how selfish and mistrusting I can be.
Humble pie tastes bitter at first, but leaves a great aftertaste. I plan to keep it as a staple food in my house.
Every day, I'm learning more about myself, my husband, and God. But for now, this is plenty to chew on!
So, what's your take? If you're married, can you testify to any of this? If you're single, does any of this resonate with what you expect of marriage?
I'd love to hear your thoughts!
